Living under financial control and hoping to stay sober

[u/Annie_Alright]

I want to share my story about living with a narcissist and being under financial control. I am a middle-aged woman who married young and had children early. Coming from a poor background without higher education, I didn’t know how to secure a better future for myself. I worked with my husband for years, handling administrative tasks and traveling for meetings, but throughout this time, I endured emotional, physical, and financial abuse.

The stress and abuse even led me into alcoholism and several destructive incidents. After countless fights, therapy, and raising my children (who are now almost grown), I finally took a major step and enrolled in university full-time. I’ve also been sober for 1 year and 6 months, which I’m proud of.

While my husband has supported the idea of me pursuing a degree and was okay with me stepping away from work, he still exerts financial control over me. This holiday season has been particularly hard. He doesn’t give me pocket money or help with basic personal expenses like skincare or haircuts, I haven’t been to a hairdresser in a year. My daughter had to cut my hair when she came home for Christmas.

Recently, I asked him for a small amount of money ($40) to go to the movies and buy snacks with my daughter. He freaked out, saying it was too much and claiming we wouldn’t have enough money for food tomorrow. To clarify, we’re not financially struggling. He spends more than that amount daily on himself, but when it comes to me, there’s always an excuse. He makes investments I know nothing about and hoards money under his control.

In one argument, he accused me of only caring about money and said I could only be happy if I had money. His words and actions are incredibly humiliating and make me feel unworthy. It’s devastating that I can’t even go out with my kids or buy them anything myself.

I have two years left to finish school, and I’m holding onto the hope that I can build a life for myself afterward. For now, living under his financial control is degrading and isolating. I just wanted to share my story because this situation feels unbearable, and I know others may relate to this kind of struggle.

[u/menlindorn]

Collect evidence of the abuse, talk to an attorney, and file for divorce. If there's no prenup, this will be a slam dunk. You'll get the money, free yourself from abuse, and almost certainly get maintenance, too.

You could also try sending him to jail and getting everything. Talk to an attorney for the options available in your area. Now

[u/Alternative_Ad_3300]

I honestly have no advice but I am in the same situation: with a man that I depend on financially on many levels and who is toxic / abusive.

Honestly the only way I can see myself out of this situation is working my ass off to never depend on anybody ever again. But easier said than done.

[u/LongjumpingPilot8578]

First and foremost, do not an allow the marital strains and abuse to impact your sobriety. Sobriety is the key to your personal freedom without your husband. Get in contact with an abuse clinic in your area and get some consultation. Although you may not be suffering physical abuse, you are subjected to psychological and emotional abuse. Ask for counseling on how to handle the financial constraints he places on you and how can you engage a lawyer without availability to resources. I don’t know the dynamics in your marriage but physical abuse is a possibility if you start challenging a narcissistic control freak that won’t allow you the money to see a movie with your daughter. Please please please- don’t let the current stress drive you to the bottle.