Is a romantic relationship that feels like it can succeed or fail 50/50, worth it?

[u/Ok_Trifle899]

Me (26) and my gf(21) have been officially dating exclusive for 7 months now, but we knew eachother for 14 months. Now we both never been in relationships before. For me I would say I’ve always been a bachelor type of guy, never taking girls seriously, even those who profess their feelings and show me that they are ride or die for me. I always felt like I was too young to get into something serious.

When I got into a monogamous relationship with my now girlfriend it was for the reason of wanting to gain experience in having a girlfriend, as the bachelor lifestyle isn’t going to always be for me, and I eventually want to settle down. I also aim to be a better man and focus on my career and it’s better to focus when you have one girl than having distractions from having multiple girls.

Now I love my girl and I also feel loved by her. But there are other times when I don’t. I’m usually the kind of guy that focuses on my day to day life, and have a I’ll see you when I see you vibe with people I’m dating, while expecting absolute loyalty. I want my independence but want the feeling that my girl is loyal.

From past relationships in order for me to understand if a girl is “ride or die” it’s a feeling I get when they call me for no reason to get my attention/validation. Or they show me attention, or in person, they get nervous, or act jealous. It’s just a feeling. In my eyes if a girl is chasing you, she’s not gonna betray you. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, it’s a gut feeling.

Now with my girl she’s a very passive person. For 80% of the time, she will wait until I text or call her first, and even recently when I told her I might FaceTime her randomly during the week, her response is “maybe I’ll answer”. For context she’s always been shy to FaceTime because she’s self conscious about herself.

Now my beliefs with woman / people in general are 1. if they want to they would 2. If a woman makes conditions for you she doesn’t like you 3. For every woman, there is a man that can make her go weak for her, that she will oblige to.

In order for me to continue the relationship I feel like I have to have that feeling that she is down for me, and that she has the feeling that I’m the only man in the world for her. But based off our conversations, it seems 50/50 like it can go either way. We could end up together getting married, children, the whole 10 yards. On the other end we could break up. What will be will be.

Now from my understanding in my past relationships (with girls I wasn’t even official with), I’ve had that feeling where it feels like if I asked a girl to marry them they would say yes immediately. With my girlfriend, I’m sure she said she would say no because we are too young. Now I’m not saying I’m ready to get married either, but I think I feel more comfortable having a girl who is head over heels in love with me, than I am with her. Call it narcissistic or whatever you want, but that’s just how I feel. I feel like the whole love and romance part of life is more pressured for women, than men. We have more time to settle down, they don’t.

While I agree with her because I’m usually the one to take things slow in my romantic relationships, from what I believe I learned from women is that they know immediately if they would take a man seriously. If an Ashton Kutcher type or Tom Brady, asked her the same thing would she tell them the same thing, or would she fold?

Now I’m in a predicament where I’m currently unemployed, so I don’t feel fully ready to be in a relationship, and I tried initiating a breakup with my girlfriend for these reasons, and reasons having to do with the 50/50 feeling situation, but she reassures me that she loves me and that she doesn’t want to break up.

I’m in a situation right now where it feels like it could go either way with her, there are a lot of good things about our relationship, but there are also bad. My gut feeling, may be leaning towards the maybe not side, just because of the amount of times I initiated a break up. But me initiating a break up could also be due to me just missing the bachelor lifestyle. One part of me wants to make it work, and for us to be together forever. The other part of me wants to date other women and date someone where it feels more serious. Give your honest opinion. Can a 50/50 relationship turn into one where both of you are 100 percent sure?

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[u/Mindless-Length-4571]

It sounds like you have a fear of rejection and intimacy. I recommend seeing a therapist to unpack this.

I assume these fears exist because there are several mentions of wanting control over her and the relationship. What you are really looking for is a codependent or a people pleaser that won't say no.

If you want to engage in a healthy relationship that is built on trust, you will have to accept that you have no control. She is allowed to say no, she is allowed to leave.

[u/Ok_Trifle899 → u/Mindless-Length-4571]

Can you explain deeper why you came to the conclusion on why you think I have a fear of rejection and intimacy?