Feeling Lost

[u/sdi8485]

this may be long. i just need to get this out cuz its draining to hold this in. if anyone else is going through something lets talk..judgement free

since March 1st ive been out of my house about 10 times and have been dealing with a bad bout of depression and anxiety. For years ive joked with myself that if i actually was to go to a doctor i would be diagnosed with depression but im a black female..we dont get depressed...we deal.

Either way what triggered my current state was #1 i was losing the person i was dealing(thats a whole other story) with and #2 (the big one) the anniversary of my fathers 1 death was coming up.

Death has alway been hard for me to deal with and im pretty sure its whats started my battle with depression in the 1st place. A week b4 my 12th birthday my nana passed and i didnt deal with it. most of the week i was trying to console other people and when i did cry i went and hid..hell no1 tried to find me and talk so yea. i cried when i saw her body at the funeral home because holy shit she was really gone. Next time i cried was her funeral but what i remember was an aunt telling me to stop crying. Needless to say from then on ive kept my feeling to myself because well who wanted to really hear and/or deal? I became everyone else's person to talk to while going through life with no1 i felt i could lean on.

Fast forward to last year.

In February a aunt died and that hurt but it didnt directly effect me. In March i had a trip i was looking forward 2. So i get there relax and my mother calls saying that they're just trying to make my father comfortable. I broke all the way down. I didnt grow up with the man didnt know him but to say i didnt feel a complete loss is an understatement. i was never going to have that relationship(whether i wanted it or not) and i felt bad for the girl i was and for others in my situation(daddy abandonment issues). i spent the weekend with that looming over my head so i drank and enjoyed myself to the best of my ability. On the way home i got the info that he was gone and once again broke down(i was at a rest stop so i commandeered the bathroom for a lil).

When i got home i went on about life like nothing had just happened. I mentioned feeling some type of way about what happened to a friend and he just looked at me like why you mad. Bottled emotions once again. In June an uncle passed and that was my threshold of things. I was calling out of work leaving work just not giving a shit. I ended up quitting in July.

I started driving uber for money and was cool for a while because hey now im my own boss and i can do what i gotta. By october i started feeling a little blah and sat down for a little to evaluate some things and realized i never really dealt with my father death and it was starting to effect me but didnt know where to start. so i swept it under the rug again.

Since then ive been off and on ok. Ive had some really good days then some really bad days but march shit just hot the fan! i literally woke up March 1 and couldnt do shit. Ive cried damn near every day and have just felt worthless. I live with my mother( who is retired) and not once has she asked me if im ok. Instead shes asked about my damn car. so this is what 7 weeks and not one hey you good whats up etc. This has been our relationship since i could remember so i guess i should be used to it by now huh? Still hurts because honestly shes more concerned about my younger brother(always has been smh)

Ive had abandonment issues( father left when i was 4...told my nana that though my mother loved my brother more than me...nana moved away to be closer to older sister...when people cant get what they want from me i get discarded) so ive been a mess. Just wish that someone i put my effort into did the same for me. i feel so all alone.

ok ive run out of words for now