r/dating_advice • u/HazetheGaze • 1d ago
I'm starting to get insecure about my race in terms of dating
I'm starting to get insecure about my race in terms of dating: I'm a 20 almost 21 year old black male with absolutely no dating experience. At first I really didn't think race was that big of a deal, but I've been looking at data and it's showing black males are the least responded to or rank very low to all women except black women on dating apps, most people prefer their own race I live in a place where it's 90% white. I can't get a single like across ALL dating apps, I got very minimal attention from the opposite sex during school, and none now unless they're coworkers or family. Despite how tough it is to live on your own, especially in a new location, do I just move to a city to raise my chances just to have a higher chance of not being alone? Goodnight
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u/BendersDafodil 1d ago
Well, like they say, concern yourself with things you can change about you and ignore the ones you have no control or choice over.
Things you can change: attitude, character, outlook, routine etc.
Some people will still not date you because of your race, skin tone, height, weight, religion or character. That's OK and their prerogative. Just keep looking for those that dig your whole package.
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u/Low_Union_7178 1d ago edited 23h ago
Which data is that?
Black guys can kill it with women, if they are attractive. Dating these days and especially dating apps are just ridiculous. It's not your face. I'm 33M white with a strong jaw line and full beard, 6'2 better than average looking, in shape and with a really good career and I barely get any matches. Trust me it's hurt my confidence.
If I go out into the real world and try, I get women it's simple. If I sit around on apps I feel totally undesired by the opposite sex.
TLDR: abandon dating apps
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u/HazetheGaze 1d ago
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u/Low_Union_7178 23h ago
Stop looking at studies. If you are attractive,you can get women. If you aren't getting any women even black women then that suggests race is not your issue.
Your issue is insecurity. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.
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u/KiwiandCream 1d ago
I think you are right, most people tend to go within their own kind - same religion, same cultural background, similar age bracket. That way there’s immediately familiarity and something in common.
Exceptions happen a lot though as well, so there’s definitely hope even when you’re in a minority of any kind.
That being said, sometimes for people to date outside their habitual zone I think they may need to see something extra. For example, if they are dating an average person they may as well choose someone within their own circle because that’s easy. To go outside their own circle, they may need that person to be extra in something - like really fun, or really good looking, or really smart.
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u/LiKwidSwordZA 1d ago
Are you in college or working
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u/HazetheGaze 1d ago
Working
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u/LiKwidSwordZA 1d ago
Idk if it’s your race but if you’re not in college, you’re just going to have a hard time meeting girls. I didn’t have a problem getting girls in high school but I only went to jr college where you don’t really interact with anyone and didn’t get another gf for a few years after that. Then when I turned 25 I started getting a ton of matches on the apps. Early 20s just suck for dudes unless you’re in college going to college or work in a job with a lot of girls your age
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u/HazetheGaze 1d ago
Only 1 girl showed interest in me during school and that was back in 2021. I graduated in 2023
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u/LiKwidSwordZA 1d ago
It will get better in time. In terms of the race thing in dating, I probably wouldn’t want to live in a 90% white place regardless of how many girls I was getting so if it’s possible I’d move
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u/subarashi-sam 1d ago
Dating apps are poison.
Why?
Because the incentive structure embedded in the system is designed to further the app developers’ goals (profitability, user growth and engagement), rather than the users’ goals (finding a compatible partner, social validation, entertainment, etc).
The dating apps are designed to keep people coming back. Happy people that find a successful, meaningful, lasting relationship, tend to delete their dating apps.
So the app developers are naturally incentivized to keep that from happening. Keep people thirsty for sex, love, meaningful connection… whatever it is people want most, yet lack… whatever the users’ fears, desires, anxieties, traumas, etc are, will be subtly weaponized against them by the apps.
Get good at starting casual conversations irl with people you vibe with, whenever the opportunity arises. Never go in with the “please love me” energy, just “here’s someone who seems fun, let’s chat and flirt a bit and see what happens”.
And yes, sadly you may have to figure out how to move somewhere less racist, unless you gain the uncanny ability to talk large groups of people out of deeply-entrenched prejudices. (Or fear of social ostracism by those who are first-degree racists. I call this second-degree racism.)
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u/buttercup612 22h ago
You’re asking if you should “move to a city.” What kind of place do you live in now? That’ll affect your chances more than your race. Saying this as an Indian man ever aware of how discriminated against we are in the dating world. There are cool people who will date you, but not if you live in Hicksville AL population 500 or even Boringsburg PA pop 65,000
Population density is the #1 factor affecting success on dating apps
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u/LostSoul3989 21h ago
Technically not true, I am south Asian that moved to US almost 10 years ago, and let me tell you South Asian are considered the most unattractive for most of the women. However, I have done decent with all races of women, over the course of years, I had struggled in my early 20s because I wasn't in great shape and hygiene wasn't that great either, but fixing those issue changed my luck in dating. Try doing the same and I think you will be alright.
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u/HazetheGaze 18h ago
I'm in excellent shape and my hygiene is good too. Saying I struggle with women is an understatement
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u/Ok-Cartographer-7111 18h ago
You gotta put in more reps, talk with more women IRL. In dating app, make sure you have some good pictures, if u r in university, u can hire some photographers as cheap as $20-$50 which is worth the investment, also have variety in pictures, and there will be a lot of rejections but with time & practice you will get better.
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u/HazetheGaze 18h ago
You can get better with dating because women either find you attractive or they don't
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u/hiker_mittens 1d ago
Homie. I wouldn't care if you were purple. It's people, not you. I bet you're an amazing dude. There is systemic racism is dating though. But don't let that get you down. Just gotta find your people. Hell I'm wonder read white still looking for my people. You got this dude.
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u/janyybek 22h ago edited 20h ago
Bruh try being Asian.
But on a serious note, often we get so bogged down with statistics that we forget something. You’re not trying to date the entire female population.
Think of all your dealbreakers and preferences and think of how many people you exclude. I’m totally making this up but if 82% of white women wouldn’t date you because of your race, and simultaneously you don’t date fat women, and 70% of white women are fat, then while you’re mourning the loss of those 82% of white women you don’t realize most of them are women you wouldn’t have dated anyway.
I think dating starts with a deep understanding of yourself and then understanding the women in front to you that you meet. Sure macro statistics and trends can help optimize where you should go to meet them but they don’t play out in the real world the way you think. Dating isnt a centralized efficient market. It’s a bunch of scattered auctions with completely different pricing. You could be an absolute chad in one group and a total loser in another one. Find yourself and then find your target audience.
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