r/alcoholism • u/BeeExpensive3311 • 19h ago
Hardship with finding a suitable Sponsor
The saying within AA is, you see someone, you see what they have, you want what they have. Well, I saw someone, I saw what she had, and I wanted what she had. She also had 12 years sobriety and was very much involved with AA, and matters pertaining to AA, such as events. Anyway, I asked her to be my sponsor and she agreed. However, no step work began and on several occasions, she invited me to AA events that she would be attending. So, these were things that she was going to be doing whether I participated or not and that felt as if I was just tagging along. At times, she would send me the Daily Reflections and I would respond. Initially, her responses were detailed, then they became basic and at times there were no responses at all. It didn’t appear to me that my relationship with her was working so I got another sponsor.
With this current sponsor, the second time that we were supposed to get together for step work, she forgot. Nevertheless, she did meet with me through zoom. The third time that we were supposed to get together for step work, I waited for her on zoom for 30 minutes. She later told me that she had gone to sleep.
At this point, I do not feel a connection with either of them.
I am feeling very discouraged with sponsorship. I feel that many say that they want to sponsor but once they begin to sponsor, they don’t take it very seriously.
I would like to know others experiences with sponsorship. Has it worked? Have you been disappointed?
2
u/HealifyApp 4h ago
Finding the right sponsor can feel like trying to hit a moving target sometimes, especially when they don’t show up the way you need them to. You’re doing the right thing by recognizing what’s not working and moving on instead of sticking with something half-hearted. It’s not you; it’s the lack of accountability on their part. Keep looking, there are sponsors out there who genuinely want to help. You’ve got this!
1
u/SOmuch2learn 17h ago
I'm sorry this is happening.
Check out /r/stopdrinking and /r/alcoholicsanonymous.
1
u/OwnLet4364 16h ago
I'm sorry to hear about your challenges with finding a suitable sponsor. It's understandable to feel discouraged when these relationships don't meet your expectations. However, many individuals have successfully quit alcohol without a sponsor, and there are various alternative methods to support your journey. For instance, programs like SMART Recovery offer self-empowerment and self-reliance techniques grounded in scientific knowledge.
Additionally, online treatment programs provide flexibility and personalized support, which might align better with your needs. I have helped people myself in one on one situations.
Given your experiences, it might be beneficial to explore these alternatives or seek one-on-one support from professionals who can tailor their approach to your specific situation. Remember, the most important aspect is finding a method that resonates with you and supports your commitment to sobriety. Don't hesitate to reach out to different resources until you find the right fit for your recovery journey.
1
u/BeeExpensive3311 15h ago
Thank-you for your response. I am currently receiving therapy from a licensed social worker who specializes in alcohol abuse. I am also receiving treatment from a nurse practitioner who also specializes in alcohol abuse and I am prescribed naltrexone because of my alcohol abuse. I sought a sponsor because it is highly encouraged by AA and I also wanted the additional support.
2
u/BigBookQuoter 15h ago
From the AA pamphlet Questions and Answers on Sponsorship.
What does a sponsor do and not do?
A sponsor does everything possible, within the limits of personal experience and knowledge, to help the newcomer get sober and stay sober through the A.A. program.
Shows by present example and drinking history what A.A. has meant in the sponsor’s life.
Encourages and helps the newcomer to attend a variety of A.A. meetings — to get a number of viewpoints and interpretations of the A.A. program.
Suggests keeping an open mind about A.A. if the newcomer isn’t sure at first whether he or she is an alcoholic.
Introduces the newcomer to other members.
Sees that the newcomer is aware of A.A. literature, in particular the Big Book, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Grapevine, As Bill Sees It, Living Sober and suitable pamphlets.
Is available to the newcomer when the latter has special problems.
Goes over the meaning of the Twelve Steps, and emphasizes their importance.
Urges the newcomer to join in group activities as soon as possible.
Impresses upon the newcomer the importance of all our Traditions.
Emphasizes the relevance and spiritual value of anonymity, both on a person-to-person basis, as well as at the public level, including social media. (For more information see the pamphlet, “Understanding Anonymity.")
Tries to give the newcomer some picture of the scope of A.A., beyond the group, and directs attention to A.A. literature about the history of the Fellowship, the Three Legacies, the service structure, and the worldwide availability of A.A. — wherever the newcomer may go.
Explains the program to relatives of the alcoholic, if this appears to be useful, and tells them about Al-Anon Family Groups and Alateen.
Quickly admits, “I don’t know” when that is the case, and helps the newcomer find a good source of information.
The sponsor encourages the newcomer to work with other alcoholics as soon as possible, and sometimes begins by taking the newcomer along on Twelfth Step calls.
Never takes the newcomer’s inventory except when asked.
Never tries to impose personal views on the newcomer. A good sponsor who is an atheist does not try to persuade a religious newcomer to abandon faith, nor does a religious sponsor argue theological matters with an agnostic newcomer.
Does not pretend to know all the answers, and does not keep up a pretense of being right all the time.
An A.A. sponsor does not offer professional services such as those provided by counselors, the legal, medical or social work comunities, but may sometimes help the newcomer to access professional help if assistance outside the scope of A.A. is needed.
Stresses the importance of A.A. being a safe place for all members and encourages members to become familiar with service material available from the General Service Office such as “Safety in A.A. — Our Common Welfare.”
The sponsor underscores the fact that it is the A.A. recovery program — not the sponsor’s personality or position — that is important. Thus, the newcomer learns to rely on the A.A. program, not on the sponsor. A sponsor well-grounded in the A.A. program will not be offended if the newcomer goes to other A.A. members for additional guidance or even decides to change sponsors.