r/colbertreport • u/scottspjut • Dec 22 '14
To our dearest, The Reverend Sir Doctor Sen. Stephen T. Mos Def Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World** La Premiere Dame De France:
Two weeks from now — after the chaos of the holidays has settled down, and you battle with the implications of your newfound immortality — I imagine you'll find yourself on Reddit, despite it being "not as useful as it used to be.” Perhaps you’ll wander over to /r/ColbertReport and the vapid wasteland it will have become — void of any new information, insightful discussions, or humanity.
In other words, a younger-skewing Fox News.
And despite the desolation, you’ll see this note. And you’ll realize what you’ve done.
This is America, goddamn it. And we aren’t about to be deprived of the Truthiness that makes this country The Greatest Country on the Face of the EarthTM. You may think The Colbert Report is over, but it’s just begun — as much as anything that’s a decade old can “begun.”
It’s time for a surge. A surge into the guts of the American People — where we’ll likely discover how deficient we are all in fiber. We’ll spread that gut knowledge — or “gutledge” — until the nation is pooping out encyclopedias.
And it’s not just gutledge and crap-stained books we’ll be spreading, but we’ll be spreading action. The kind of action that puts you in crotch-accentuating spandex in support of the speed skating team, or in a crotch-accentuating jumpsuit in support of rallies to support sanity and/or fear, or whatever crotch-accentuating pants that made Jane Fonda sit on your lap that one time.
Action that makes a world-changing point not by debate, reason, or logic, but by showing how ridiculous it is that we can donate mystery money to Super Pacs or that we can name Hungarian bridges or that we can run for President. (I could have sworn only Bushes and Clintons could run.)
What I’m saying is, you’ll never have to run your “Who’s Not Honoring Me Now” segment again. Not because your show is no longer on the air, but because I’m honoring you — we’re honoring you — every day we better know, threat down, cheat death, tip, wag, or nail ‘em.
Thanks for the great 110 months. We’ll take it from here.
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u/sharilynj Dec 22 '14
/u/scottspjut 2016!