r/dating_advice • u/procastinator_promax • 1d ago
Started having casual sex after breakup, regret it
I’ve(24F) been on and off with B(24F) for 2+ years now. We deeply love each other, but things like mental health, long distance and life circumstances caused us to break 2 times during these 2 years. Until recently, she was the only person I’ve been with. I’m also bi sexual.
B broke up with me in early November, and it was really messy and left me feeling extremely hurt. I wasn’t sure she ever wanted anything to do with me. In a bid to try to get over her, and to boost my self esteem (I struggle with really low self worth, am in therapy for it), I made an hinge account.
One day, after a party at my place, I was very drunk and high and lonely and decided to invite a totally random guy to my place to hookup. We did it and afterwards he left. I felt extreme guilt and shame in the morning when I was clear headed and decided that hookups weren’t for me. Two weeks after that, I was similarly drunk and high, and ended up inviting a random guy again to hook up, felt the same shame and guilt and self hatred the moment u was clear headed.
Yesterday, I was hanging out with a friend, and we were drinking and getting high and watching a movie. He started to make a move on me, and despite the fact that I am not attracted to him at all and had no desire to do anything with him, I didn’t stop him. I let him take off his and my clothes and then I guess I finally make to my senses and stopped him and made him swear to never tell anyone because i felt extremely shitty about it and didn’t know how to deal. I promptly left his place but the event and the shame and guilt are still going through my head.
B reached out to me about a week ago and said she wanted to be my friend and that she wants to eventually be with me, but she doesn’t feel ready yet.
I just feel like an incredibly shitty human. I am feeling so much shame and self loathing about these random hookups that I didn’t even enjoy, and know that I never want to do again. But I knew that after the first time, then why did I do it again? Why didn’t i stop my friend the moment he started hitting on me? Does this all make me a horrible person? And should I tell B about all this? It wasn’t cheating because we weren’t together, but I still feel like I betrayed her somehow. If I should tell her, how should I go about it?
My head is spinning and I would appreciate any advice you guys have.
312
u/Havok8907 1d ago
Maybe you should stop drinking and getting high? Seems to be like you make bad decisions when you’re under the influence.
49
u/procastinator_promax 1d ago
Yes I agree. After reading all the comments I’ve decided to lay off any kind of substance for atleast 6 months and work on myself in the mean time. I’ve been hitting the gym on and off, I’ll start doing it regularly. Thank you so much.
5
u/sulky_banjo 23h ago
Suggestion if you’re in the states - look up “the Phoenix” and see if they have any events in your area! I decided to get sober about a month ago and started going to meetings and someone there invited me to a phoenix event (rock climbing). Now I have a new favorite hobby that I can do for free at least once a week, and a sober community to do it with!
1
u/procastinator_promax 20h ago
I’m not in the states unfortunately, but i am planning on picking up sports to help me. There are tennis classes near me and I’ll be joining them.
6
110
u/Ok_Proposal_888 1d ago
She’s getting blasted on alcohol and can’t figure out why she’s making bad decisions
19
u/procastinator_promax 1d ago
Yeah, honestly this makes sense. Your comment is a little harsh, but I admit it’s true that I need to start laying off alcohol and start taking responsibility for myself. Thank you
1
u/Ok_Proposal_888 20h ago
If it took a Reddit thread to figure this out I truly wish you the best of luck
•
1
0
-5
34
u/SnooFloofs1778 1d ago
Drug and alcohol addiction is not a good sign.
Stop that and you will have more control over your life.
5
3
u/procastinator_promax 1d ago
Yeah, the comments here have made me realise I have a problem with pot and alcohol. I am going to start improving by going sober for 6 months starting today. Thank you.
2
u/SnooFloofs1778 21h ago
It’s really hard to stop, but once you do you’ll be way happier. About 6 weeks after stopping you’ll start to feel better.
Vigorous Exercise helps the most.
1
u/procastinator_promax 20h ago
Yeah, I’ll start focusing on physical activities to try to substitute the unhealthy behaviours I’ve been engaging in. It’s going to be hard, but at this point I owe it myself.
1
u/SnooFloofs1778 20h ago
Do anything, do some push ups and run around the block. No need for gym membership or anything.
You do want slight pain, because that is what causes your body to produce dopamine and get over drug addictions.
You know like a runner high?
Start slow, you can do it.
38
u/lsnor45 1d ago
Validation is a hell of a thing. We all crave it in a myriad of ways, including and especially sexual attention from the opposite sex. You're not a bad person, you're just a human. You stopped your friend before it went too far. You're okay. Stop getting drunk and high for a while, and you don't have to tell B.
9
u/procastinator_promax 1d ago
Thank you so much for being kind. I am going to take the advice in the comments and go sober. I think validation is a big part of why I have been acting the way I did. I really don’t want to continue down this path, so I’ll start working on myself and my need for validation. Hopefully I can find healthier ways to validate myself. Again thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind comment.
8
u/sunshine_tequila 1d ago
I use pot, I’m not judging you. But if you only make these ‘bad’ decisions when getting drunk and high, maybe you need to stop doing those things if you are unable to limit your consumption to a reasonable level?
My ex was a great wife. So caring and thoughtful. But she made terrible choices when she got drunk. She cheated on a vacation, and upon getting wasted would use street drugs if offered. Sober she would neverrrr do anything like that. She too felt immense shame about her decisions. She decided to get California sober and it changed her life.
I would hate for you to end up pregnant or with an STI or get assaulted because of the substances and some idiot disregarding your No. Be kind to yourself ❤️
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
Thank you. I am going to try to be kind to myself. I’ve also decided to be sober for 6 months to take care of myself.
17
u/GoldenPingPong 1d ago
You should probably tell B eventually, but when, that’s for you to figure out because you know your relationship with them best.
As for the hooking up with random strangers and feeling bad about it, I think it’s something a lot of people do. Before I was diagnosed as bipolar, I would go and hook up every single night of the week. The sad part is I would be thinking “I don’t wanna do it, but I’m already here.” And just let it happen and try to just get it over with as quick as possible. Then I’d go home, cry, and do it the next day again.
I only really stopped when I finally got medicated, learned it was a common symptom for my manic self, and settled down with my very kind man.
I hope one day you can learn to accept what you’ve done and move on. It’s hard at first, but we all do things we aren’t proud of. We just have to learn to forgive ourselves and know we did it for one reason or another- even if it’s a bad reason.
Also, your friend sounds like they may not be your friend if they’re taking advantage of you while you’re drunk and high.
9
u/Acceptablepops 1d ago
She should leave her ex alone , that on and off shit just sticks you into shitty romantic patterns
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
Honestly it has really messed with me, but it’s been really hard to let go, especially because I feel like I love her deeply and she tells me she feels the same way. I forgive and forget all the hurt she caused me the moment she apologises and tells me that she loves me. I really want to let go of her this time, but I just can’t figure out how.
1
u/Timosox 1d ago
I would go and hook up every single night of the week.
Legitimately, how do you do this?
1
u/GoldenPingPong 20h ago
Lol, I had the main dating apps downloaded and when you’re a woman, it’s a lot easier to get matches. Guys also tend to be faster at responding/meeting up when they get a vibe there’s sex on the table.
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
I can’t change what happened no matter how much I want to, so I’ll work on accepting that I made a mistake and forgiving myself. I’ve atleast learnt that I have a lot of work to do on my self worth and self respect, and I hope I can be kind to myself and learn to not repeat this mistake again. I’ll also tell B whenever I see her next and let her decide what she wants. I think I’ll hate myself even more if I’m not truthful to her, I’ll keep feeling like I am betraying her.
I’m really happy for you, congrats on finding happiness!
10
u/mpbaker18 1d ago
I’d go no contact with B and prioritize your health by going to the gym. That will all make you feel better. I try to not drink when I feel sad because it has never made me feel better. After this break up, you should take a few weeks off drinking. If I’m sad I’ll just stick with smoking and relaxing.
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
Yeah, I’ve decided to go completely sober for a while while I try to sort myself out.
9
u/Jonesgrieves 1d ago
Broski, casual sex is supposed to be fun. If it’s not fun then stop please. It looks like your drinking and substance use have a lot to do with your mental health. If you’re getting so messed up you feel you can’t control it then maybe take a really close look at yourself and see if you have a substance abuse problem. Drinking is fine as long as you can control it, however, your stories make me think otherwise.
Not stopping a man’s advances is not going to make you a bad person. How could it? At you religious? Strict parents? Where’s all this self loathing coming from? And also why keep being friends with a woman who you’re still feeling things for while she keeps you around “for later”. Wtf, that’s lame and manipulative on her part. Don’t be an orbiter for this lady, just move on. Work on your issues, don’t abuse alcohol and drugs.
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
Yeah, my self loathing comes from strict parents growing up. My mom has legit beaten into me how I’m a horrible person. While I’ve been trying to work on myself, it’s been hard to let go of these negative beliefs about myself I formed when I was a kid. I’ve decided to completely stop consuming any types of substance. I’ll also try to re think my relationship with B. Thank you.
•
u/Jonesgrieves 3h ago
I’m a bit late to reply but you’re welcome. And please know, no baby is born “bad”.
8
u/Hutrookie69 1d ago
The reason you feel this shame is because deep down you value yourself and know your worth more than a dumb hookup. You are a woman who has self respect. You need to get drunk/high and alter your level of consciousness in order to be able to break your value.
You should really consider cutting back from alcohol and drugs if they make you engage in acts that bring dishonour to yourself.
Trust me please. You are not missing out on anything engaging in hookup culture, people who are slaves to their lust will never find fulfillment.
Good luck, Miss.
3
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
Yeah, I’m sure at this point hookups aren’t for me. I’m going to go sober and not engage in any kind of hookup culture going forward.
3
u/bunearii 1d ago
I think you should try to think and be honest with yourself. Did you like it in the moment and feel guilt after? Did you like any part of it? Ego boost, physical feeling, attention, lust, etc? Figure out why you did it again, what you liked about it if anything. A lot of people experience this. Also, I think you should tell B. Not only for sexual health reasons but also because if she is going to get back with you, she should know so she can make an informed decision. Usually when people break up and get back together, the “did you get with anyone else?” talk is a given
•
u/procastinator_promax 19h ago
I don’t think I liked any part of it except maybe seeing that people other than my ex find me physically attractive enough to want to have sex with me. I think the validation and the feeling of being wanted is what made me do it again and what stopped me from saying no. I’ll start working on this in therapy and I Hope i start valuing myself and stop needing external validation.
I’ll tell B when i see her next. It will hurt a lot if she decides to not be with me because of this, but I would really rather not start anything between us based on a lie. Thank you.
•
u/bunearii 17h ago
Very good of you to reflect, I think that’s the aspect most people like in your position. Identifying the issue is the first step, then working on it like you said in therapy, and finding internal validation and valuing yourself.
Tbh, lots of men will fuck anything with a hole, so that validation doesn’t mean much. Real love and commitment, someone wanting to stay with you and by your side through life, no matter what happens? That’s what really matters, and that’s worth a lot.
And it will definitely hurt. But if you don’t tell, it’ll come out eventually. You’ll feel guilty hiding it, and it’ll be an even bigger blowout if she finds out later.
You’re doing the right thing. Wish you all the best 🤍
3
u/SpicyMcCrispy15 1d ago
I would stop with the drugs and alcohol. Seems to be the common denominator in decisions you regret.
2
1
u/megkelfiler6 1d ago
Get sober, it helps. Seriously. Some people just make really bad decisions while drinking. I'm one of them. I have absolutely zero self control and I've hurt a lot of people while drinking. 99% of the time it's fine, but it's those dark times, when I'm emotionally drinking that sends me into the spiral of shame. Drink, do something I don't like/want, feel the shame, drink the shame away, repeat. Focus on healthier ways to cope.
That being said.... Maybe you should rethink your relationship with B. You says she's not ready yet blah blah blah... She's stringing you along. No wonder you're emotionally drinking. This on and off again relationship is messing with your head. You feel zero security with her, never knowing when that door is going to close again. It's not healthy. In the future.... It could be?????? But ONLY if you work on yourself. She's not ready? Tell her you aren't either. Work on yourself. Work on getting sober, at knowing your self worth. You are better than waiting around waiting for someone else to decide you're worth their time again. It's understandable that you feel shame for doing something that you didn't want to do (although you need to give yourself a little grace), but it is NOT understandable that you feel like you are betraying her EX girlfriend. Y'all broke up. You had every right to want to have the comfort of another human beside you. Just next time... Make sure it's a person you feel good about and not a drunken hook up. Oh, and get tested... That's a big one too. Whenever someone is having hook up sex they should definitely be tested.
Give yourself a break dear. Shit happens. You're beating yourself up for doing what a lot of heartbroken people do.... Drink themselves silly and hop in bed with whoever because you're emotionally numb and you just don't care. At least, until the alcohol wears off and then you remember that you do care. Go to therapy, find a hobby that doesn't involve the bottom of a bottle. I'm not going to give you shit about weed (assuming you're not doing something worse), but know that some people cannot handle smoking weed AND drinking. You clearly need to chill on what you're doing.
1
u/NuncaContent 1d ago
A wise man once told me there is as much shame and guilt in our lives as we want to reach out and grab.
Could be you’re grabbing and holding way too much shame and guilt for your own good.
1
u/_Meissa_ 1d ago
I think you should stop getting drunk and high. You shouldn’t make up also with a person not ready, that includes no friendship. Take time to heal, work on yourself. Go to gym, do therapy, hobby etc. Right person will come for you when you expect it less.
1
u/Acceptablepops 1d ago
Yo it happeneds, don’t let it kill you ,take a break and do anything else.
LASTLY DO NOT BE FRIENDS EUTH YOUR EX ,FOCUS ON HEALING ALONE
1
u/MoanALissa32 22h ago
First, you probably shouldn’t drink and get high. It seems like every time you do, you do things you regret.
That said, you might do it (drink and get high) because you know it will break down your inhibitions to be with men.
Regarding telling her. As someone that wants to be with you in the future, would she want to know? If yes, then tell her and make her understand it was a mistake. However, making the mistake three times, sounds like it was purposeful.
•
u/Silent_Fee_806 11h ago
Well if B doesn't want to be with you now she may never be ready but you shouldn't be having casual sex because it is bringing you no joy. You don't owe B an explanation even though you like her. I think you should focus now on maybe getting some counseling to find out why you keep allowing guys to take advantage of you before you get out there and begin dating again?
•
u/Quirky-Alfalfa9361 9h ago
You are not a bad person. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. With an acknowledged low self-worth, it makes sense that substances of other people might seem like an option if temporary relief. And you’ve now gained insight that comes with a negative consequences of not feeling good after. You are human. Finding your way. Give yourself grace, continue to heal, no more beating yourself up, build from the inside instead. Wishing you good things in 2025.
0
u/Ok-Willingness4353 1d ago
Please tell this girl the truth. If I knew my recently broke up ex did hookup I'll never give him another chance no matter how much I like him.
9
u/axel_clot 1d ago
What? Stop trying to guilt her. She doesn’t owe the other person for her to not have sex with other people. The girl broke up with her. She owes her no loyalty, and no apology
6
u/ifonlyiwasnot 1d ago
Probably consider the fact that "b broke it off with op" and now is trying to say she wants to be friends with potential to dating again. Why did B break it off to come back shortly after? My alarm bells are ringing to the tune of maybe she done some experimenting, or liked someone else and that didn't work out the way she planned!
2
0
u/Open_Ad_4741 1d ago
My ex did the same, all it did was show me I was right to dump her ass. Street behavior
0
-1
u/MistaNoGames 23h ago
In the words of Sir Future Hendrix.. "She belongs to the Streets."
Let your ex find his person. Enjoy your life, getting shit face blasting and smash by Chad. I'm tired of the victim hood crap. Let him move on, and if you really love him, you would respect yourself enough to let him fly. You know your not one for him especially after you been getting them cheeks clapped. No way!
0
u/Competitive-Craft123 23h ago
Sounds like you have a substance abuse problem. That is causing you to behave in a way that you are ashamed of. Advice is to get help for this problem as it will likely only get worse if you don't do anything about it. By 30 you will be worth nothing.
-1
u/cdmx_paisa 1d ago
recommend not sleeping with guys you just met in the causal dating stage.
recommend not sleeping with guys you break up with.
-1
u/swansongblue 1d ago
OP. Whether you know it or not, like it or not, you are getting a reputation as an ‘easy lay’ among your friend group. A couple of drinks and you are anybody’s.
If you can’t trust yourself to keep your knickers on after a couple of drinks then maybe you shouldn’t drink. Sort yourself out before you even try to enter a meaningful, committed relationship. Good luck. ❤️
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Welcome to /r/dating_advice!
Please keep the rules of /r/dating_advice in mind while participating here. Try your best to be kind.
Report any rule-breaking behavior to the moderators using the report button. If it's urgent, send us a message. We rely on user reports to find rule-breaking behavior quickly.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.