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u/Select_Prior_2506 1d ago
I mean ngl dad is very wise.
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u/Relative-Camel3123 1d ago
He's also gaslighting her and is clearly a narc-
Kidding. I'm glad we can sometimes have normal people moments sometimes on reddit
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u/AssistPowerful 1d ago
He's a narco? Damn, i should've known!
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u/MyNameHasNoUser 1d ago
Yea in the South American drug trade the duster (el polvo) is the person who takes the processed cocaine (dust) and transports it from the jungle to the warehouses for packaging and then it gets shipped out. He’s tricked his daughter into to transporting the processed cocaine to the warehouses for free by convincing her she’s really good at it.
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u/that_other_geek 1d ago
I was the best shower cleaner. And I took it proudly
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u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks 1d ago
My son is 2 weeks into potty trainer and he is "the best potty user, ever, pro potty user" and he is also very proud of it 😂
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u/that_other_geek 1d ago
Awww, I see a trophy or a sticker coming soon
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u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks 1d ago edited 1d ago
Dude you don't even know 😂 we do a sticker chart and prize reward system, so many little dollar tree toys, it works extremely well and has definitely strongly contributed to his outstanding success. He's had ZERO accidents outside of the house, and he goes to a 3 hour preschool program 3 days a week. Then only minor accidents at home just when he's laser focused on playing or something. Plus I purposefully stopped prompting him at home after the first few days so he could learn to recognize it and go himself. So hell) occasionally he'll like start peeing a tiny bit and then go, "oh!" and run to the bathroom to finish, then announce he needs to go grab fresh undies and change into them. Seriously amazing. Highly recommend both waiting until they're really ready (for us it was 3 years and 1 month) and also using at least a sticker chart since that's cheap and easy and who doesn't love stickers?? It's been 3 weeks now and most of the time we don't even do the stickers.
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u/CrayonCobold 1d ago
My dad could have learned this lesson instead of getting upset every time it took a bit longer to change the oil when I was helping
My brother has just learned this lesson thankfully
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u/Weird-Salamander-349 1d ago
I still get self conscious that I’m somehow holding flashlights wrong.
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u/mehvet 1d ago
In all honesty; you, I, and millions of others were likely doing a terrible job holding the light. However, the reason why is usually because nobody explained what was going on and thereby what needed illuminated. If my kid is holding a light, they are sick of me explaining what’s going on, but they do a much better job than I ever did.
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u/ChampionshipIll3675 1d ago
I was walking my dog a few weeks ago in my neighborhood. A family was putting up Christmas lights. The dad was on the ladder screaming at his 5-6 year-old daughter to get the next string of lights. He was shouting, "Are you blind? It's right there! Just pick it up!" The little girl started crying. The mom was right there and did not intervene. I tried to walk past the house quickly. It was so uncomfortable.
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u/WeinMe 1d ago
Fixing things is already fucking annoying. Now the kid is there! I'm not going to lie. Keeping my head cool is one of the most taxing things I do whenever my little girl is there to "help" me fix things because I'm already angry as hell at that piece of shit plywood.
But she loves it, insists on participating, and gets better every time, so I'm proud 🙂
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u/CrayonCobold 1d ago
My dad was a bit different, he'd insist I had to help him even though I hated it and even when I made an honest attempt to do it well he'd critique every little thing I did
It's probably why I don't even bother trying new things now most of the time
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u/ziggylcd12 1d ago
Same. One of the biggest influences on how I live my life sadly. Don't do stuff that I could fail at. Have to work really hard on it to not let it control me
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u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks 1d ago
I'm a SAHM of a 3yo and I do most of the cleaning and fixing things around the house and, man, same. Everyone tells you, "Just involve them in what you're doing!" and it's like, "yes, if I want this laundry to take 5 timee longer, be 10 times more frustrating, and end up having to do it all myself anyway, I can definitely do that". Still, ya gotta let em do stuff.
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u/Raichu7 1d ago
If you don't want people who have no idea what they are doing making your tasks harder as they try to help, then I don't know why you'd choose to have kids. Like that's the majority of being a parent for most of their single digit years as you teach them the vast majority of what they need to know to become self sufficient adults later.
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u/PM_ME_Happy_Thinks 1d ago
Maybe you missed my last sentence.
Knowing you have to let them do stuff still doesn't make it "not" frustrating.
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u/FutureNSAAgent 1d ago
They’ll also take pride in the work they did and try to do a good job in the future
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u/TheGreyling 1d ago
Is this why I don’t take pride in anything I do? All the negative reinforcement? That would make some sense.
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u/imcomingelizabeth 1d ago
My kids are very good at scrubbing toilets and folding laundry
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u/ihaxr 1d ago
Til someone comes along and tells them if you're really good at something, don't do it for free
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u/Projectonyx 1d ago
"Mother, have a seat. I believe it's time we discussed my wage"
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u/Burger_Destoyer 1d ago
“I birthed you- lifetime debt.”
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u/keinezwiebeln 1d ago
Hard disagree. You chose to birth the kid. They don't owe you jack shit.
Sure, make them do chores so they'll know how to take care of themselves as adults. But not because "they owe you". How entitled.5
u/Burger_Destoyer 1d ago
I was making a joke homie
Either way, my mother worked every day to put a roof over my head, she came back every evening to make me a home cooked meal, she stayed up late nights to help me through homework assignments and she always took time and care to push me to follow my passions and try new things.
I am the person I am because of my mother and if I owe anyone anything in this world, it’s her.
She may have chosen to birth me but she also chose to raise me to the best of her ability and be a great parent.
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u/MaritMonkey 1d ago
Legit though my mom taught me the "it's always nice to be proud of doing a good job" lesson early. I am now in my 40s and still feel like "fuck yeah, look how clean that toilet is!" whenever I clean the bathroom.
I learned from the time of my life I had to have housemates that it is actually a thing worthy of at least a little pride. :)
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u/willowgardener 1d ago
Too late, you've already developed a conditioned response to feel high self-esteem when you're weeding! The damage helpfulness has been done!
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u/TheOnlyTBro 1d ago
It took until we were in our mid teen to realize this is what our step dad was up to when we were asked to grab a beer and he'd "time us". Didn't know how we were always beating each other's time lol
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u/Ickyhouse 1d ago
My wife remembers her dad telling her how much better she could pour a beer for him over anyone else. It just tasted better when she poured it. I like to remind her of this skill whenever I need a beer today.
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u/St_Kitts_Tits 1d ago
This is so funny because my mom always telling me i had to re-do the floor vacuuming job 3 times because i was terrible at it really made me not like cleaning growing up. I wouldn’t even put the vacuum away, just leave it in the middle of the floor because I knew she would just make me do it again. I don’t own a vacuum as an adult
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u/ChampionshipIll3675 1d ago
What your mom did is abuse. I'm sure that this is not the only example of her mistreating you.
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u/St_Kitts_Tits 1d ago
I think that’s a little over the top, my mom was mildly abusive, but nothing too crazy. She was severely physically abused in her own childhood, and in her resolve to be better than her mother, she was verbally abusive instead. I didn’t like it growing up, and I moved out at 20 because she still felt like she could control our lives as adults. Anyhow, I’ve come to terms with reality, and myself and my sisters are strongly resolved to not parent like our mother.
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u/grabtharsmallet 1d ago
She did better than her parents, and you're doing better than she did. I'm sure you hope your kids do better than you, too. That's the way it should be.
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u/St_Kitts_Tits 23h ago
Who needs therapy when I can get comments like this for free on Reddit?
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u/grabtharsmallet 23h ago
Thank you, it's how I process my own experiences as both a child and parent.
My wife has had to do real heavy lifting, though. Her childhood wasn't the worst, but it was pretty close to the bottom.
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u/Blotepotenpeter 1d ago
It's a sound strategy for getting people to do what you want without drama.
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u/tris_majestis 1d ago
This works at most jobs too.
All I need, other than my paycheck obviously, is a little validation once in a while. Just tell me I'm doing a good job, and I will feel good about doing my job.
Tell kids they're doing a good job, and they will want to keep doing whatever it is they're doing. Even a small dose of positive reinforcement goes a long way. Make doing the thing feel good.
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u/Happy_Life_22 1d ago
Wait a minute. Does this mean I may not be the best napkin folder of all time?
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u/GeorgeDir 1d ago edited 1d ago
When I was eight, my mom told me I was really good at math. That one comment motivated me to focus on math, that led me to study engineering in university, and build a career I enjoy.
Without her comment I might not even have gone to college
I now realize I never told her this.
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u/NegativeFlower6001 1d ago
As a 38 year-old, I only found out last year that I’m not the best at dicing onions and tomatoes for guacamole.
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u/SimpletonSwan 1d ago
I'm slightly freaked out that someone born in 99 already has a child old enough to do chores.
(Assuming that's her birth year in the username of course)
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u/PeachesLovesHerb 1d ago
Today, as a 42 year old with 20 years of home baking under my belt, I JUST realized that the grown ups were lying when they told us that we had to tiptoe around the house and whisper or the cake in the oven would fall.
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u/DIGGYRULES 15h ago
I teach middle school and I learned years ago to always tell my most difficult class that they’re my favorite. That I look forward to them every single day. It has never failed to make them work hard and they end up being great.
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u/BannedForEternity42 20h ago
Become a parent, have your childhood achievements smashed and exposed for what they truly were.
Psychological ploys of the exhausted parent.
My wife just asked if her advanced certificate in lawn mowing wasn’t real!!!
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u/sapphiespookerie 1d ago
My sweet dad would always say that I was "better" at wrapping presents than him or my mom. Guess who still wraps all the presents except for mine, even though I haven't lived with them for 10 years? Today's my first Christmas without him, and I'm missing that dry humor of his a lot. :,)
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u/MBVakalis 1d ago
I still bitched about the chores I knew I was good at, no matter how much praise I got
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u/Corrupted_Lotus33 1d ago
When getting my little brother to clean up his room i would challenge him to a race. I bet him I could clean up half of his room faster then he could pick up the other half. He'd get heated and "rise to the challenge" and we would do "on your marks, get set, go!" And we would quickly clean his room. Sometimes I'd beat him and clean slightly more then him, sometimes he'd win.
Either way he cleaned half/most of the room and he had fun doing it. And we always got it done fast. Which was good cause we both hated cleaning lol.
Could spend hours getting pissed off he wasn't cleaning his room fast, or take 10 minutes challenging that kid to effectively a cleaning contest and that room would be spick and span in no time.
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u/envsciencerep 1d ago
This is how my parents got me to make them pancakes every Sunday morning. I got played for real.
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u/Figueroa_Chill 1d ago
I always remember when we had bags of messages I used to put them at the back of the car and say to my son "Just you leave them, you will never be able to carry all of them to the house they are far to heavy". He carried the bags into the house for years.
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u/Mysterious_Guide_846 23h ago
Man, this hits hard! It's wild how some parents just don't get that a little patience goes a long way. Like, I remember helping my old man fix stuff and he would freak out if I took too long. But now I see how that just made me wanna avoid it altogether. It's like, let the kids learn, right? It’s all about the journey, not just the end result.
Do you think there’s a sweet spot between guidance and letting them figure things out?
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u/timeless_ocean 23h ago
I will be like: Yes I know I'm very talented at this, but it is not my true passion, so I will not pursue this path (cleaning the kitchen)
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u/Weardly2 19h ago
I'm guilty of doing the same exact thing. My children are old enough to have their own kids and sometimes I give parenting tips that makes them re-think their childhood.
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u/bozhodimitrov 1d ago
At the same time university study says that if you don't encourage kids that they are doing great, they might try harder to achieve goals and do activities better. Now, who is right and who is wrong here, and why there is such obvious dissonance?
So on one hand if you want your kids to suck at something, but not complain about it, you have to encourage them and lie that they are great at doing it.
And on the other hand if you want them to be better and to achieve something real in life, you have to be real, tough and crush their hearts, but they will be whining and bitching about it and you are going to be annoyed...
Hmmm
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u/Niztoay 1d ago
The world is hard enough to hone any edge you're imagining abuse is giving your child. You as a parent are the only people who can teach your child what unconditional love and support looks and sounds and feels like. Parents who fail to demonstrate empathy and love for their children are setting their kids up to be taken advantage of or to be inconsiderate bullies themselves.
Being a dick to your kids isn't okay, even if you can get away with it. How you treat people you have power over speaks to your character not theirs
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u/bozhodimitrov 1d ago
No one is saying that you have to be dick. But it seems that honesty and accurate representation of reality is key. That doesn't exclude showing empathy or love for your children.
Remember, our own mind sometimes projects or adds to the reality (or in this case it adds additional context to my comment) without it actually being related to the actual topic. I understand what you mean, but this is not my point. I didn't mean to dig in this negative direction. Sorry.
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u/ZWiloh 1d ago
The group that succeeds under one set of conditions may not be the same group that succeeds in the other.
I cannot deny that sometimes tough love is the answer, but it doesn't work on me and I crumble without support.
Studies show that mocking fat people will not make them get skinny, but there are always people who say it motivated them so it must work for everyone.
People are just different.
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u/nsfwaltsarehard 1d ago
"Studies have shown" doesn't link anything... HMMMMMMM Also weird how you go from encouragement to "crushing their hearts"
I call bait.
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u/isthatmyex 1d ago
As the guy who is the "strict teacher" at my school, I think you're mixing the ideas of challenging kids and being supportive/encouraging. I half jokingly say that if nobody ever cried because an assignment was difficult, if it was always easy for everyone, then I would be letting the kids down. At the same time it's my job to reinforce them, show them they CAN do it and make sure they feel that massive emotional reward boost from completing something that seemed impossible. It's about effort, not perfection.
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u/barbarbarbarbarbarba 1d ago
This seems like a false dichotomy and reeks of the kind of social psychology experiment that takes place over an afternoon and then unjustifiably applies itself to long term effects.
“I see you have been putting a lot of time into x and you are really improving, great job.” That emphasizes the importance of the work they are putting in and tells them they are doing well.
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u/DOOMsquared 1d ago
So, Emotions need to be manipulated
Or
Emotions need to be put aside (to an extent) for the sake of betterment.
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u/DaanishKaul 1d ago
Manipulating praise. As adults, these children find it difficult to say “no” to other people's praise and requests.
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u/zeppanon 1d ago
I was just told I was shit at whatever I was doing no matter how I was doing it... hmm
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u/bendbars_liftgates 1d ago
Oh shit, that's what my mom was trying to do when she inadvertently taught me to never do things I don't enjoy doing well.
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u/peterbparker86 1d ago
My mum would say I was the best at making cups of tea, and that she couldn't drink anyone else's. Crafty old woman!
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u/OptimizedPockets 1d ago
Same idea, but buy your kid a chef hat and a recipe book and you can even start the behavior proactively, rather than just reactively.
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u/notworldauthor 1d ago
Oh now I know why my mom kept saying "you sure know how to stuff a dishwasher!"
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u/MondaysMakeMeManic 1d ago
This is great but what happens if they do it wrong? Hard to believe you’re the best at something when you keep getting notes on how to improve
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u/snowfurtherquestions 1d ago
"I love how you're not giving up" "I am so impressed by how much you've already improved"
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u/Suqqmynutzluzer 1d ago
I grew up on a farm back in the 70's Every summer my older sister and I would assist the neighbor bailing hay. I would stack the bales on the wagon as my sister would use a bailiing hook to pull them off the bailer and send it my way to stack.
The old man farmer driving the tractor would tell others my sister was the "best damn hooker" in the county.
To this day 45 years later she still holds that title
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u/WillingLLM 1d ago
This works for about 4 minutes till the kid realizes work sucks..... Not to suggest praising them isn't healthy.
- was a kid - and has two kids.
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u/Reddit_Reader007 1d ago
how would the kid know work sucks. . .. they have no point of reference
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u/WillingLLM 1d ago
I didn't say get a 9-5 job, genius.
Kids know that work is not the same as playing.
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u/Reddit_Reader007 1d ago
you didn't say anything that made sense, genius.
how would kids know that work is not the same as playing. . .for the second time, they have no point of reference
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u/imherecuzihatemyself 1d ago
Omg did my burgers actually kick ass or did they just like that I'd cook burgers everytime. I mean they had to be good right? I cooked them everytime after the fact. Fuck everyone's dead and I can't confirm this information.
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u/irohiroh 1d ago
Oh yes. I never do household chores at home, but I do them when I lived alone. Growing up, all I got were insults upon insults upon insults so one day, around high school, I just gave up because there's no point in trying lol.
But weirdly when I lived alone, I'm quite a clean freak.
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u/Luci-Noir 1d ago
My lazy, piece of shit stepdad tried to make me till some land for a garden. It was on a hill, full of rocks, and had never been touched. I was only 100 pounds and that thing pulled me around so much that it was actually painful. Eventually, I had to let go of it and it tipped over and caught on fire. It was the most beautiful bonfire I’d ever seen.
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u/384736273 1d ago
I ‘race’ my kids at cleanup and they always win. And it always shocks me. Shocks me I say!
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u/ashessnow 1d ago
My mom did this thing where she would only let me vacuum like, the rug in the living room. Then said I could do the rug and the hallway. And then the rug, hallway and entrance.
It wasn’t until years later that I realized what she was doing.
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u/yeehowdydonuts 1d ago
Me realizing I wasn't just a 'natural talent' at whipping cream at family functions as a kid
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u/jawshoeaw 1d ago
Huh I can whip around a stripper pole pretty good. I have a lot of questions now for my dad.
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u/Smooth-Lengthiness57 1d ago
My wife does this to me too. As of now I make the best wings, I'm the best shoveler, and the absolute best at folding towels
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u/ArCKAngel365 1d ago
Yea but have you tried teaching your children finances by belittling their every effort and emotionally abusing them for their entire childhood so that they need to be financially independent enough to afford copious amounts of therapy as an adult?
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u/HungryMoon 1d ago
Idk man, in my experience if you're good at something you're expected to do more. Suck at what you do and you won't be asked again.
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u/Josselin17 1d ago
tricking the child into being happy and helpful by complimenting them and being a good parent, such a devious plan
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u/the_owl_syndicate 1d ago
How else do you think I convince 23 five year olds to sit criss cross on the carpet with their hands in their laps? I tell them they are awesome. As far as my students are concerned, they are the best kinder to ever kinder.
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u/Pale-Leek-1013 7h ago
the inverse is paris hiltons advice: if someone asks you to do something you dont want to do, do it so badly theyll never ask you to do it again
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u/hollowwollo 1d ago
Behold, Positive reinforcement
Something my parents never did