Need Advice Overcoming Triggers in Current Relationship

[u/[deleted]]

Hi everyone, this subreddit seemed like it may be a good space for me to vent and take some advice. This is a throwaway account that will probably be deleted after I get some advice on how to move forward.

When I was 16 I was quite depressed and had very low self esteem. This was during Covid and I lost a lot of weight to the point where men starting being interested in me. I didn’t know how to handle it or what to do. I met a 19 year old and his friends at a park one day and it developed into this weird, degrading friendship. He was nice a first and he was the first boy to have a “crush” on me. He was my first awkward kiss and the next day he told me he felt bad and that he couldn’t do it. I was pretty broken up but fine. Then a few months later he wanted to hang out. We agreed to let our dogs meet each other and have a play date. He didn’t bring his dog and the whole time he kept trying to touch me. Hold hand, grab my waist, etc.

I resisted every time. I told him we were friends and that I didn’t want a repeat of our first kiss. He kept pushing, kept touching. It got to a point where he pinned me on the ground and kissed me. Then tried to kiss down my neck and I said no again. Eventually I gave in. I kissed him too and eventually we went to my truck. He would try to rub me or grab my boobs but I would always move his hand away and tell him to stop. I thought maybe if we went for a drive it would stop. He complained and said we should go to my house and watch a movie. I was a fool and thought he would leave me alone. I turned on a movie and his started touching me and kissing me again and kept trying to have sex with me. I kept saying no but he just begged. He said if I wouldn’t give him sex I should give him head. And I wanted it to end so I did.

He ended up gagging me, holding my head down, and laughing while I cried. When he came he got up immediately and went to the bathroom. I still remember the look on his face. I took a shot of vodka to get the taste out of my mouth. He got out of the bathroom and said “you know post nut clarity is a real thing”. I drove him back to his car where he asked me if I wanted to have sex and I just stayed quiet.

After that one of his closer friends became my first boyfriend. It was a relationship full of manipulation, pain, and more trauma. I confided in said boyfriend about the SA his friend had caused and he told me this long spiel about how a girl accused him of doing something he didn’t and it ruined his life. I now question if he had raped a girl before me. The first boyfriend didn’t believe me when the SA guy kept trying to show up at my work, follow my first boyfriend to my house, and tried to invite himself into my life multiple times.

I went through a lot of pain trying to get to the point where today (almost five years later). I’m triggered far less often. My parents still don’t know what happened and I got too scared to tell my therapist what happened. Only two people in the world know in detail what happened to me and one accused me of lying.

I can’t seem to bring myself to tell my current boyfriend what happened to me. My current boyfriend is kind, loving, and amazing. He is the man I want to marry, but I can’t seem to be brave enough to really tell him what happened. Something happened today while we were being intimate and it triggered me. It was by no means non consensual or anything bad. It was something normal people would have laughed off and moved on. I went quiet and I couldn’t talk or look at him. It was like all the disgust came rushing back and I was paralyzed again.

My bf knows about the SA but not in detail. He just knows that I have dreams about it sometimes and they drastically mess with my mental health for the week. He is always so patient and good to me when this happens. He deserves an explanation instead of me shutting down when I get triggered. I know he feels like it’s his fault and I feel so guilty for everything.

How can I overcome that paralysis? Why do I feel like I can’t tell anyone what happened to me? Why do I still feel so disgusted with myself? This was graphic and I’m sorry. I just need to let it out somehow.

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