For some time now, I've felt the desire to steer my life in a new direction, free from the chains that hold me back. I want to live a life that isn't defined by weed or other substances—a life where I face the facts instead of hiding from them. But this dependence has deeply embedded itself into my daily routine. Especially at home, where I am isolated and have little contact with the outside world, I struggle to escape the high. I often feel numb, as if I'm gliding through life without truly being present.
Yet, I know I am capable of more. I want to lead an organized life, have a clean home, and be able to endure clarity—without drugs. My greatest wish is to break free from weed and consciously shape my life. I want to be more socially engaged, connect with others, and do good things in my free time. But the path to that often feels difficult. My self-esteem is low, and I struggle to stand up for myself. Shame accompanies many of my actions, and I often try to please everyone instead of listening to my own needs.
These difficulties stem from my past. During the second year of secondary school, my social contacts nearly disappeared due to the pandemic. I found solace in work, where I had good conversations and felt comfortable in the company of others in the evening. However, my excessive alcohol consumption during that time worsened the problems. When I started my training as a farmer, I initially had a good time. My first trainer was great, and I felt like I was on the right track, even though I struggled with disorder at home.
But then came the second year of training, and everything changed. My new trainer broke me down mentally within a few months. His constant criticism and degrading behavior caused me to suffer physically and emotionally from the work. After three painful months, I pulled the plug and quit. This experience taught me that sometimes it is important to remove yourself from toxic situations, even if it’s hard.
After quitting, I fell into a deep hole. I spent seven months isolated at home, immersed in the world of a Minecraft server, living in a parallel world. This time of isolation helped me process the past, but it also deepened my loneliness. When I started a job as a carpenter in March, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. The work gave me structure, but socially I have only made small progress since then.
My goal is to become more involved in society without relying on drugs. I want to become more self-confident, build social connections, and work on my self-esteem. I know I can change. I want to pass my eye test by the end of January, register for the exam, and organize my daily routine better. In training, I want to prepare for a backflip, do specific exercises for snowboarders, and train more with others. I also want to connect with my father in squash, learning from each other.
I am determined to improve my life. It won't be easy, but I want to face the challenges and break free from my dependence. It's time to take responsibility for myself and take the first step toward a more fulfilling life.
