r/Open_Up • u/throwaway153724984 • Jun 03 '17
i needed to get this off my chest.
a couple of months back in december i was partnered with a boy for a drama prac and ended up with a raging crush on him. call him john. he was funny; he made me smile, and he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better at my lowest points.
in february, we became a bit closer. on the nineteenth i attended a party where i got wasted and attempted suicide. one week later, a friend who had gone to that party ended up in hospital after throwing himself off a cliff. a day after he attempted was john's birthday. i'd bought him a gift, a sentimental, inside joke that made him laugh when he opened it. i told him about the friend, and we were sure he was going to be okay. long story short, he wasn't. exactly a week after his attempt, our friend died in hospital from his injuries. there was a week at school where lessons weren't compulsory, and i spent most of this week with john rather than with my friends. this was a mistake, as i learnt, and my friends began to resent me for using this awful time to bond with my crush. that wasn't the case. john knew what i needed. john could cheer me up and hold me when i cried. i felt safe with him.
in this time, i began bonding with john's friend, robert. robert was amazing. i'd always been afraid of him; he's quite an intimidating man, but i found his soft spot quickly and we got closer. eventually, my friends pushed me away so much that i ended up spending my lunch breaks with john, robert and their friends. this was when i opened up to them about my mental health issues, and robert told me to give him my number so he could phone me later, which i did. what i got wasn't what i expected. i expected him to give me a pep talk about suicide and how it's wrong, but instead he spoke to me about his own issues with psychosis and his suppressed sides. he hasn't been diagnosed yet, but the best way i can explain it is an extreme form of rapid cycling bipolar disorder. he told me his woes and cried on the phone to me until two in the morning, then we both went to sleep. he came into school the next day wasted.
we organised to go to the cinema on that friday. just the three of us. robert brought a bottle of some alcoholic concoction and he and john drank a lot of it. i avoided the drink just because of my previous experience with drunkenness, and we began our four mile walk to the cinema.
we had to walk over a pebble beach to get there. john was 'drunk', and he had his arm around me. that was fine. the ground wasn't flat; it was difficult to walk across. he started kissing my cheek. that was fine. he was just an affectionate drunk. we walked across the bridge and he turned me around, holding my shoulders, and told me to kiss him.
my mind went blank. i stuttered something like "no. you're drunk." but he kissed me anyway. i didn't mind; it was a little victory. i just kissed a boy i'd been crushing on for five months. that was great. robert hadn't noticed that any of this had gone down, for he had run ahead to get into an abandoned sand playground. we walked together, but john's hand appeared to wander. when robert wasn't looking, john's hand would be ghosting around my ass and that made me a little uncomfortable. i'd move his hand, and he'd leave off until repeating the action twenty minutes later. i remember robert noticing at one point, but he was smashed off his face and can't recall anything from that night.
in the cinema, john and i started making out. a lot. he was feeling me up, fingering me through my jeans, the lot. i was scared and uncomfortable and i just let it happen. i let him do all of it. he had my hand and he guided it to his dick, and i had to feel him rubbing himself with my hand. i was completely dissociating the entire time. it doesn't seem traumatic, but i was petrified for a lot of reasons. i was okay with the kissing, that was fine. but i'm not someone who's comfortable with being manhandled in a cinema full of people by someone they considered one of their best friends. john wasn't drunk by this point. i knew that, and he knew that. his 'drunken' acts previously were put on, and i wasn't quite sure why.
i left later on in the night, and phoned my friend crying. i didn't tell her what happened. i told her he was handsy, but didn't give any further explanation. i excused my crying by saying i'd had a bit too much to drink and that i was emotional. i was perfectly sober. it was raining, and when my dad picked me up he was none the wiser to the tears on my face. i went home, showered, and tried to forget all of it.
in school the next monday, i tried my best to pretend that nothing ever happened with john. i acted normal with him. robert couldn't remember anything from that night. but my friendliness was negated by the fact that every time i saw john i flinched. for a week, i cried in the shower every single night and i didn't even know why. the weird thing was that the words 'sexual assault' never crossed my mind. i couldn't fathom the idea that i was a victim; i'd wanted it, hadn't i? i didn't stop him, i was just a bit uncomfortable. but that didn't explain why i couldn't think back on the occurrence without having a full-blown panic attack. the next week, robert approached me and asked about the kiss. he knew about it; john had told a couple of people who had then spread it on. i said it was fine, that i was fine, that it was just a drunken mistake. then, that night, i phoned him and told him the truth. he said he was going to sort john out, that everything was okay, that he would stop john from ever coming near me if that was what i wanted. i just wanted everything to go back to normal. later i found out that that night, robert tried to hang himself. i had tried to call him at midnight and he didn't pick up; later i found out that it was because he was lying half-dead in a puddle of his own piss. nonetheless, he came into school, spoke to me, and he spoke to john about what happened.
things went a little tits up. john messaged me after school that day and told me that he was going to kill himself to kill the monster in him. he said that he was sorry. he said that he just needed a few days to 'say goodbye'. i was speechless. i was angry. i phoned robert, who had received the same text. i couldn't believe that john was threatening suicide when he knew about the friend aforementioned, when he had held me during the funeral, when he had watched me break down repeatedly about how i wished it was me instead of him, and he was throwing it around because he wanted forgiveness.
but in all fairness, when the anger subsided, in came fear. i didn't want john to die. i phoned him, and he seemed genuine. i wanted everything to go back to normal and i told him that. he promised he wouldn't kill himself. he apologised again and again and again and i forgave him in fear. pretended we were fine. told him that all was forgotten.
i still call robert to this day crying. i still can't put into words how i feel. robert is on suicide watch now; he's getting himself fixed up. everything is going back to normal but i /still/ can't look at john, or even think about looking at john, without a rising panic building in my chest. thank you for your time.