r/selfhelp • u/AdmirableBlessing • 1d ago
I'm Fucking Struggling SO HARD to Let Go After an Argument with My Sister
I had an argument with my sister recently that’s left me feeling stuck and spiraling mentally. A lot of it centered on me not having a job right now and how I don’t want to go back to bagging groceries I'm 31 I want more. I want to pursue a real career—something I’m passionate about—but she seems to think I’m not doing enough for the family, and that hit a nerve.
The thing is, I know I’ve held onto a lot of resentment toward her from the past. She’s hurt me in ways she doesn’t even remember, and I hate that I can’t seem to let it go. It’s like I want to make her the villain in my mind because it feels validating for how much she’s hurt me. But at the same time, I can’t stop acting like I don’t care about her, even though deep down, I do.
She’s tried to have the type of relationship she wants with me, but I’m not sure I want that—or even know what I want it to look like. After our fight, I can’t help but feel like a screw-up. Like I’m wasting my life or that my goals and dreams don’t matter. Even if she was right about some things, I don’t want it to mean I’m a terrible person.
I just want to stop carrying all this mental baggage. I want to build my self-worth and confidence without letting this argument—or her opinions—define how I see myself. Has anyone else struggled with this? How do you let go of the past and not let someone else’s perspective make you feel like you’re failing at life? I don't want to go back to feeling numb and like a waste of life ..
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u/TrainingOwl 1d ago
Yes, I have dealt with this. It is awful that things people say can impact our sense of self and overall mood and linger for hours, days, months, years afterwards. I have actually experienced this exactly and I had tried just writing out my thoughts at this point because I don’t want to carry this baggage or any resentments. I also bought some books for myself because I didn’t find therapy very effective because you have to keep going consistently.
The best thing I found is The Work by Byron Katie. It helps you get to the root cause of what is bothering you about the situation or person. There are quick worksheets you can download for free on the website (https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/) or use the free phone app. Very helpful in dealing with your emotions so you can understand and process them. Best tool I have found at this point but it would be nice to just have emotional regulation intuitively because I have to force myself to deal with things sometimes or initiate the disk cleanup…. Sigh.
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u/AdmirableBlessing 17h ago
Thanks so much for the references!! And you sharing your experience helped me feel a lot less alone and less helpless! Thank you❤️
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u/goqo 1d ago
You aren't ok with yourself right now. That's why others can affect you so harshly.
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u/AdmirableBlessing 17h ago
I agree.❤️ The transitions I'm making are causing me to also feel more unbalanced or insecure lately because I have control issues and wish i could see the future lol. Thanks for your answer😃
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u/AliKri2000 1d ago
It sounds like there may have been a lot of trauma there. Do you have a plan for how you are going to work towards a different career?
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u/AdmirableBlessing 16h ago
There is quite a bit of trauma. I do have a basic plan for my future career, but it feels like the bare minimum. I’ve been networking and gaining more insight, educating myself more on the field I’m pursuing, but I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to constantly revise and perfect the plan. Honestly, it’s a bit overwhelming, and I think I’m scared of fully committing because it feels like I’m leaving so much up to the unknown. Thanks for answering ❤️you made me realize I need to focus on breaking it down into smaller, manageable steps instead of trying to figure everything out all at once. 😃
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u/boumboum34 1d ago
Sounds like she's toxic, and sounds like you two need a break from each other, preferably a few weeks to a month or so. I don't know if that's possible in your living situation.
You could've really used family support in find something better than being a bag boy. Instead, all they seem to want is for YOU to support THEM. That's toxic.
Dealing with an abusive loved one..is tough...because there's all that hurt, yet you still have those feelings of love, too. There's a clip of Youtube, from "All in the Family", Archie Bunker trapped in the basement of his bar, with Mike. Mike learns Archie's father was abusive...yet Archie refuses to say a single bad word about his father. He can't; his father loved him...and his father abused him. But only Mike could see it.
You're not a screw-up. Your goals and dreams matter. You're not wasting your life; entry level jobs that pay decently have collapsed in many industries of late. Tens of millions of people are in the same boat as you. Its not your fault. It's a society-wide issue.
For me, sometimes it got too much; I had zero support, from anyone. Quite a lot of time I had to take a break from all of it, just for self-nurturing and get my mental health back up so I don't suicide or "go postal" as they used to say. Then I'd come up with new ideas, new plans, and try again.
Eventually, slowly, my life got a lot better. You just have to endure, keep going, take breaks when you need to, then come back and try again. Learn everything you can. Libraries are a great resource for career building stuff. So is Google, if you know where to look. So is here on Reddit.
Time to focus on you, and decide on your own next steps towards getting something better than a bag boy job.
The book "What Color is Your Parachute?" by Richard Nelson Bolles (renewed annually), one of the best job-hunting and career-building books I ever found. The job market has changed unrecognizeably since the book was first published in the 1970s...but the book is updated every year.
Focus on that.
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u/AdmirableBlessing 16h ago
Thank you so much for the support and for sharing your perspective and personal experiences. Your words really struck a chord with me, and the references you included gave me a lot to think about and look up. I realize that in many ways, we are probably both toxic in our own ways, and that’s something I’ve been working on through inner work to create a better life and healthier relationships.
Your response honestly lifted my spirits and helped me feel less alone in this struggle. It’s comforting to know someone else understands what I’m going through, and your encouragement gives me hope. I truly appreciate you taking the time to write this—it means a lot to me. Thank you for cheering me up and reminding me to keep going! Such a great answer!😃❤️
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u/boumboum34 12h ago
You are very welcome. :) It's people like you who make it worthwhile helping.
Some further thoughts (warning; long!);
Your sister. What to do about her? I'd say, a lot depends on what kind of person she is. There's a difference between just being flawed, which everyone is, and being toxic. It's only toxic if there's a refusal to change, or even any ackknowlegement of wrongdoing.
Let me ask you this; has she ever expressed genuine remorse for her behavior? Guilt, or shame? Has she ever successfully reformed in the past, when you pointed out something she was doing or saying that hurt you, and she then stopped doing it? Does she respect how you want her to treat you? Does she respect your boundaries? Does she respect you and your wishes? Or not?
You wote, of your own hurtful behavior; "that's something I've been working on through inner work to create a better life and healthier relationships." <--- this is about as far from toxic as one can get. Dude..! That's amazing!
About job hunts; some more books (audiobooks) for you;
"The 2-Hour Job Search: Using Technology to Get the Right Job Faster" by Steve Dalton.
"The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success" by Nicholas Lore
"50 Ways to Get a Job: Customize Your Quest to Find Work You Love" by Deve Aujla. (often the best jobs are found through "the back door", off the beaten path)
"Designing Your life" by Dave Evans and Bill Burnett
"Networking for People who Hate Networking" by Devora Zack
And the "Knock 'Em Dead" job hunting series by Martin Yate.
All of these should be at your library. There are likely audobooks, and video summaries of some of these on Youtube, too. Many of these authors have youtube channels.
Perhaps the 2 most useful job-hunting tips I ever got;
One, often the best, easiest jobs to get, are in the hidden job market; meaning, they aren't advertised yet, so no one knows they exist. Means far less competition, and your initiiative in uncovering such jobs really gives you an advantage; you stand out more. This is a part of what networking is about; finding those job openings no one else knows about.
Two; more than anything else, it's a numbers game. Job hunting is basically a sales job; expect a lot of nos before you get a yes. It's nothing personal, it's just the nature of the business. The more "no"s you can collect without your feelings being hurt and without it slowing you down, the faster you get hired and the more successful you become.
The highest-selling sales person is also the very same person who gets rejected the most. They've simply learned not to take rejection personally; it's just another necessary step on the ladder to success.
Back in the pre-broadband days, I used to find jobs by just going through the yellow pages of the dead-tree phone book, (or business directory at the public library) and calling companies up, one by one, in the category of the companies that had the kinds of jobs I was looking for.
Example, pizza delivery job, I'd call up every pizza delivery place listed; most weren't hiring, but maybe 1 out of every 10 was. These were all small businesses, so no HR to go through. Make 100 calls in one day (not an exaggeration, *literally 100+ phone calls a day), find 10 job openings in one day no one knows about except me. Apply at all 10, that very same day I made the calls, get 1 interview.
That's 1 interveiw per day. 1 out of 10 interviews results in a job offer on the spot. Get hired in 10 days. In 10 days I did 1,000 phone calls, filled out 100 job applications, did 10 interviews, got 1 job offer. Hired within 10 days. But usually I got more than 1 offer so I could pick and choose the best one.
I read it's not that easy anymore, especially in jobs that pay more than minimum wage, but you get the idea; this can be adapted.
Also, it's much easier to get a job offer when you already have a job; same reason I discovered I suddenly became much more attractive to girls once I had a girlfriend; it's social proof you have value.
I learned never to take "no" personally, as almost always, it didn't have anything to do with me. It's just playing the lottery, is all. Every call, every application, every interview, was just getting another lottery ticket.
This also gives you a LOT of experience at phone calls and applications, and interviews, fast...and you learn quickly how to ace them, and how to handle every possible question that will come your way. You gain confidence, fast, too. You've done this so many times now, it's not a big deal anymore...and confidence impresses people.
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u/Significant-Loan811 1d ago
At the risk of getting sniped, I'm responding to you as I would my own 29 year old son. 1st, The relationship with you and your sister set aside. If you're not working, what is your source of consistent income? How are you eating? If you are not bringing in enough to pay your fair share of household expenses plus food, then you need a job. Now I'm all for going with your passion, but until it starts paying the bills, it is unacceptable to not take at least a part-time job that pays your bills. If you wanna eat, you gotta earn! You must pay to stay! and all those cute get out and get it phrases. 2nd, You're bruised because of the personal emotions between you and your sister, but if that's her message, tone and manner removed, she is correct, you need to get a consistent source of income to help you pay your part while pursuing your passion. That's it in a nutshell. As far as that relationship me and my sister fight all the time there is a lot of trauma there too, but we don't allow it to kill the bond. We are sisters. Now that won't be the same for everyone, so get therapy, set boundaries, and stick to them.
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u/AdmirableBlessing 16h ago
Thank you for taking the time to reply—I can see you were trying to help. But, this didn’t fully address what I was looking for.
My post was more about the emotional and mental struggles I’m dealing with rather than just practical issues like finding a job or contributing financially. While I understand the importance of those things, I’m currently struggling with deeper issues like building my self-worth, processing past hurt, and not letting others’ opinions define how I see myself.
Your response came across as dismissive of the vulnerability I shared. It focused on financial responsibilities and solutions but didn’t acknowledge the emotional weight of what I’m going through. It felt like my feelings were minimized, especially with comments like, “If you wanna eat, you gotta earn.” That kind of tone makes me feel judged rather than supported. Which I was already feeling.
What I really needed was empathy and advice on how to process these emotions and let go of the mental baggage that’s holding me back. I hope this helps you see where I’m coming from a littlebetter. Thanks again for your input.❤️🙂
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u/Significant-Loan811 8h ago
You can not get what you are looking for from the masses you can only get it from taking better care of your mental health. Start with removing all obstacles to your peace, get into therapy so you can find out why you feel the way you do, and bring those family members who are willing to come to a session when the time is right. I'd give you a big hug if I could, so I'm sending you one now. The best advice I have ever been given is that "guilt is self made". I've expanded on this through life. If a person constantly ignores your feelings, it's because you are ignoring your feelings. You can keep a relationship with your sister and still protect your peace. But maybe you need time apart to rebuild yourself first. Therapy is going to be the best answer. I have a therapist, and I use my camera for therapy. Good luck to you. Put your peace 1st, but not before your stomach 😁.
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u/MusicByBeth06 1d ago
Working on finding peace within yourself and coming to acceptance with your past and present will be the most positive start to healing. You won’t find a lot of success finding balance with your sister until you deal with your own feelings. You deserve to love yourself and determine what you need to move forward. The peace you realize will give you new perspective and allow love for your sister to grow. In the meanwhile try tolerance. It sounds like you love her. And that she loves you. You are in different places and not able to hear each other’s hearts right now.