r/confidence • u/Sufficient-Ant-3991 • 4d ago
How do you stop being that floater friend
I don't know if people have experienced this before. But I am what you call the popular floater/loner friend. Like I am well known but not popular. Friendly but no one puts me in their inner circle. There's benefits to it. Like I can talk to anyone in class and most people know the role I play so they will play along. They will entertain me and carry on a convo. It just ends where it starts once I walk away. Sometimes I am invited to parties. People seem happy to talk to me and I will be in a pictures that they share later. But no one will ever follow up behind it.
One time I got so drunk that I went to the club and started a dance party. Everyone in my class seem to like it. I remember people smiling and dancing along. They even posted me in the group chat. No one and I mean no one talked about it in class except for a few people.
After that, I stop hanging out as much. No ever ask why I don't go out anymore. Tbh, they acted like this before i got drunk so its not surprising. Lol everyone forgot my birthday and when someone found out through snapchat. People scramble to post in the chat that it was my birthday and some people tried to buy me cupcakes. I question all of it because after my birthday was over. People no longer reached out.
So thats a snapshot of my life. How do I fix it?
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u/battab09 4d ago edited 4d ago
Echoing what others have said - it took me a while to realize I had to actively put in the work to cultivate and deepen the relationships I had with people. People tend to be caught up within their own lives and default to hanging out with people that are already in their inner circle. If you want to have that inner circle of your own you need to choose the people you know that you want to have that closer relationship with and make an effort to hang out with them more.
This may sound crazy and a little bit awkward but I’ve genuinely had success just straight up telling people that I already had a baseline friendship with, “Hey we should hang out more I really want to have a closer friendship with you.” You sound like you already have a network to operate from and if they feel positively about you, which it sounds like they do, they will be receptive to this. Almost nobody, unless they’re just a bad person, that has a positive impression of you is going to reject an offer to be your friend. Even being a little more vulnerable and expressing what you’ve written here that you’re struggling not having any close friends will probably go a long way. I know it would with me if someone that I liked said that to me.
You just gotta have the confidence to put yourself out there.
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4d ago
Honestly, I grew up the same way and never really saw it as something to “fix”, it seems like most people like you which means your relatively sociable,
If what you want is an inner circle then it’s abt cultivating one, most friend groups spring from a shared interest/hobby/circumstance. It can start as simply as sitting at lunch with a random group for the first time.
I also personally don’t take people forgetting your bday as anything more than what it is, the truth is most people are too caught up in their own life, (just like we are). It also still sounds like someone tried making it up for you for by getting cupcakes, which is sweet imo who cares if they initially forgot, no one owes u anything.
And you say that no one reaches out but how often do you reach out to people to be a friend ?
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u/Ok-Blackberry-3926 4d ago
It’s taken me YEARS to learn that if you want a decent birthday you need to advocate for yourself a bit. Sure, some people sometimes will be super sweet and thoughtful but this is not the default of the general population.
I started having nice birthdays when I started becoming a “squeaky wheel” one year. And it was really nice, everyone was receptive.
Legit just be excited about your own birthday and give people a heads up that you’d like to do something fun and start inviting people. Or maybe you have a best friend you can confide in that you’d like help planning something.
Lastly, make a concerted effort to remember other people’s birthdays. It means a lot to people because most people don’t remember.
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u/_oatm1lk_ 4d ago
Get curious about other people & yourself. Ask Questions!This opens up avenues for connection. Emotions, hobbies, personalities, etc etc. Read more. Get in touch with your emotions. (For example, consider what emotion/s prompted you to write this)
But also—real connection is genuine & spontaneous! Don’t sweat it, it will happen when it’s right :) As long as we open doors for each other, people naturally come together.
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u/CosbysLongCon24 3d ago
Sometimes if you try to hard to be everyone’s friend, you end up being no one’s friend..are you your genuine self or just the version of yourself you think people will dislike the least? I’ve been guilty of that in many circles
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u/Deep-Potential-5248 4d ago
I sort of had this to when I was younger. When I was like 18, I was massively popular and everyone knew me as this funny, cool guy. I got women, yadda yadda. But one day I just realized when I was out that I'm bouncing from group to group, but don't actually have a core group. And at the end of the night I had no way home and had to walk. I just felt known but not appreciated.
Then I got a little older, stopped caring about being some popular guy. I guess in my 20s I just settled in with some friends and slowly a group formed.
In your case, sounds like you just have to find the right people. I'm 26 now and more than happy.
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u/ThinkEar2333 3d ago
You can be confident and happy without having to change yourself drastically. For me I deepened relationships with a few close friends and generally only pursued romantic interests where I could see things becoming serious long term, so the relationship allows a wider range of social engagements. When I have found myself to be single I do sometimes feel as if I'm more lonely but also more productive towards self growth because I have more time to operate in deep focus. You are probably a social ambivert whereas a lot of people identify distinctively as either introverted or extroverted. Your experience sounds very similar to my own and I would say that I have found a lot of balance and happiness by deeply engaging in hobbies which allow me to do things on my own and doing my best to practice extroverted behaviors in work or education settings.
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u/Ok_Permission8284 2d ago
You wanna hear the sad truth… some people are meant to not have any friends. It’s sad, but it’s true.
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u/West_Search1943 2d ago
Have a priority, filter out and prioritise a few over the others. Don't be mean to others or something, just have a priority list... It won't work at once you will have to try multiple times with different approaches and with different people.
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u/Background-Union-859 2d ago
I’m in the same boat. I’m in a few friend groups on the outskirts but not on the inner circles. It def gets lonely
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u/plztryagain2 2d ago
I grew up the same and agree with others - find a person or two you really feel comfortable with and can spend a lot of time with (or think there’s a possibility you may get there) and deepen those relationships.
Easier said than done. It takes intimacy and you’ll be vulnerable sharing things about yourself but being vulnerable and reciprocating with those few people will be well worth it.
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u/lordbrooklyn56 2d ago
You need to make an effort to hang with the same people. Over and over again. Till you become a part of them and they to you.
If you just keep floating around and happenstance is the only reason people talk to you, then you’ll stay a floater
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u/overweighttardigrade 1d ago
Your job isn't to make everyone happy, your job is for you to make you happy and work on being a better version of yourself, not others version of you
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u/EtherealVenereal 1d ago
I think you have to stop assuming the world is waiting for you to take action. Be more involved with people and they’ll call on you. If they’re carrying the convo, pick it up a bit.
You’re a floater cause you want to be, let go of the pros of floating if you want to be included
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u/Sufficient-Ant-3991 1d ago
So are you saying I should take more action. Like ask people to hang out. Tell me I want to see them etc
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u/EtherealVenereal 23h ago
Absolutely. Within reason. People can’t read your mind and like how you’d like to be asked to an outing, same goes for the next person.
Don’t let fear hold you back. If you look silly, it’ll pass. If you have a bad experience, it’s a story. If it’s good, then you’re great.
Shit man, I’ve even said “I’m breaking out of this shell, let’s do something”. You can make light of your insecurities and turn them into talking points. Just have fun with it. Being social can be stressful, but it doesn’t have to be.
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u/Mrobot_3 1d ago
“No one and I mean no one talked about it in class except for a few people” the few apparently aren’t popular enough for this person. This could be a slippery slope friend. Sounds like you’re craving attention from certain/more people. Don’t be thirsty for it.
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u/Sufficient-Ant-3991 1d ago
It's complicated. I'm not thirsty by no means but I just don't get the game. Like the people that noticed it were ironically the most popular people. I want to be friends with them not because their popular but I notice we have good chemistry.
However since they are popular, they juggle everyone and I feel wierd asking for more of their time. So I fall back on trying to hang out with others who I don't have alot of chemistry with.
Idk if I need to be more transparent with the popular ones or not
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u/Full-Customer-4132 12h ago
Echoing what others have said, but yea insert yourself more in social situations and make more of an effort to be with people you wanna hang around with or who you can see as good long term friends.
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u/Sufficient-Ant-3991 6h ago
When you say effort, can you explain that? I never insert myself as much not because of rejection. But growing up, I was told not be needy and desperate.
So I have this wierd fear that I'm going to be desperate
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u/Justice-85 9h ago
That's the story of my life, I am now 39. Being the floater was pretty great and has helped me in many aspects of my life. Having the ability to have conversations with people from all walks of life is great. Cherish it and utilize it, when I was younger it did feel as if I wasn't important but that will pass. As you get older and start building a career, the people from your past fade away. You'll meet so many people in life that will make you feel important!
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u/TheRandomChillStoner 5h ago
Everyone in life’s busy and the older you get the more you realize we’ve all got so much going on it’s honestly kinda jaded to think in the way you’re describing. In that it’s pretty self centered you’re so concerned what these other people think or if they’re talking about you… you gotta drop that mindset that’s where true confidence comes from when you don’t worry about if people will like you or talk about something you did, you should do stuff for you not how you perceive other people will perceive it
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u/69moonbaby69 4d ago
Find a friend you really like/feel comfortable with and excited to hang around and put in some effort as well! It’s nice to be well liked by most people but having a group of friends is so rewarding. Text people individually, follow up on conversations you’ve had in class, make plans!! It might be scary at first but before you know it you’ll have a best friend of even a friend group!