Hello, I don’t know where else to go or who to turn to. My parents had me for the sole purpose of using me for money. I was raped by over 40 different men, I’ve had sex with animals, I don’t know how to function in society. I don’t have friends, I don’t have anything going for me. I don’t know why I’m even here. I just wanted to say something I guess. To have another human say I see you. Because I don’t know what else to do.

My parents my entire life told me that I was only alive to be a sex toy. To bring them value and worth through filming and performing sexual acts. Nothing was ever off limits. Nothing was ever too extreme. I don’t even know who I am…I just know that I can’t ever escape. My dreams are filled with endless sexual acts. My mind is always thinking about how I was tortured for other people’s pleasure. I was raped who knows how many times. I feel like dirt. Lower than dirt. My dad would sell me in the bathroom stalls at events like concerts and baseball games and no one ever stopped him. No one saved me. Was I not worth it? My mind feels so empty and like such a tattered mess. I don’t think I can heal. I don’t think I can live in society. I’m sorry for ranting but I don’t know what else to do. My therapist didn’t know how to handle me… I’m so far gone.

I went to rave with friends and we got really wasted, but we done it countless times before. During the event I can't recall how it happened but I remember getting really dizzy and being carried to bathroom. Everything I spoke was mumbled and I couldn't really put strength behind any movement. Guy who carried me hiked up my dress and raped me and I couldn't event say proper stop or no. Worst part is his friends took turns too or random people joined in idk, but one of my friends came across me in bathroom stall while being fucked by stranger and decided to make Snapchat story about me letting guys run train on me in bathroom. One even made meme out of me being cummed in public bathroom and they constantly asking me when next time I will accept everyone cum. It's been more then month but I'm afraid to say anything as friends just keep bringing it up joking I'm into it. The more times goes on the more I remember the feeling of being used in that bathroom. I was to doctor and she said I should be gentler and am being treated for syphilis. But I kinda want to run away from my friends:(

Hello, I just need to rant a little I guess. My dad had sex with me almost every day for 14 years. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I wake up so depressed that I don’t want to move. My dad would make me join him and my mother and would have a threesome with us. He would take videos and pictures and sell them to attract customers whom he could sell me too. I don’t see how I’ll ever heal or live. I know Reddit isn’t the place to say this but I don’t have anywhere else and I’m falling apart. I’m dying inside and I can’t make it through.

it makes me so mad. we never even had sex but he, biologically speaking, took my virginity in such a non-special way. he was my first boyfriend and I hadn't even held hands with a boy before him. he fingered me without asking the first time it happened. he took my virginity the same way, at least I'm pretty sure. I was bent over and he was fingering me aggressively and then started trying to get 3 fingers in me. I began crying and telling him to stop because it hurt and then he told me I started bleeding a little. he didn't stop. I'm pretty sure that means he, biologically speaking, took my virginity and I'm so mad that it happened like that. it wasn't even a sweet or special moment. it was painful and he neglected to pay any attention to my emotional needs. it makes me so angry

I'm gender neutral but because I was born "female" I have been assulted 5 times before 25 I heard ⅓ of women/"females" have been SA'd. I call bs. There's gotta be way more, right? I only anonymously reported one of my sexual assults

I’m not sure if it’s rape or not but I’ve been hearing a lot of arguing and sounds through the wall anywhere between 5-9am. I feel this is important, he’s hit her before so idk what he’s capable of. Today I heard stuff along the lines of “you can’t do that, you just can’t” after what sounded like a moan turned into a sob Something about her trauma that was unintelligible (she’s been sexually abused before) “Why are you punishing me?” Followed by 15 minutes of her sobbing so hard she’s practically choking This is the second argument this morning, idk what’s going on. I’m not sure what to do. My roommate has been a friend of mine for 10 years now… but we aren’t super close. We went to high school + ended middle school together, were in the same friend groups, but were never “best friends”. Should I try to hear more of what’s going on next time to see if I have to call someone or intervene? There’s been 3 accounts of domestic violence that I was at home to hear, since we moved in in August this year. She’s told me he’s hit her. And that they’re going to counselling… I don’t think he’s evil. His mom recently passed of a sudden od, his siblings have been abusive and gotten really intense fighting for their mom’s estate, his dad recently had health issues… so much has happened and it’s a lot of grief but absolutely nothing excuses this stuff. I don’t know if she’s being raped. I don’t know if I should listen in? See what’s going on? I’m concerned for my own safety and have my own ptsd too… ugh what do I do…? Something in my gut is telling me that her sexual boundaries are being bent and crossed, even violated maybe. I have no idea what to do.

I (23M) have been with my girlfriend (23F) for almost a year now and she recently was brave enough to tell me that she endured a sexual assault in the past. I cried in her arms and told her I loved her and that I was sorry. I know her trauma is not mine. I was not naive to the fact that sexual predators were everywhere, and that there are victims in every community. But to learn that a loved one is a survivor and hearing the nature of the assault has been extremely traumatizing and earth-shattering. I share in her joy so to hear the level of evil that she went through has made me sick to my stomach and unable to go about my days. GRAPHIC WARNING: I’m going to share the details of what happened because maybe someone can shed some light on why I feel so broken. My view of the world has crumbled. She was 19, talked to a guy on Tinder for a week or so before agreeing to meet in a parking lot at night to hang out, which she had done before with other guys. When she arrived to meet him, he was not the man in the photos. She was catfished. By an older man. Frozen in fear and manipulated against her will, she had sex with him, this man who didn’t even reveal his identity, but made up this scheming sob story about how he was lonely, etc.. She told me she went home crying, and that her roommates took her to the hospital to be checked out and to give a police report. She ultimately decided to not file the report which I’m troubled by too. Please give me advice as to how escape this black hole of thinking. It’s hard for me to be intimate with her knowing what she went through. Not because I think less of her, quite the opposite, her telling me shows that she trusts me deeply and for that I cherish her, but I feel guilty being intimate with someone who was once forced to be intimate against their will. Please help.

so

my ex is a bad person

he was completely emotionally dependent on me

everyday, there would always be some sort of problem and i would have to spend hours comforting him while he whined about how much of a horrible person he was and that no one liked him, and hed wallow instead of trying to help himself.

he would constantly require my undivided attention

and at one point he enthusiastically agreed to become a poly couple, but then the first time he texted my second partner he threatened to murder her because of her personality (he thought she was a threat simply because of her personality. no longer with her either tho) and then whined to me about how he felt like I was replacing him.

he would tell me constantly that he felt like he was unattractive

he would also tell me multiple times that he would hurt anyone who tried to harm me

he even told me one time that he was learning how to kill people for me just in case anyone wanted to harm me.

and honestly, i dont doubt that. he has a stash of real weapons in his closet, including an axe, crossbow, and some blades, and the tone of voice and facial expression in which he told me he was learning to kill for me was disturbingly geunine and determined.

he was always sweet to me, though. too sweet. it was suffocating. he wanted me around him every moment of everyday.

back to the horny part though. he was always horny. he would hint that he wanted to finger me, or that he wanted to suck my breasts, or other things.

he would ask, and if I said I was too tired he would tell me he respects my boundaries and that we wouldnt do anything if i didn't want to.

but despite this, he would continue to hint that he was really horny. he would stare at my breasts. everytime we were alone he so desperately wanted to touch me.

he would hint for hours. "maybe if you're not tired later?" "are you still tired?" "are you sure? you could just lay back... you wouldnt have to do anything" "wow, im so horny" "i masturbate and make sure to cum before we cuddle because otherwise holding you gives me an erection and i dont want to make you uncomfortable" and more

eventually i would give in and say yes, because he was so unstable emotionally that i was afraid that if i said no all the time he would start moping about how he thinks im not attracted to him or something like that, and i didnt want to have to spend even more energy and sanity trying to get him to stop being wallowing in self pity.

so whenever he would hint for hours, id eventually just say yes and let him finger me or do other things to me because i didnt know how he would react if i said no all the time. all i know is that it wouldve been exhausting to deal with and i dreaded the thought of setting him off.

i pretended to like what he was doing because if i didnt play the part, he would always mope and wallow about how he feels like i didnt want to do what we did. so i pretended to like it. pretended to moan just so he wouldnt whine about how horrible a person he is for doing things i dont want while expecting me to comfort him for being horrible.

was that digital rape?

there was also another time. over text we agreed to have oral sex. i had performed oral on him before (disgusting. his privates always smelled like rotten cheese), but this time he wanted to do oral on me. he had been talking about how much he wanted me to let him do this to me for a while so i finally caved. the next day, when we met up, i was nervous. i didnt want to. i was visibly nervous. the situation went like this (or least something like this. its fuzzy, i cant remember the exact words):

Him: we dont have much time

Me: so... i just take off my pants and underwear and stuff?

Him: yeah.

Me, standing there awkwardly, really not wanting to take off my clothes. i stood there, visibly nervous: what do i do? I don't know what to do.

Him: cmon, hurry up, we dont have much time.

Me, in a raised, panicked voice: I dont know what to do!

Him: Just take off your pants and underwear, we dont have much time before my parents get back home. Just do it.

Me, taking off my pants and underwear, then standing there, one arm clutching the other

Him: cmon, we dont have much time, just lay down and spread your legs.

i did as i was told. he used his tongue on and in me. ill never forget the look in his eyes as he stared into my eyes while he did it. he had the look of someone who had just gotten something he so desperately wanted. it was disturbing to look at.

was that oral rape?

other times, he would also suck and squeeze my breasts with his hands. he was always worried about hurting me. when he squeezed them, he squeezed them too hard. it hurt. but i didnt say anything because i would rather be in pain than tell him he was hurting me and proceed to see him cry about how horrible he was while expecting me to comfort him.

edit:

you guys dont have to be assholes about this. please stop.

edit 2:

i did some research.

"Sexual coercion: a sexual assault carried out using coercive tactics, such as psychological pressure, tricks, threats, intimidation, or abuse of authority."

• Canada's government website

so my situation does qualify as oral and digital rape in a legal sense.

extra TW for suicidal ideation and CSA

i experienced a lot of SA as a kid and i want it to happen again because it made me feel desired. i know it’s about power, not desire, but why does no one want to assault me now? if they wanted me bad enough they’d do it. if someone wanted to overpower me at least it would mean they’re somewhat interested.

i also want it to happen as an excuse to kill myself. people would understand that i had to do it if i was assaulted. i’m a dumb fucking useless piece of shit and deserve terrible things to happen to me anyway

He’s my boyfriend. He beat me till I was bloody then raped me. Made me give him oral then anally raped me. It hurt so bad. I left his house and I’m staying at my parents house. I really love him but I’m scared of him. My parents want me to leave him. I love him. He was drunk when he did this. Should I forgive him?

This is just… a raw memory from when I was a kid, and it's still really hard to deal with. I was six when it happened, and it’s probably one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me. I don't remember much before, but what I do remember is being scared out of my mind, being forced into a van with my mom. I was just a little kid, and I remember being all snuggled up in her arms as these two men pushed us into the back. I remember the darkness in that car and the fear, and how helpless I felt as they drove us away. When they finally stopped, my mom tried to act like she wasn’t scared. I still remember what she told me that night, ‘Everything’s going to be okay, baby. Mommy just has to help these men with something real quick. I’ll be right back.’ She kissed me, she even smiled a little, and then she got out of the van with them. I remember feeling like something was off, but I believed her. I'll never forget the look on her face when she left with those men.

I was left alone in the van, and they went inside this abandoned house. It was cold and the van just smelled like liquor and cigarettes. I was just a little kid, sitting there confused and waiting for my mom to come back. The windows were all dirty, so I couldn't see what was happening, but I could hear weird, muffled sounds. It was like, she wasn't crying or anything, but whatever they were doing, it just didn't sound right. It just made me feel sick, you know? I just sat there, alone and scared, wishing she would come back soon.

Then, she came back, but she was like a different person. She looked vacant, emotionless, like… gone. She tried to smile, but her eyes just looked…broken. She just said she had to help them with something and that it was done, and I still didn't understand what was happening. I remember noticing a big, dark, wet patch in the crotch of her denim shorts. I just remember the fear, the way she looked, the sadness, and that patch. That's a memory I hate, it’s one that will probably never go away.

As a grown up man, i've become overly protective of the women in my life, to the point where it's borderline controlling almost. I'm still working on it though but sometimes the guilt of not being able to help or even protect them just messes me up so bad. Been going to the gym a lot these past few years trying to work on myself to become stronger just in case. I know there are bad people out there and i wish i could do something about it but i'm just one man in this world. I don't think this guilt will ever go away and to be honest, somedays i just want to give up.

This all happened in 2007 and i was 6 at the time and she was 24. She is alive and well today but sometimes i tend to distance myself from her because the memories and the intense flashbacks just overwhelms me. Do you guys have any advice or have been through similar? Somedays i feel so alone and like no one really understands me...

I'm going to preface this entire post by saying i have CPTSD, so my line of cognitive processing is altered compared to many individuals, it is what it is.

I am a thirty eight year old male, who lives alone, locks his doors and windows, and it still managed to happen to me.

I went to bed one evening, like i always do, in my own bed and closed my eyes and when i woke up in the morning i had ejaculate inside, and on me. I must of been drugged because i have no recollection if the event what so ever, i only know the individual is male because of the ejaculate and discomfort. I did not go out to a bar that night, i stayed in the entire night, alone, up until i went to sleep. Nothing was taken, nothing was broken, they came R worded me, and left.

Mentally it's taken every bit of those four weeks for things to sink in, i was in disbelief on day one, literally got out of bed and went and took a shower because i couldn't believe what i was seeing. it was about three days before i could work up a courage to see my physician.

about one week to the second week in, i became mortified, lost my appetite, locked myself away and tried to cope with my thoughts, and i'm still here trying to process why a complete stranger would do this to another.

I'm one month into a life that was forever changed, by a man whom i may never know the identity of.

This is going to sound hard to hear, we are the victim, we never chose a date, a time, a place, a gender, or an image to consent too. I can't go for a walk in the woods with coffee anymore, i can't go to the store without wondering if they are still continuing to stalk me. i don't know what this person looks like or sounds like, i only know the smell of their ejaculate.

I'm 5'10, black hair, 160 lbs , pretty average male, and i date exclusively females.

if you have questions or comments, ill do what i can.

I sent my rapist a long message about how they fucked up my life and how I wish I would’ve died instead of living through this trauma. They read the message, but didn’t reply. I know I shouldn’t care, but I want to know if that day haunts them everyday like it haunts me or if they just don’t care.

This may be an exaggeration, I know, but as long as I could remember until I was 21 I was sexually assaulted. I am now 23. My family was the main perpetrators. There was the odd "friend" or authority figure but it was mainly my family.

I cannot be in contact with any sexual material because of this. It all just reminds me of my family. Sex toys, porn, even just touching myself reminds me of something my family did to me. My view of sex and any sexual related thing is entirely shaped by my family's assault on me. It's become incredibly frustrating.

Any time I get aroused by something/someone immediately my brain does the dumbest shit like "Oh this penis bulge looks similar to my dad's!" or "Oh the way this girl pushes this person's head into her pussy is like how my sister forced me onto her!" or "This person being squished against two people is like when I was assaulted by both my parents!"

It feels inescapable and I literally have to separate myself from the sexual thing in frustration. I can't just be horny or think something is hot because all my brain knows when it comes to sex is trauma.

I just want help and it feels like nothing is helping me. I keep hearing the same shit and it's getting old and making me angrier the more I hear it. I know things won't get back to normal immediately, I know I will live with this trauma for forever, I know I need to be patient and gentle with myself. I just want to feel horny, to feel aroused, and not have my brain immediately turn to trauma.

I feel very alone in this experience and just want to know if it gets better or if there are resources or just something.

I’m (17F) and since I was 8 I was constantly raped and abused my multiple different people. Someone even tried to drug and kidnap me before when I was 11. Then when I was 14 I started drinking and doing drugs because I was sick of repeatedly being hurt and it was the only thing that would make me forget about it. And I had tried other things like therapy,antidepressants,hospital but nothing helped and then it was like when I was drunk or high nothing mattered anymore. I didn’t care about what happened.

But then one day my drug dealer asked if I wanted to do some with him and he’d drive me home after because I had already a bit drank before getting there and he was scared I’d get hurt if I get high on top of that. And I trusted that and I usually did it alone and it was quite lonely. And I did so much that I passed out. And he raped me. And he took pictures and filmed it. Then he made me leave on my own. And I don’t fully remember how I got home but I did luckily. But then the next day he sent me the videos and photos saying if I don’t send him nudes he’ll post them everywhere. So I complied for a while. But he started asking for them like almost hourly and would get really aggressive and threatening if I wouldn’t send them.

Even if I was in school or something. He’d be like “You think I care? Go to the bathroom or something unless you want everyone to know how much of a pathetic whore you are”. And eventually I had enough and I was like “Fuck you. I know you’re bullshitting. If you post the videos it’ll just incriminate you. I’ll report you for being not only a dealer but a nonce too and if you post it you’ll be incriminating yourself.” And he was like “You did drugs that’s a crime too. You’d be shooting yourself in the foot if you went to the police dumb bitch send it you know what will happen.” And I just said “Die.” And blocked him.

I was scared for days but nothing happened until I started getting messages on my social media account and on WhatsApp from creeps. They said they saw the video and pictures. Turns out he posed some of the rape pics and videos and some of the nudes I sent saying that the reason I sent the nudes was because I ‘enjoyed being raped so much’. And there was a thing like if you sent him money he’d send all of the rest and give out my number and social media to them.

So people PAID like £10 to see it. And was giving me death threats. Saying they’ll come to my house and kill me and my family if I don’t meet up with them. And I got offers to have sex for money. Or to send more nudes for money. It was gross I had to block like 20 people and I wonder how many more paid to see the extra content but not to contact me.

So I told the police. And showed the evidence and they said it’s my fault for getting illegal drugs and drunk underage. And from the video and nudes it looks like I consented and me sending nudes technically makes me a sex offender because it counts as sharing child pornography even though it was my own. And maybe I’m just framing this guy. So they can’t do anything and I’m lucky that they decided to just give me a warning on my crimes.

I already felt so guilty and I know I should’ve but this made me have a breakdown. And I was still getting harassed. So I eventually decided if he can make money off of me and I’m already being humiliated anyway I should make money off myself because I needed the money and my image is already ruined. So I started to sell pictures of myself without my face and name attached tho. And then people really wanted to see my face and to meet me. And I would do meet ups for money.

When I was 15 I stopped on and off because I would know what I was doing was making my mental health worse. And dangerous. But I needed the money. So I kept doing it again. I eventually stopped completely at 16. But the guilt still eats me up alive. I’m now an actor and like a low level instagram famous. I get recognised sometimes in public and I have a bit of a fan base which has been my dream since I was a child but now I’m scared.

I use a stage name on my social media’s and acting gigs which is like a remix of my actual name. Because I’m scared it’ll be easier to somehow find the rape videos and nudes. I’m so scared of being found out. And I’m so scared that one day they’ll be exposed and my life will be over again and no one will ever hire me again. And everyone will hate me for doing drugs and being a slut.

I can’t live with myself. I hate myself. And I know it’s my fault but knowing anyone could find this is eating me alive. I’ve had 2 stalkers from my slight fame. What if one of them finds this? I just can’t do it anymore. I want to die.

I (21f at the time) asked a former coworker to bring me some wine. He showed up and we were talking in his car and I started to drink the bottle. He asked to see it a few times and then would give it back to me. I had no intentions of having sex with him, to the point that I was about to lie and tell him I was on my period so that he wouldn’t want to. He grabbed my neck and choked me and started kissing me. At this point I had already had a bottle of wine and I was halfway done with the one he brought me. We moved to the back seat and I kept stalling and trying to just make conversation. Then he started kissing me and choking me again and went down on me. He told me he wouldn’t stop until I finished the bottle. He then had sex with me while choking me and slapping me in the face, giving me a black eye. The next thing I know we’re at a different location in my neighborhood and I had no idea how we got there. I went to detox the next day for my alcoholism and they blood tested me and found benzodiazepines in my system. I have never taken those in my life. Nothing else makes sense other than that he put them in the bottle when I wasn’t looking. I found out he’s in the police force so I feel like reporting it is futile. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I was drugged and taken advantage of. I got tested for any STI’s and luckily nothing showed up.

I'm older now, my dad groomed me my whole life, he gots touchy feely with me at 12. Then attempted to penetrate me with his finger at 15. As long as I can remember, I masturbated. When I was like 13, I found a site, that had translated comics, its gross stuff and I know it. It has "lolicon" I read it and got off. But I've always imagined I was the kid. It's been like this for years, and now I'm thinking it's why I've been SAed so much. Because I'm a disgusting woman who wanted to be assaulted. I was SAed again, earlier this year. Ever since then I see my father in my face, and I long to be a child. Which is disgusting. I'm gross for knowing so much about "loli's" What do I do to not feel like I deserve to be hurt?

I have been with my husband for almost 18 years , I’m 34 and he’s 38. This morning I realized as I used the bathroom that something was off but just brushed it off , I got dressed and went to work , 2 hours in , I though I leaked through my feminine product and ran to the bathroom only to realize it was semen( yes I am positive it was )and it came from my other end and I am sore but thought it was due to period cramps down there . But nope , turns out my husband had anal sex with me while I was passed out . I smoked a bit to relax and go to sleep and I didn’t wake at all while it happened. I have been crying all day and my nerves are shot now and I don’t know what to do or think . I know it’s not okay at all and I know he needs help of which he’s definitely getting and he tried to say he was drunk and he didn’t remember doing it but I feel like that’s just an excuse and I don’t think i believe him . I feel violated and unsafe in my own home . Cops asked if I wanted to have them investigate it and I just don’t know , the cops said just reach out to him if I want to . I just feel so broken 😞

I (F18) was never actually raped.

In my trauma I was sexually abused for a year at 12. But i was never penetrated.

When i first spoke out at 13, no one felt it was wrong because his penis was never inside of me. I never got the help i needed.

I get thoughts of doxing myself online or going to dangerous places at night (downtown city alleyways, which I have done multiple times when i was younger).

I keep thinking, maybe if I actually get raped i can finally get the support i need. Or maybe if i get raped i would gain the final strength to kill myself.

Does anyone else think this way?

throwaway//

a few days ago a guy i was casually seeing forced himself on me. i agree i made a few decisions that might've put me in such a vulnerable situation but at the end of the day, i said no and asked him to stop but he didnt and raped me.

But that's not even what traumatised me the most.

It's so tough to even type it down here but he forced me to org*sm. When he couldn't do it the regular way, he used a vibrator on me. I tried to resist so hard but ultimately my body gave in and came. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. The rape itself didn't hurt me as much as that one moment of my body betraying me did.

I know it's not my fault, I know there have been multiple instances where rape victims have had the same experience and I'm not the only one. Knowing all of that doesn't prevent me from feeling god awful about that. Especially with how smug he looked when that happened.

There's no point to this post. The memories have been just overwhelming me, so I wanted to let it all out somewhere where I'm not known.

Thank you for the space. And if anybody relates to this, I'm truly sorry.

Hi, I (18F) am trying to figure out how tf to actually heal and move on from everything that’s happened to me in my past so that when the time comes I’m actually ready to be wholeheartedly with the guy I actually really care about.

For context, there’s this guy that I’ve known for years and he’s always been one of my best friends growing up. We went to the same Highschool and college and grew up together (I’ve known him since like birth). He’s one year younger than me though so we weren’t in the same year in school/college which meant that during Highschool we weren’t as close/saw less of each other because of our different timetables.

He’s one of very few men I’ve always felt comfortable around because he really is just an amazing guy. Back in late 2023, he told me about how he’d liked me for a while and how much I meant to him etc and we had a great relationship. It was one of the healthiest and most healing relationships I’ve ever been in and it brought me a lot of happiness and joy that I hadn’t felt in a really long time with a guy.

Before he told me how he felt, I had reached a stage where I felt/thought that I was really moved on from all the shit that had happened to me in Highschool. I was doing really really good on my own and I genuinely felt like I was at my most confident point that I had ever been about myself.

But then when we got together, while I was really happy, I also felt like I realised I wasn’t as “healed” as I thought I was and there were things that I still needed to work through. Like I realised I had things that I guess you could say triggered memories of my past etc. and it was hard to fully commit myself to him.

No matter how much I wanted to, there was a part of me that I guess just wasn’t ready for something so healthy/I kind of didn’t trust it? Idk if that makes sense but it was almost too good to be true? At least that’s how I felt and it’s almost as if I kind of distanced from him and tried not to care as much and I was in my head a bit about stuff like thinking I don’t deserve him and it’s like I kind of self sabotaged.

I say kind of because there were some mistakes he made, and things that he did, that even he admits he messed up on, that made me trust him less and feel more like I couldn’t rely on him.

But I admit that my mistake, was that I came down on him harder for those mistakes than I should have. I feel as though whenever he messed up on something I was so quick to call him out on it and to be frustrated/angry about it than I needed to be, which I do think was due to the fact that I had dealt with a lot of stuff in the past and didn’t want to deal with anything like that again so in essence I wasn’t as “healed” as I thought I was and still had pent up anger/feelings towards my past trauma that made me lash out at him which he didn’t deserve. (just to clarify I did NOT physically harm him 😭 when I say lash out I mean I just got annoyed at him quickly and said some harsh things which wasn’t fair to him).

We’re currently on a break because our relationship reached a breaking point this year, where he kept making mistakes with certain things and not communicating properly and had immature tendencies/reactions to stuff as he’s a year younger, so it’s like he has a certain level of maturity and naivety that he has to work on.

All of it led to me feeling undervalued/under appreciated in the relationship as I did a lot for him, and I realised that I needed to break up with him (we had been arguing a lot towards the end and we both realised we weren’t really ready) and I needed to properly and genuinely heal from my past trauma, before jumping into being in a relationship with him, in order to actually move on and allow myself to be happy, without being so restrictive on my heart and self sabotaging everything and hurting him in the process.

But from what we’ve said, (we had a conversation before we broke up and we ended on good terms because despite all of it, we’ve known each other for years, and our families know each other well, so we promised to remain on good terms) and what I’ve witnessed from him, if we both fix up on the things we need to then we both do genuinely want to give it a better try when we’re older and actually ready commit.

But what I need help on is this: During Highschool, I was in a rough situation where this guy (not the one I’ve mentioned before) who meant a lot to me put me through a lot of shit.

In essence it was an abusive relationship as he was a raging narcissist. It started when I was 12/13 (we were in the same year) and finally ended roughly when I was 15/16. He was a great friend at the start and I genuinely trusted him but then slowly as time went on he started becoming more and more horrible as he started hanging around with the wrong crowd and getting into drugs etc which I tried to stop him from doing but that was useless tbh.

He would come out with verbal abuse every day, constantly criticising the way I looked, my face, my body etc every damn day for like 3-4 years and after a while it does something to a person. I’ve never been able to take a compliment since then, and when I do get them I never believe them, as it’s been wired into me that I don’t “deserve” love and I’m not “worthy” of it etc. He used to always say to me how no one could ever love me and how I’m too difficult to love and all of that crap etc. and after a while you start to believe it.

Obviously now I’m older and somewhat moved on from that part of my life I know that all of what he said is just from a place of being off his head on drugs in conjunction with his naturally narcissistic self 💀 (sorry I use dark humour to cope). But it leaves a mark both mentally and physically nonetheless and it took 2 years of therapy to even feel remotely normal again which I was only able to have because my school was able to offer counselling for free through the charity 42nd street.

But anyways, whilst I was in Highschool the abuse eventually got worse and escalated from verbal/mental to physical where he started to grab me more, by my upper arms, so hard that It’d leave a bruise but no one would ever see as my school shirt covered it.

He would play it off as a joke but it hurt. He then moved on to dragging me by my arm (I have really thin/small arms so it hurt a lot more than a regular sized person) whenever he was in a fit of rage/really pissed off and he’d always take his anger out on me by punching me but he’d always pin me against the wall with his body and then he’d punch me in my stomach area as that’s the part no one would ever see. Sometimes he’s grab my lower neck/just above my collarbone area as well and my head would hit the wall which sucked. But he was always so off his head on something that he’d just act like he never hurt me or that he didn’t remember anything. Still to this day, I’ll never know whether he meant what he did or if he genuinely did just forget in the end but I accepted that I’ll never get that answer.

I finally reached my breaking point, when he was pissed one day and I had left my science class to go to the bathroom and hadn’t realised he had been following me when he dragged me to a bathroom stall and borderline r*ped me.

I say borderline because it’s all a bit hazy in my mind I spent years pushing it under the rug and trying to pretend it didn’t happen until I had another bad encounter with a guy in Highschool and had to face what I went through. (btw is it normal for it to be a bit hazy? I beg someone tell me whether that’s normal or not because I feel a bit insane about it.)

I remember him dragging me into the stall and then aggressively pushing/pulling my skirt and other stuff etc. down and then half r*ping me but I was trying to close my legs and shove him off with all my might and I can’t fully remember if he went all the way in or not until it’s kind of like at one point he got off and left and I was finally alone.

I was so young I didn’t really know how to process it and I just remember making sure the door was locked and just sliding down and kind of sitting on the floor out of shock I guess? I’m kind of numb to feeling anything about it anymore but yeah.

A year after this happened another guy tried to f*nger me in the back of our English class and kept sliding his hand up the inside of my thigh but I kept trying to shove his hand off but he wouldn’t quit so that also added on to the trauma of being touched and now it’s like I absolutely hate being touched e.g hugged or even tapped on the arm or leg by anyone male or female.

But it’s weird, after everything had happened, when it came to my friends and family, it’s almost like I went into survival mode and I kind of became overly touchy if that makes sense? Like I went out of my way to hug my friends and family even though it literally makes my skin crawl. Genuinely, internally I absolutely hate it, but I still continued to act ‘normal’ or even ‘overly normal’ but I don’t really know why that was just instinct for me? Like I feel like because I pushed everything under the rug and tried to forget it I just tried overly hard to stay normal as if I was wanted to prove to myself that nothing had changed when in fact it was the opposite? Idk if that makes any sense but yeah please someone let me know if that’s normal or if you’ve felt like that too.

And does anyone have any advice/experience on how to move on from all of this because I do want to genuinely move on from this because the idea of the guy I like, (the one mentioned before) touching me still makes me freeze up/stress out and if we do end up getting back together in the future etc. I need to heal from all of the above and I do want a good and healthy relationship with him because he really is such a great guy in every aspect and it would genuinely work if we both just improve on ourselves.

P.S please be nice if you do respond to this because I really don’t want to deal with people being horrible 😭 I’ve had enough for a lifetime 🫠

Hi guys, so I'm a teen girl and I've had a boyfriend for over a year and to sum it up, he raped me a bunch (not held down I just kept saying no), he got me pregnant and wanted to be a teen mom, I got an abortion and became depressed, after awhile of being depressed he called me a bad girlfriend. My friend found out about this and went on a rant about how he doesn't love me and opened up my eyes and now I don't know what to do. I love him but I honestly wish I never met him. I lost my beloved pet too and I'm not realizing he doesn't support me in times of grief. I can't believe he's the person I hugged for comfort after he tried to race me and my sister saw him. I'm confused and I don't think I have to courage to say anything to anybody. It's made me suicidal and it's gotten worse since my poor baby died. What should I do? Any advice would be good, books, anything, I just need some reassurance that I'm not a bad person for killing his baby and making him sad with my depression.

The guy put his fingers in me and pushed them in deep enough to cause pain and bleeding.

I don't know what to do anymore and therapy isn't an option

My life has essentially been a string of sexual assaults. I was assaulted by my mums ex boyfriend from around 3 to 13. I met up with a man and he touched me when i was that age as well. I was then groomed by my neighbour, a 27 year old man. That stopped and when I was 14 i lost my virginity to a 34 year old man. I was high and had been going round to this man's house for a day when we had sex outside in his garden, then again on his bed and I gave him a blow job while drunk. The second time i had sex was a few months after this with a 36 year old man, who picked me up from a bar where i was with some of my older friends. We had sex for about 2 months, oral and penetrative. He was sent to prison for 7 years. I now feel like I'm worth nothing more than my body and after getting back with my boyfriend from America i feel like im not good enough for him becquse im dirty. I also feel like i wasn't assaulted after 13. What do I do to stop these cycles? I've developed an eating disorder and have a few other issues. I seriously need help and christmas is really hard this year but none of my support workers help and my foster careers don't understand that having to have a man come through my room might trigger me (he's a wheelchair user and the only way to get in is through my patio doors) but I feel really selfish because I could just leave the room. Any help would be greatly appreciated.