Transcript of News Conference, March 22, 2025, 11 am (parody)

[u/ayatoilet]

(Ministry of Foreign Affairs Iran communication office)

Thank you for joining me today for our first briefing at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs as Iran forms a new transition government.

Three months ago, who would have known that a vigilante killer in New York of a healthcare CEO would have inspired thousands of Iranians to pursue vigilante killings of Mullahs across the country to a point where the theocracy became so scared and the mass exodus of Mullahs from Iran – with the probability of even more killings growing exponentially. With this exodus, we have witnessed the government's mass resignation and interim new government; Iran can now be put on a path to full secular, free, and fair elections and a new democratic pathway - not just Iran but the whole region.

We are hereby removing the Islamic Republic designation from our international references and will formally request that the United Nations recognize this change.

To our neighbors, this interim government has the following general message: We see our long-term objective as not simply transforming Iran but also unifying the region and creating a common market and a larger interwoven community in Asia, i.e., changing the area.

Afghanistan - you have always been our brethren and have become a puppet of significant power plays in the Regions and paid a considerable price. Iran is now on a new trajectory and will not support the existence of a fanatic theocracy next to us. Taliban are so bad; they’ve made our Mullahs look good. Iran will not support the oppression of Afghan women and the suppression of democratic rights next door. You are on notice. We will be studying what actions to take.

Pakistan - similarly - we have a deep friendship and historical ties. We want to help Pakistan prosper and, at the same time, like Afghanistan, rid our neighborhood of fanaticism. These henna-colored bearded mobs of crazy fanatics need significant re-education. And the use of Baluchistan as a point of attack needs to end. In the long run, we aim to create a common market and a larger shared community so separatist groups like the Balochis can exist within a more significant economic and political context.

To UAE, Qatar, Bahrain, and our other Persian Gulf neighbors. It wasn’t that long ago that you were part of Iran (until, like Afghanistan), Brits engineered you splintering off. Then, they engineered 40 years of Iranian containment and sanctions to propel your economic growth, mainly at the expense of Iran. It's time for this to change. We can be good neighbors, share resources, and help each other prosper, provided everyone has good faith and wants win-win outcomes. It cannot be that, for example, all regional air or marine traffic evades Iran or gas is extracted from shared fields with no accountability.

We are proud of our millennial links with Iraq—the vast number of Iranian pilgrims to Iraq’s shrines is a small example of our shared religious, cultural, and historical heritage. We want this relationship to continue to prosper.

Similarly, we are proud of our millennial links with Turkey. There is no reason why our relationship cannot continue to prosper. We hope to unite to create a larger nation union that shares our history and heritage and becomes a new force in transforming the region.

To our Armenian neighbors, we will always be robust and reliable neighbors and support regional peace and prosperity.

As for Azerbaijan, we want to have a healthy, balanced relationship – which does not involve support for separatism for Azeris in Iran or undermine Iranian national security in any way. Since we intend to promote democracy and freedom not only In Iran but the whole region, your British-backed dictator and his historical support for separatists in Iran do not sit well with us. We will be monitoring this relationship and actions precipitated by Azerbaijan very carefully.

To other neighbors: collectively, the Stans. Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan. Our long-term objective is to create a regional union, and we look forward to promoting the conditions to make that happen. Given how long and complex it has been to bring democracy and freedom to Iran, we believe that one condition for further integration, investment, and unification will be the establishment of democracy and freedom in the whole region.

In a larger context, historically, Iran has two enduring enemies: Russia and the UK! And Israel is now emerging as a close third.

Iranians can’t forget that in the past 200 years or so, Russians took over almost 1 million square kilometers of Iranian territory. (33,500 sq km in Azerbaijan, 11500 sq km in Armenia, 70,000 sq km in Georgia, 190,000 sq km in Turkmenistan, 450,000 sq km in Uzbekistan, 55,000 sq km in Tajikistan, and 77,000 sq km in Kyrgyzstan). And Russia has imperial ambitions that it cannot shake loose – no matter who is in power in Moscow. And Iran (and Iranians) have been a victim. Time after time, Russians have proven that they are poor allies and, for example, recently, “betrayed” Syria.

Similarly, Britain engineered the territorial separation of 1.5 million square kilometers of Iran. (The separation of Afghanistan, 653,000 sq km; the Emirates, 32,000 sq km; Qatar, 11,500 sq km; and Bahrain, 800 sq km; and significant parts of Pakistan, 770,000 sq km.) But more importantly, they undermined Iranian democracy three times over the past one hundred years. And engineered or stole (there is no other word for it) Iranian oil without proper payments or audited records for the people of Iran. And when Iran would not renew its consortium oil contract with the West, it engineered the rise of the mullahs and brought decades of darkness to Iran. Decades of sanctions and containment have impoverished Iran. Iranians have nothing but goodwill towards Britain with a shared interest in British sports and culture, yet Britain has been in an almost 200-year unilateral war against Iran. This must change. If it doesn’t, I really wouldn’t be surprised if a host of vigilante killings of British subjects starts happening in the region – forcing Britain to shut down embassies, consulates, banks, oil service companies, etc. Why can’t Brits pick on someone else and shift away from hurting Iran and Iranians? Why must British prosperity depend on the destruction of Iran?

To Israel, we simply don’t get it. What have ordinary Iranians done to Jews that has led to this level of anti-Iranian activity by Israel? Iranians freed Jews from slavery. Jews settled en masse in Iran after freedom. Iranians welcomed Jews as refugees during the Second World War. Iranians sold oil to Israel during the Yom Kippur War when Israel was being sanctioned. Yet, Israel has been funding separatist movements around Iran – from Kurds to Azeris, to Baluchis… and is hell-bent on the destruction of Iran. This is not a recipe for enduring friendship and relations – which is what Iran’s new government wants with Israel.

And finally, to the US. Although there is plenty of footage of Iranians burning US flags and shouting anti-American slogans, Americans (we hope) are wise enough to know that these were staged events aimed at separating the two nations from each other. It now turns out that the hostage crisis was a US-sponsored event by Reagan’s campaign. Everything that separates Iran from the US is a positive outcome for both Iran and the US’s enemies. The US has been deceived time and time again by its allies and has not been a source for the direct territorial loss or destruction of Iran. The US is Iran’s most natural ally.

Excuse me, I have a message coming through. There has been an incursion of Iran’s border near Marivan. A combined force of Israeli, Kurdish, and MEK fighters has penetrated Iran – right in the middle of this transition! I must interrupt our communique … we must figure out our immediate diplomatic options. I would plead that everyone allows this government to stabilize. The last time this happened – when Saddam Hussein invaded Iran – it didn’t turn out well for everyone. The whole country rallied around the new government. The new government has not disbanded the military or defense forces. Iran will prepare a response and, if necessary, target Tel Aviv or Haifa directly.