r/datingadvice • u/dohi_elohi • 1d ago
i am f38, dating m42 who is wonderful, everything is really great except one thing, can you advise?
all the dates the past month or so have been great. i'm not even infatuated, and the reason is because somehow i've been able to keep my boundary to not to go all the way, because i know it will cause me to have limerence. i always get very attached after sex and i'm done with that. now there is a 2nd reason (other than emotional attachment too soon) which is that he admitted he is a highly functioning alcoholic. i appreciate his self-awareness and willingness to be forthright. i'm re-establishing myself after a long-term domestic partnership, have already had a rebound, and just looking very passively for the "one." and so, ive been just trying to chill and have fun with this guy, and so far so good. he talks about drinking a lot at home alone between our dates, but it hasn't directly affected us because he is so good at the high-functioning part and it's still all too new. my next move is to simply state i need him to show signs of controlling the drinking / quitting altogether / going to rehab, otherwise i cant proceed to a deeper place in the relationship. but then what even is it if we arent pursuing things deeply? even if very slowly? i really think he's great. he treats me like a queen, pushes the dates forward, takes me to cool things, i feel super calm around him, he can cook well, travels the world, and has plenty of income to live a lavish life and isn't like smug or haughty about it. just seems he worked hard, did well, and wants to share it with someone. i totally see a long-term future potential already, if the alcohol thing wasn't a thing. should i "run for the hills"? or try to give him a chance and risk getting caught up in my emotions sooner than later? because eventually im going to want to have sex, i can't hold out forever. not sure what to do with this one. and i dont want to dangle having sex with me as a way to get him to stop drinking, but that's kind of the thing rolling around in my head.
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u/realitystreet 18h ago
Thanks for the share, I found your other version in the alcoholism subreddit. Your story really spoke to me, because I’m that guy. I’m an alcoholic in recovery, 15 months sober now. My long time non-alcoholic gf would tell me how much my drinking worried her, and could I please stop so we could be together, she would buy me books on recovery, sometimes would get cross and kick me out. At the time none of that mattered and I really didn’t care, and I’d usually get angry and withdraw. Alcoholics hate being reminded that they are alcoholics. They already know that. If you are not an alcoholic yourself, you can’t understand the mind of an alcoholic. I’m not saying your man is an alcoholic necessarily, but if he can’t stop or control it when he actually wants to, or he drinks more than he intends to on a regular basis, he might be an alcoholic. If he is truly an alcoholic like me, he will have to stop drinking for himself. He won’t do it to save your relationship, his job, or money. He has to want to stop drinking to restore his sanity. Alcoholism is a baffling and complicated condition. I know, it’s a tough kick. I was high-functioning until I wasn’t. Hard to explain unless you’ve been there. A couple things you could try: next time you go out on a date, don’t drink. If he asks why, just say you don’t feel like it, you’d rather process reality sober. If he knows you are worried about his drinking already, telling him again or making an ultimatum won’t matter. You could check out the Al-Anon sub or a meeting as well. I needed the help of another alcoholic to finally quit. I found that in AA. Good luck and be safe! I hope things work out. Let me know if you have any questions.
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