r/minimalist • u/TheJOMOCoach • Oct 17 '24
Will you inherit “stuff” from your parents?
Curious…how have you dealt with the prospect of inheriting your parent’s stuff: collections, china dishes, trinkets, storage containers or storage units, etc? Have you had conversations with them to try to help them minimize in advance? How did that go?
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u/PrestigiousWheel9587 Oct 17 '24
Hi 👋 It is one of my nightmares 😂 I worry about the carpets the paintings the massive furniture etc. Etc. You can try to have conversations but unless they’re very mindful and modern you risk upsetting them and why take that risk? After all they won’t resolve it all which means you’re anyway gonna have to do some cleaning up and so why cause some friction or animosity. It would be for nothing. Another point is can you imagine your kids telling you what you should or shouldn’t keep? I can and I can tell you I’m certainly not keen on my kids telling me what I should or shouldn’t keep after an entire life of working hard .
Good luck 🤞
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u/TheJOMOCoach Oct 17 '24
Good point. I have the mindset of not wanting anyone to have to deal with anything after my passing except their feelings, so I maintain my space and affairs as such. I realize this isn’t something most people think about, especially an older generation. There’s a lot of stigma and denial around discussing the topic of death and belongings. Thanks for your reply!
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u/PrestigiousWheel9587 Oct 17 '24
Yes it’s kinda sad because on their death the immediate memory will be, having to clean up an entire life’s worth of accumulated junk. But my parents have told us point blank they will not worry about it. Meaning we will! 😂 😭 best be mentally prepared I guess
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u/jonno_5 Oct 17 '24
Oh god my SO's parents are real hoarders. She dreads the day that they pass and she'll have to clear out the house. There's no reasoning with them either, unless you want a full blown argument.
I think the best option is to take just a few items of sentimental (or real) value and then get a house clearance company in to deal with the rest.
When my mother passed I found a few things that really brought back memories - a silver spoon we used to make cakes when I was young, a vintage glassware collection we built up over the years by going to garage and car boot sales looking for matching pieces. These were the only things I kept, and they're also things I can take out and use which will remind me of her.
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u/Csimiami Oct 18 '24
I pretend that the local retirement home is looking for VHS tapes. Or some other collection my parents are keeping but not using. They are thrilled someone wants their 1989 copy of Batteries Not Included. They spend half the day boxing it up for me. Reliving memories attached and are happy to let it go. I take it to goodwill. Or if it has any value sell it and buy them gift cards to their favorite restaurant. Win win.
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u/Border_Relevant Oct 17 '24
My mom downsized after my stepdad died. And she's said many times she knows that a lot of her stuff will go to thrift stores. She probably doesn't love the idea, and we'll definitely keep a few things, but she accepts that's the way it goes.
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Oct 17 '24
I got lucky. My mom downsized so hard when my dad died. Everything she owned minus a luggage of clothes fit in a POD which was shipped from VA to CA. She is still purging. When her mom passes she is moving back to the east coast to be near her grand kids. She did say recently she now understands and appreciates my lifestyle.
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u/IgorRenfield Oct 17 '24
My brother and I are going to face this very situation. Once we have removed a couple of personal items we want to keep, everything else goes to an estate sale.
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u/Available-Fill8917 Oct 17 '24
My mother is downsizing now moving from her home to an apartment and she’s resentful and angry that no one wants all her shit from a lifetime of collecting.
It’s a real problem and has strained what little relationship we had. I wish she would have just died in her home and then I could throw it all in a dump without all the anger and crying and manipulation. She’s so spiteful and bitter about it all.
Maybe if your parents aren’t emotionally attached to objects and have a healthy grasp on their emotions and are capable of empathy and self awareness then sure, the conversations might be worth having.
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u/Frisson1545 Oct 21 '24
As the boomer parent, I started this a few years ago of getting rid of things. I am at a comfortable level of stuff but one thing that happens when you let of of so much stuff is that, after that is said and done, you may find that you also have a different measure for assessing the things that you previously thought were still worth keeping. Sooner or later you are apt to look around and ask yourself why you kept this or that. Then you dig a little deeper and eliminate another layer.
One category of such things are those things that have some meaning to you, but really no meaning to your kids. A good example would be photos of your friends over the years. These were your friends, not the friends of your kids. They dont really care for a photo of your old friend Pam. They didnt know Pam and you should just let that go. There are lots of "Pams" in our photos.
By the way, I organized , sorted, curated and annotated the entire collection of photos that we had. That took me a long time and I learned many things along the way. I learned things about myself, about life and about how to sort the photos of life. I have much to say about that, but this is not the forum for that, although I would love to discuss it with others.
I am so glad that I have gone ahead and downsized so very much, but one thing I am having a hard time with is my sewing room and sewing things. Even though I have drastically brought it down, I still have things that I am trying to find a home for. It is not just things, but also expectations and desires of what to sew or not sew have also been downsized. I want things as simple and clean cut as possible and all of those fantasies of cloth and pattern have settled into the reality that it is not going to happen , nor, do I want it to.
The criteria by which you make life choices changes and you will view your stuff differently as you peel away the top layers.
My daughter moans about the mess her MIL is is with all of her stuff. I tell her that is why I started to take action against that some years ago. When you get old. all of that stuff can get in the way of making changes. And, changes are coming. This way, I am more in control of it and the kids wont have to make all of those little decisions.
Just this week I tackled a stack of 55 year old letters that hubs and I wrote to each other when he was stationed abroad in the military. I have avoided this emotional mess for a long time, but didnt want to leave the unfiltered letters for the kids. I sorted, got rid of some of the more cringe worthy ones and put a spot light on the ones that I deem keep worthy. I gave some to hubs and told him to read and tear up. I will keep just a couple of them.
Not every photo or letter is worthy of keeping. I have a much more clear idea of. how to sort all that out now. I have learned a thing or two about how to make that judgment. That is another example of how you learn to fine tune your thinking of what has importance and to who.
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u/TheJOMOCoach Oct 24 '24
Great point- our needs/desires to keep certain things change with our seasons of life. As we go through our own memorabilia (pics of Pam lol, journals, letters) we revisit parts of ourselves and we may find that we are ready to let those things go- they’ve served their peoples in our growth. We know in our hearts when we are ready. Thank you for sharing!!
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u/Kelekona Oct 17 '24
Her dad left her a hoard and I asked her not to do that to me. Other than that, I live here and I'm concerned about the effect it's having on me right now. If she kicks it before we get it cleaned up, at least I know that I don't want this stuff.
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u/Northern_Special Oct 17 '24
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I wouldn't suggest to them to get rid of anything before they are ready, but neither parent (separated) has an unusual amount of stuff.
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u/Darth_Spectre_Lair Oct 17 '24
This is a really good question I'm actually in a similar position currently.
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u/TheJOMOCoach Oct 19 '24
I hope you find some good advice here. I think a lot of people don’t realize how unfair it is to put their kids in this kind of situation.
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u/Darth_Spectre_Lair Oct 22 '24 edited Oct 22 '24
Thank you for your kind words; it's nice to feel welcome here and so encouraging to know I'm not alone in this area (for decades people berated me for certain inclinations by saying that it was strictly a 'me' problem or always taking the blame for why something turned out the way it did or how something bad tornadoed into the mess I currently find myself in).
My only regret is that I didn't discover subs like this eons ago especially when I was struggling at the peak of my toxic traits (back when I really needed some preventative measures during impressionable times in my development).
In some ways i honestly feel so far behind like I'm never going to fully catch up; always running just to catch myself yet still being in last place when it comes to trying to figure out what makes life tick.
Still got a long road ahead but am finally starting to break free of those mental chains by calling out the role others played in contributing to these tendencies.
I only wish some of these people would just face the music and just be willing to address the root cause rather than trying to constantly create their own solutions out of thin air or think that their interpretation is the only way to 'fix' human nature.
I think you raise a really good question that a lot of us are facing (especially with entering generational shifts) when it comes to how much family heirlooms we hang on to versus let go of regardless of how other people try to influence these decisions (apologies btw for the semi-rant, just been feeling really burdened with a lot of repetitive and unsolved thoughts turning over in my head lately).
Out of curiosity what are some strategies you've personally found helpful when it comes to sorting through other people's baggage / passed down possessions?
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u/TheJOMOCoach Oct 23 '24
I have a couple of thoughts on this: if there’s something I truly love and want to possess it, then I’d keep it. I also have taken pictures of items I love but don’t want to haul around for the rest of my life. If there’s something that can live out its purpose with someone else then I would gift it to them or sell it. For example, I know someone who sold a Christmas tree and it was bought by a small local restaurant. Also sold some kitchen items and they were bought by a mom trying to set her college age daughter in an apartment. It feels good to give new life to old things. Many cities have Buy Nothing/free groups on social media and you can post items there. There’s always the dumpster idea after that 😊
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u/Darth_Spectre_Lair Oct 24 '24
Thanks! Those definitely sound helpful. I appreciate your sharing and will try to apply some of these strategies to my situation 👍 I particularly like your picture taking suggestion.
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u/sandymanchester Oct 17 '24 edited Oct 20 '24
Speaking from my own experience, if they are overwhelmed, not ready, or physically cannot downsize, there's not much you can do. Personally, I have regrets about conversations I had with my mom about the amount of stuff she had — I’d rather look back on those memories with more peace.
I found a good Estate Sale company that handled a lot of the moving and selling when she passed. This option helps you largely if don't want/can't keep a lot of things, don't have the time/help to go through everything, and need things dealt with quickly (e.g. selling the house). Without an estate sale company, it was personally too much for me to handle on my own, even with help.
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u/rbarr228 Oct 17 '24
My wife Googled Swedish Death Cleaning and it had a profound effect on her.
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u/TheJOMOCoach Oct 17 '24
Agreed! That book is incredible. Getting parents on board is another thing..
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Oct 18 '24
I think I'm supposed to get their house. It's very old. I've already put over 30k into renovations and barely made a dent in it. It's an absolute money pit. Told my Mom to demo it and rebuild or sell it and buy new but she's stubborn.
I don't even want it but at the same time I don't want to sound ungrateful.
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u/InNausetWeTrust Oct 18 '24
30 yard dumpster should take care of it. I might use the Lennox China that was only used for Xmas, Thanksgiving and Easter as target practice. 😂🤣
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u/Frisson1545 Oct 21 '24
Yeah, why did people even think that the china and crystal were of any real value at all?
But, they did. It was all nonsense! I am a boomer but never got into that.
The resell stores are full of such stuff now! ugh! I didnt want it in the past and sure dont want it now!
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u/NullableThought Oct 17 '24
I've stopped making comments about downsizing to my parents. I realized how annoying I was being. It's their life. They can do what they like. If they want to hold on to their tax returns from the 1960s to the present, good for them. I don't have to deal with their stuff if I don't want to. I could use any money I inherit to pay others to deal with it if I want. If I don't inherit anything, I could just let the state/bank deal with it.