r/stopdrinking • u/MarsTeletubby 362 days • 15h ago
Does anyone feel more judgment from people now that you’re sober vs when you still drank?
I’m sitting here less than a week away from my year milestone, and I’m having a hard time being excited for myself because I’m more embarrassed than anything in this present moment.
It’s really starting to sink in that every time I tell people that I’m on a sobriety journey I’m also admitting to them that I have a problem with alcohol. And because drinking alcohol is so normalized in our society, it’s almost the ultimate sin to admit to people that, unlike the rest of them, you can’t handle it like every other self respecting adult human “should”. It’s such a frustrating paradox.
I’ve felt so proud of myself on this journey, and so delighted in discovering my true self again. But I’m slowly finding out what people’s true thoughts about me have been since declaring myself sober. For example: they think that my partner is carrying my sobriety on their shoulders. Also they assume that it’s only a matter of time before I relapse and that because I’m not in AA I’m not doing it right. And so on.
I know for myself that none of these things are true. I’ve been really impressed with myself through this year; and I’m so committed to the sober life it’s not even funny. But it’s hard not to let people’s judgments of me get me down.
Does anyone else deal with this? Sorry for the rant.
IWNDWYT
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u/markerinthesand78 4 days 15h ago
I’m worried about that but…
It’s about you not them!
And I think it’s something like 1/7 people have our issue.
I also think a few out of the other 7 would be way better off with zero alcohol, or just haven’t been damaged by it YET.
Society can be sick :(
I’m impressed, nothing wrong with you, and I’m sure there’s a lot you’re great at that they’re not :p
Let’s enjoy our sobriety in full freedom, we have choices and we’re making them.
iwndwyt
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u/MarsTeletubby 362 days 12h ago
Thank you so much for the sweet and uplifting reply friend. It definitely lifted my spirits 🙏
iwndwyt
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u/TheSmall-RougeOne 28 days 15h ago
Yeah I used to worry about that, especially when telling people i don't drink and then waiting for the "why?".
In time I came to realise its more about them than me. When I was drinking nearly every day I hated hearing "Oh, I don't drink". Really wound me up.
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u/Far_Information_9613 137 days 14h ago
I don’t tell people I’m on a sobriety journey. I just say I don’t drink. It’s up to you how you present yourself and your life to other people. Personally, I don’t think everyone is entitled to hear my story. I’m not embarrassed about or shamed by my unhealthy drinking, I’m a private person. I don’t talk about lots of other things either including my PTSD, my sex life, my adopted kid’s suicide, etc. Not everything is everyone’s business. It’s my belief that we only care about being judged if we ourselves are judging ourselves about the thing. You may need to forgive yourself.
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u/almostbuddhist 13h ago
I agree. Don’t present it as an issue or weakness, just say “No thanks” or “I’m fine with a soda” or whatever. Make it a choice and a strength, and no need to tell anyone your reasons.
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u/HedgehogOk1074 15h ago edited 15h ago
I hear you totally.
I felt very frustrated when people were trying to say “oh you said this and it hurt my feelings, but I didn’t know you were struggling or if you relapsed”
And I realized I was firm and said “no, I just like myself enough to know that speculation about me and my situation isn’t something I tolerate.” And some of that was hard for people. I wasn’t on a crusade of justice, but it was awkward having people constantly comment about me, what I should be doing, my life in general.
It’s hard because people feel entitled to comment on it. Good and bad, it’s the only area that we feel like we have to explain because it’s so prevalent in society.
But you don’t own anyone, anything. I was too open with disclosure in the beginning, but I learn lessons now WAY faster with a clear mind. My boundaries are clear, my self worth is improving. I wasn’t the “a&e intervention” picture and unfortunately it is the one problem you may feel forced to deal with out loud since you aren’t at drinking events, or at least not drinking when you would have been.
Your partner needs to have clear communication from you about what you’re ok with being shared. People make a lot of assumptions and it’s clear you know some of them.
I get how frustrating it is. I’m not here shining light on sensitive areas of others lives. But if I were you I’d evaluate if these really are your friends.
Are they talking to you about it? A big issue I had was everyone’s “concern” for me was never said TO me. Just a talking point.
You don’t get an award at your gravesite for the amount of times you tolerate bad behavior.
So walking away in sobriety is really hard. I was more sensitive and more serious for a bit. I had to be, because it’s a way others can feel better about themselves or at minimum avoid the conversation happening at their expense.
My heart broke a million times trying to fight the mistreatment or believe I deserved it. I don’t have more to give and therefore I had to burn some bridges. It’s heartbreaking but you deserve better treatment. No one should be further judging you. Yet, the person with the problem is still the problem and the mommy hiding wine in her cup at soccer games isn’t… isn’t yet, at least.
Hold your head high. Make your expectations crystal clear and if you find yourself consistently limiting what you feel safe to share, it might be time to make friends who get this area on a personal level, or those who are in recovery as well.
Tolerating bad behavior will only increase your risk of relapse in my experience.
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u/CraftBeerFomo 15h ago
I'm not fussed in the slightest what anyone else thinks. Most people I know are supportive and think it's a positive thing thankfully.
I also know far too many people who have blatant drinking problems but are in total denial about it and don't think they do because they...
"only drink in the pub and not at home" (as if this somehow means you don't drink too much alcohol).
"don't drink EVERY night" (just 4-6 nights per week).
"still go to work every day" (as if having a job somehow negates you from being an alcoholic).
"don't drink during the day" (sure, but they drink EVERY night).
"it's only a FEW drinks after work" (yeah but it's not normal to drink daily even a "few")
The amount of seriously heavy drinkers I know who criticize others for being "alcoholics" is insane. I'm sure I've done it before too but I'm done with pretending to myself that my drinking isn't a problem because...blah blah blah.
I'd rather be honest with myself and others and working to escape the drinking problem than being in denial about it and letting it continue and using excuses for why it's fine.
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u/MarsTeletubby 362 days 12h ago
Yeah the hypocrisy of it all is such a mindfuck. Most days I don’t let it dampen my sparkle but some days like today I don’t do as well.
The biggest work on my end is to not judge these people back, which I’m not perfect at. But I have to remind myself how I felt when I was in their shoes and hope for the best for everyone around me.
Thanks so much for you reply, friend. Very much appreciated 🙏
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u/writehandedTom 2253 days 13h ago
No, more often I get one of these three vibes from people:
1) Immediate justifications for their own vices, including alcohol (“ohhh I’m only going to have a couple! I never really drink…”) that I didn’t ask for and don’t care about. It’s usually a reflection of their own bad relationship with alcohol, although I never comment.
2) Pride/excitement for me or admitting they’re also in recovery. This happens a lot more than I ever expected. I sincerely had no idea how many people didn’t drink until I started telling people.
3) Immediate change of topic/being uncomfortable/deflecting.
Rarely, I also get a range of curious questions, from appropriate conversationally to absolutely inappropriate trauma voyeur stuff. It’s less common, still there.
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u/onebatch_twobatch 15h ago
Yeah....i felt it a lot this week when my in-laws kept asking "if it was okay" if they had a drink or "if I minded" running into a liquor store to grab something for a gift.
I told them, "I don't mind, it doesn't make me want it more than i already do, and you're not protecting me from anything. I appreciate the attempt, but you trying to tip-toe around me makes me feel worse than if you just didn't"
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u/Killah_Kyla 362 days 15h ago
I'm in a choir, joined in 2017... some members like to drink, some don't drink at all. I used to belong to the former group, and now I am part of the latter. Those who have been around longer than a year have seen me drink. They've all accepted that I don't drink anymore, and no one gives me guff for it. A few of them have also transitioned to sobriety since I've met them and I've never thought "wow, they must have had a problem with alcohol". I've just thought "good for them for banning this awful poison from their body." And I assume that's what most (if not all) are thinking about me now.
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u/StoicDiver 14h ago
You can choose to tell people that you have a problem with alcohol, but I don’t. I just say I’m doing it for health reasons. Most people don’t pry further.
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u/RoutineSignature1238 14h ago
I’d bet most of your drinking friends have problems with it also. As the years go by, those friends will develop a problem and/or go deeper into their problem drinking. This has been my experience. I was a friend that would chide you if you didn’t drink (not to the point of losing friends) and then, I kept going and now I’m the one (as many of my friends are also) having the problem with drinking. I’m in my 50’s now and all of my drinking friends have either quite or don’t say a thing to me if I tell them I’m not drinking. In fact, many of them say they wish they could join me. Just keep being strong and as time goes by you won’t care anymore about what anyone thinks and the ones that really love you will be relieved much more happy.
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u/FamiliarRazzmatazz78 14h ago
I have definitely had mixed reactions from people. I've felt most judgement from people who drink quite heavily. One friend looked at me like I was crazy and asked 'Why?!' when I said I'd stopped. Another has completely blanked me. Other people tend to just not talk about it. I feel like they think it shines a light on their drinking when they know I don't partake anymore. I don't want to talk about getting sober either as I feel like others might see me as judgemental - I'm absolutely not! It's a bit of a minefield.
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u/Extension-Fishing-29 14h ago
I have a tiny sober support group with only one active addict in it but they support me. Don't the people who trust and love you who cheer you on, and know we do! A year is HUGE.
That being said i understand the feeling. Like people are waiting for me to relapse. 94 days sober though.
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u/SeattleEpochal 1450 days 12h ago
I learned pretty early on that the only people I should talk to about my “sobriety journey” are other sober people. Friends, lovers, family usually don’t get it. So I just say I don’t drink and drop it. If they want to bring it up again, I’ll engage if I sense actual curiosity. Usually that’s not the case.
Be proud of you. Hell, I’m proud of you. Congrats on your upcoming anniversary! That’s awesome!!
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u/MarsTeletubby 362 days 10h ago
Yeah this is certainly a tough, delayed, lesson that I’m learning. It’s a bummer because it’s something I’m proud of, but the stigma is real.
Thank you so much for the support!
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u/allpainsomegains 917 days 15h ago
Congrats on your almost year! Personally, I don't like telling people I had a problem with alcohol unless I'm very close with them. If I'm not or I'm meeting someone for the first time, I'll just tell them "I don't drink." If they ask more, I say the reason is to maintain my health and fitness plus the brutal hangovers as I got older were no fun.
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u/Aggressive-Method622 2262 days 14h ago
When you stop viewing the world through a booze lens it doesn’t matter what others think about you and alcohol.
I view life through a sober lens. It’s a healthy happy lens and I surround myself with people with the same view. Believe it or not more people are sober than are drinkers.
Congrats on your new lifestyle and IWNDWYT!
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u/livebestlifeever 13h ago
Congratulations on almost a year! I was disappointed that my 80 year old dad wasn't excited/happy about my sobriety. He still drinks. It made me sad at first but, I realize that's more about him.
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u/coolformalwear11 21 days 14h ago
Possibly by my former drinking buddies but I feel quite accepted by most others.
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u/yryyy786 14h ago
in my experience people treat you worse when you’re in recovery because you’re making an active effort and admitting you have a problem
when you’re in active addiction, honestly, people don’t say much because people generally don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves so as long as you can function and do things people won’t be bothered to say anything or do anything about it. that was my experience in addiction because i was such a blatantly obvious sloppy alcoholic for years while working and doing college and not even my parents said anything until i stopped being able to help them do things at their house or even go out to eat from the brutal anxiety i had
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u/Plus_Conversation_40 13h ago
Not really as bad as you make it sound, but most people tease me about drinking in a way that sounds like: "stop being silly and join us drinking, don't screw this." This being them feeling OK to drink, as they feel like I'm not part of the ritual anymore and maybe I'm not fun anymore. As others said in the comments, this says more about them than us.
Anyone that finds not drinking balanced or reazonable don't flinch or actually tell me well done, so to be honest, listen to those and not to the one's that judge you.
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u/meltingpot-324 13 days 13h ago
I see more people drinking in a problematic way that don't admit it/see a problem with it. And people who choose sobriety without having had an issue.
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u/ParkingTradition799 12h ago
Well done an congratulations 🎊 on nearing a year!! My husband an I have just passed it. I understand how it doesn't feel like you've accomplished anything, cause I feel the same way. Some people are like ' wow that's amazing!!' An I'm like well no it's not, so I try to take the compliment ( something I struggle with!) An I never thought about how other people realise that that means you had a problem!! I'm not going to let that bother me through. The only people who matter are family an friends. (An some of them may not realise that you have a problem) Ours did to some extent. So they are quite proud of us now. The rest are like 'oh ok, well, wall done on giving up'. So don't lose hope an don't worry about others, their opinions don't matter. Yours does. An you my fellow sober friend rock!!! So chin up! An just keep going!!
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u/Tiggy_Skibbles 87 days 12h ago edited 12h ago
I bet in reality, I was probably silently judged more harshly before, by people who saw me when I was wasted. But I was too wasted to know it.
If people want to judge me for being sober by comparison, that's actually kind of odd if you think about it. But people are people. Shrug. Gotta live your life.
I don't dwell too much on my perception of others perception of who I am right now, be honest. I'm more embarrassed about the times I fucked up before.
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u/Solid_Anxiety_658 12h ago
Maybe this is age related? I am approaching 40 and more and more friends are either cutting out alcohol completely or significantly cutting back. Consider yourself ahead of the curve - a trend setter! - I see more and more people coming to terms with their own unhealthy relationship to substances & expect they will be excited to hear about your journey and learn from your experience. The judgy ones usually have their own s$&-! :) I encounter more and more people who are impressed, and even inspired and choose to focus on them!
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u/Tess_88 136 days 8h ago
First of all CONGRATULATIONS! A year is huge. And a short secondly - best thing I ever heard at an AA meeting: “What other people think of me is none of my business” I live by that now well because it’s true. People will always judge. Congrats again, I am VERY proud of you. IWNDWYT ♥️♥️♥️
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u/Jtotheb88 110 days 8h ago
I think everyone on a sober journey has dealt with or will deal with this. The people who are still drinking don’t want it to be better sober, because that would mean they should stop drinking too. I don’t know about you, but before I woke up to how terrible this poison is, I wanted everyone drinking as much as me so I could justify how much I was drinking. Stick with it, you are on the right path now, IWNDWYT!
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u/scatterbrainedpast 12h ago
I swear so many sober ppl overcomplicate this shit. All you have to say is 'I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel'. Outside of an AA meeting, nobody says 'I am on a sobriety journey' unless the conversation is deep with someone you already have a relationship with. This is casual conversation 101
You don't have to give your sober date, or look off into the distance longingly -- this ain't a sitcom.
My uncle never had a problem with alcohol but he just doesn't like the way he feels on it. He just says that. Nobody cares and that is also completely valid. Wine gives me headaches. Beer messes up my stomach. Liquor tastes horrible. You probably heard all of these a million times from ppl.
Its only a big deal if you make it a big deal
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u/BlueRain1080 21 days 15h ago
all self-improvement is met this way, bc it reflects ppls shortcomings to them
alcohol
diet
exercise
career
books
"relationships are reflective" and when u reflect something vastly diff, it strains the relationship
the AVERAGE person is a crab in a bucket who doesnt want any reminders that they've given up. they want reminders that it's normal to give up, and therefore not actually giving up -- it's just living life.
if that bothers u, it's time to toughen up