Being forced to stop

[u/Void_RunnR]

So about a week and a half ago I (24f) relapsed after 6+ years of being clean (im going through a lot of shit right now). I told my girlfriend after my initial relapse and said I wouldn't do it again. I lied. Ive been cutting daily since. Nothing too deep, but they're all some variation of "styro" and theres a lot of them. I live with her and have been wearing long sleeves and hoodies strictly, so she hadn't seen the new cuts until last night.

She forced me to give her all my tools and she threatened to send me to a hospital if I did it again. I know its from a good place but the way she went about handling it all made me feel worse than I already do. I understand she is angry that I broke her trust but I really wish she would have been more gentle about everything.

I have nobody to talk to about this who understands and doesn't think I'm fucking crazy. I feel so alone.

Idk. I have so many shitty feelings going on and feel like a failure and a disappointment. I thought I had kicked this stupid habit for good but I guess not. I should never have picked up that stupid razor again. I hate this and I hate myself. Its all I can think about right now. The first thing I thought of this morning when I woke up was cutting. Its like an obsession for me. I'm scared I'm gonna go buy more shit and do it again. I'm scared I'm going to ruin my relationship over this. I'm a shitty person and an even shittier girlfriend.

I guess this is for my own good. I was hoping I could have stopped on my own terms through therapy and stuff again but the wait lists are so long right now for any therapist that seems like a good fit. Idk. Sorry for the scatter brain thoughts.

[u/ManakoAimi]

It’s okay to relapse and 6+ years is already so much and you can do it again and stay clean. Obviously it’s hard but you already did it once and stayed clean for so long you’re not a disappointment or a failure it’s okay to relapse it’s a part of the process and she maybe shouldn’t had reacted that way but she didn’t deal with that so she probably doesn’t understand it that good and just tried to help you so you won’t be hurt which is good. I don’t think you’ll ruin your relationship just try to talk with her and tell her how you feel because if she loves you she’ll try to understand and when you have urges maybe tell her that and she can help you and spend time with you or do anything else what helps you with your thoughts so you won’t do it. About the hospital thing maybe you should go to a hospital basically I mean a mental hospital if you feel like you could do something to yourself or that you can’t handle it or try to talk to someone and tell them how you feel, if you need anyone to talk to you can dm me but maybe you can talk to someone irl too. I hope you’re alright and that you won’t hurt yourself in any way and don’t buy anything<3

Edit: I forgot to say that but maybe you could try to tell her too that it hurt you and that she could have be more gentler because communication helps but I think for now just relax and remember you’re not a failure and it’s okay to relapse its a part of the healing process and I believe in you.

[u/throwaway548202]

I'm sorry your girlfriend reacted so poorly. No one should be threatening to send you to the hospital unless your injuries are life threatening. I would bring up with her that her reaction made you feel even more ashamed and afraid to reach out for support. If she's a good girlfriend, she'll also reassess her behavior towards you. You're not a failure or a disappointment, you're just another sad person trying to survive in this fucked up world however you can.