r/badphilosophy • u/AutomatedCognition • 4d ago
Serious bzns 👨⚖️ All I see are illusions spoken to me
Well impregnate my backdoor womb with a combine harvester and say I caused the agricultural revolution, I just proved to myself that this is all absolutely, definitely a simulation and by Eris' pantleg tentpole is God dicking my brain with a profound dickery!
See, last night I realized a few things about what my God-given n state-sponsored mission as a messiah candidate really entails (can you say excited?), and with that, I was jamming out in the kitchen in silence when I noticed that there was a fork misplaced over to the side. I wondered why Byoomth (my boyfriend) put it there, and thought to move it with the other two forks by the sink. Well, as I placed the lone fork with its siblings, a fourth fork magickally appeared with the sound effect of metal rubbing against metal chiming out!
Obviously, I thought maybe I was confused. Was that fork always there? Had I misviewed reality? If so, why did the fork make a noise like it did? This got me thinking; could that incident with my bread being tampered with really be caused by God rendering this quantum simulation instead of by the deterministic causality that suggested a mouse had to literally break into the fridge to eat my bread without eating through the plastic bread bag, or was otherwise sabotaged by Byoomth?
As such, I opted to do an experiment. I looked to my side and saw an unassuming bread clip. “Perfect,” I thought, and I nabbed it and tossed it on the bottom shelf of the fridge. “But wait,” I thought. I knew magick needs some sort of energy exchange, so I plopped down some Cheerios, with the idea of testing Byoomth, who I assumed was listening to the sounds I made, if he could identify what I did, assuming he'd see the cereal if the mouse didn't pick it up, cuz, y'know, that would have proved he's doing some sneaky stuff, or whatever.
But! I didn't even get to quiz him like that, because a little while later I was in my room and heard a noise from the kitchen. Curious as all hell, I immediately exit my room to see Byoomth still snoozing, but as I round the corner n squint, I see the Cheerios are gone, so naturally I whip open the fridge. Gadzooks! The fackin’ bread clip was gone!
This rocked my fukken world, so, y'know, I left more snackage for the lil mousey, which resulted in more noise in the kitchen as I drifted to sleep some while later. It was gone in the morning, and to follow through with this new knowledge of karma, I left some more n water this time.
And then, after cuddling with Byoomth for a minute, I told him what I did all enthusiastically, before he got up and then came to me saying the bread clip was in the fridge, and I believed him! I questioned to see if he was doing trickery on me, which, y'know, I know I won't be able to prove for myself either way, but I understand now what superpositions mean when you're a brain in a vat being told what you're experiencing by a transcendental brain that is God, whose word is the source of all you know.
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u/shotbybothsides222 4d ago
Deuuughhhh... urrghhh drools hehe... ughhh....
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u/AutomatedCognition 4d ago
Butt my eagle! I gotta stroek dat ish if I wanna unleesh my lvl 653 sex magick abiluttees! And God nose eye like those!
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u/shotbybothsides222 4d ago
sputters drools eEEEEE HEHEHE URRGGHHHH unmgh jaw cants to the side eEEEYAAHHH
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u/ExpertPayment778 4d ago
I! agree..
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u/AutomatedCognition 4d ago
Kan u say dat again w/ dif wurds?
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u/Kreuscher 4d ago
In accordance with the verbiage therein professed I stand.
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u/AutomatedCognition 4d ago
Bish I dunno big wurds liek proffesed ore acorn dance
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u/Kreuscher 4d ago
I'd love an Ore Acorn Dance.
Like a festival from the lost peoples of Chipmunkia.
Like echos from a lost age.
Like when mom and dad still lived together and life was simple...
Like... *cries*
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u/AutomatedCognition 4d ago
Turn that frown upside down!
Cuz we take rides round town
Where pride dies an' like mice
Slide our butts on the nice ice
Acceptance is key I tell u now
Letting go is th' answer 2 how
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u/Moshka- 4d ago
Wow