r/FuckeryUniveristy • u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D • Sep 04 '20

READ BEFORE POSTING ANYTHING TO r/FuckeryUniveristy NSFW

I, SloppyEyeScream, have fully abused the privilege of Reddit. Humor is quite literally my means to cope with the world around me. The style of humor largely depends on the mood I am in, but rest assured that I will resort to humor. I had recently returned from another combat deployment when a friend made a recommendation to me, "Why don't you post some of your stories?" as a means to reduce stress. I took his advice and finally started to give back to Reddit, a place that has provided so much.

I sincerely and genuinely understand the humor in my stories is not for everyone. I also have no desire to offend anyone. It is simply not in my nature, despite what my employment may lead one to believe. I love r/militarystories. It is my favorite place to post, but some of my stories are the result of me being in the military, and agreeably, do not belong there. I created this particular sub for my stories that have no homes, or have been rejected by the gatekeepers at other subs. I don't care who signs up, or the amount of people that read my stories. My fellow moderators and I simply want to provide a place that is free of countless restrictions, and we will not arbitrarily remove a story because "we feel like it."

Lastly, we are in our infant stages right now. We know we have dicks/vaginas, but we are not old enough to know what they are used for. What does that mean? There will be some growing pains with this sub. Rules may or may not change based off community recommendations. The only thing I sincerely ask of you is to not be assholes to each other. Go ahead and be assholes in your posts, but not each other. The community will let you know if your story sucks, but in a tactful and professional way. Nobody is making money off this shit, so don't be five pounds of douche in a one pound bag. Thanks and "post-on" you magnificent fucks!

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96 comments sorted by

44

u/Em-baer Sep 04 '20

So happy I found this sub, looking forward to more Hawk stories, or otherwise. Makes me want to be a better writer.

40

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 04 '20

No. Thank you for finding it. The mod may be a fucking dick, but at least all my stories have a home...being that I am the mod and whatnot. Tell your friends!!!

38

u/Em-baer Sep 05 '20

Sir yes sir! My brother liked the stories too. He said oohrah but I don't speak crayon so insert fighter jet noise here. Thanks for getting me through this working 96, and thanks for the gold. Can't believe you already have this many stories on here, keep it up.

25

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 05 '20

No Sir here! I am enlisted swine. LOL. What airframe do you drive? I will continue to post. I have stories for days. Glad you enjoy them.

21

u/Em-baer Sep 06 '20

Oh I don't do the driving, I'm also enlisted swine. But so far the F-16s are my favorite frame to support even if they are built like a sieve made from snowflakes

13

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 06 '20

LOL

18

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Sep 06 '20

Have you ever read Mechanical Failure by Joe Zieja? It is military humor, but in space. He wrote a total of three books, and now he says he wonā€™t write any more because he likes voicing for video games. However, imo, his books are masterpieces. He threw everything he lived in the military in these three books. And itā€™s great.

13

u/kyabakei Sep 30 '20

As someone who likes Pratchett so much I eschew most other authors, thank you for the recommendation! There is a dire lack of humorous fiction, so I'm always on the lookout for more.

7

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Sep 30 '20

Let me know what you think! I feel like he hasnā€™t been properly discovered. I think this might be the only three books we get from him, because he has found his calling in video game voiceovers. It is hard to be an author. I try to support newbies but the pay for the hours worked isnā€™t that great unless you hit it big. I donā€™t think you can go wrong with Zieja though. I keep it on the shelf where I can get to it, just the same as my Pratchett books.

9

u/kyabakei Oct 01 '20

I just read the 80-page preview on Google books and it looks good! And not too sexist (when I heard 'space army', I stereotyped). Thanks so much for the reference. I find most modern humour books are either travel books or 'single woman with a teenage daughter trying to live, find love, solve a murder...and drink wine'-type things, which isn't my style šŸ¤£

3

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Oct 01 '20

Oh God no. This is sort of like... Space Balls? With an unwitting hero? There is one character I particularly like who is an assistant to the main guyā€™s crush (who hates him but he still keeps hoping). What made me die laughing time and again was protocols. You could see why the protocols were made but irl human error made everything take twice as long...

Edit: also, same. Humor is subjective, and I am like you, I am not interested in types you outline (travel humor or single woman humor). Itā€™s all been done before but people keep pushing it out and HOLLYWOOD KEEPS MAKING MOVIES OF IT. So when I find a unique voice I try to hang with that author and support them.

6

u/kyabakei Oct 01 '20

I don't get why it's not as popular now either! I keep finding hilarious old authors, like P. G. Wodehouse, yet so few simply funny modern authors. And yet half of the prompts on the writing prompts sub are funny ones. I feel there's an audience, but no product.

I also wonder if it's because of a lack of grammar and literature in schools now (I'm from NZ), making it harder to write humour that comes across well, or harder for people to understand the more obscure references? I found the books on Kindle, so that'll be my next purchase šŸ‘

4

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Oct 01 '20

You know what I think it is? I think itā€™s because the people who are trying to write it havenā€™t lived it. Take new entertainers versus old ones. New entertainers, actors - if their parent was an actor then the kid had a soft life. Old entertainers like Moe, Larry, and Curly were adept at playing piano, different instruments, dancing, slapstick. But new actors think all they have to do is ACT. Thatā€™s only part of the art, though. I saw a show where the character was digging a grave. He was holding the shovel wrong, and also flinging the dirt everywhere. It told me exactly where he had been (not ever outside, working). Same goes for many modern humor writers. They make up bs that they think others will find funny. But the absolute best humor is putting forth what youā€™ve lived. I watched John Leguizamoā€™s Ghetto Klown and he has a funny family. Robin Williams must have struggled to get where he was because he was hilarious. I realize that the best humorists are few and far between. So much of the stuff getting put out has a very brief shelf life. The hard part is for the reader to find it.

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4

u/WhoHayes Oct 25 '20

I know it's been a while since you commented, but I just saw this thread. Check out Christopher Moore.

I'm a huge Terry Pratchett fan, as well as Douglas Adams. Moore is a bit of a warped version of the two. Fool is a retelling of King Lear from the fools perspective. Much fuckery most foul.

3

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Oct 25 '20

Iā€™ll give it a go! I have never heard of Moore!

3

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Agree. And not just humor. Some of the best drama novels Iā€™ve ever read were from unknown authors whose subject matter and writing style were well outside the mainstream.

4

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Oct 25 '20

Chuck Pahlaniuk started writing and didnā€™t even know who his audience was. He wrote the Fight Club and just put it out there. Some college kids read it, and passed it on to their friends, and then it just branches out from there. Friend of a friend of a friend. The subversive elements, the discontent. Itā€™s like punk rock, but in writing form. There was another book called Dust. I heard about it when it was still a free download on Amazon. Never read it but I was told it was good. That guy got picked up by the publishing houses and now you can find it in the local book store.

The whole switch from print media to digital media made me very sad. I was worried it would kill readership. However, what I am finding is that people still want to be entertained. People are still reading. They are making space for the cheap pulp anime all the way to the glossy comic books (as a kid, I remember when the comics were pretty much all pulp style, no fancy anything). People still want it. And, at least in book form, there are still people writing who manage to throw their heart and souls into it. If they are lucky Hollywood will see it and put it on the big screen. God knows Hollywood needs help. Most recent book to movie I saw was The Goldfinch. On the book subs people recommended it highly. It was a pretty good movie, drama wise.

I donā€™t usually go in for movies like that. I go between action and science fiction movies, mostly. But a good drama which has a deep story, I am down for that too! I donā€™t mind comedies but I am pretty picky on those. Some of the writers must think we are stupid - I donā€™t feel like Hollywood used to explain jokes but they sure do now.

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3

u/XenoRexNoctem Jan 24 '22

Pratchett fans... I knew I was in the right place!

6

u/GForce1975 Sep 09 '20

Yeah, I agree. I'm sure there are many of us. Excuse me for speaking generally, but I feel like I can appreciate the exploits of this sub's founder without any of the PC guidance and official rules on posts that exist elsewhere. Nothing against those other sources, but it's nice that this sub was created.

35

u/coriolinus Sep 04 '20

So, "univeristy" vs "university": intentional OCD-bait, or permanent typo?

61

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 04 '20

Total fucking typo. But there is no going back. I had to own it. I think we did pretty well though. No regerts!!! LOL. What an epic fuck up.

30

u/wolfie379 Oct 14 '20

Sort of like the agnostic dyslexic insomniac lying awake at night wondering if there really is a dog?

19

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 14 '20

Yup. The same guy who sent his Christmas list to Satan.

6

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

But did he get what he wanted?

8

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 26 '20

Or Lemons. LOL

5

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 27 '20

Coal. Definitely coal.

4

u/derFsivaD Dec 06 '20

I wan' my LEMONS!

4

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Dec 06 '20

Nope. MELONS!

3

u/derFsivaD Dec 06 '20

Sorry, asdf movie reference. I sometimes make references thinking others might know what I'm talking about, and not realize just how obscure my references truly are. I don't remember which one it is, butni think it's 5 or 6. (they are up to 13 now.) Bizarre, short, weird little skits, mostly comical, although some may be a bit more strange than others. Easy to find on YouTube, if you are so inclined. Who knows, maybe Cake already knows. Of you like humor (and I think you do!) you might get a chuckle. Some of the skits are kinda dark, which might be more your style.

3

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Dec 06 '20

Iā€™ll check them Out.

3

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 26 '20

Melons.

4

u/626c6f775f6d65 Nov 06 '20

I do love me some melons!

Or were you referring to the fruit?

3

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Nov 06 '20

Melons are fruit?

1

u/SirDianthus Dec 29 '20

Ofc... But it cost him....

5

u/Luecleste Oct 26 '21

Look, the last kid who did that got a hell hound and a demon nanny

3

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Woah! Awesome!

1

u/dyankee13 Feb 01 '21

Who let the dogs out?

3

u/woodandweld Oct 26 '21

It fits the name and theme of the sub so well, especially knowing it wasnā€™t on purpose. Honestly, I donā€™t think you could have planned it any better than that.

1

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 26 '21

Happy to have had some decent fuck ups in my life. LOL

23

u/tisaacson7816 Sep 04 '20 edited Sep 08 '20

Yeah... it's a permanent typo. We'd have to delete the whole thing and start over again if we wanted to correct it. It does, however, have the added benefit of provoking the OCD among us. This is a fuckery subreddit after all, and as Sloppy says, "No regerts!"

10

u/BlackSeranna šŸ‘¾CantripperšŸ‘¾ Sep 06 '20

I think it is perfect.

9

u/tisaacson7816 Sep 07 '20

Thank you! It's sort of a badge of honor at this point!

1

u/jbuckets44 Nov 19 '20

Sorry, but plz forgive me. I missed the first gert. Where is it may I ask? ;-)

3

u/tisaacson7816 Nov 19 '20

It's in the "About" section of FU:

Welcome to Fuckery University (FU); A place so fucked up we misspelled the link. Fuck it, no regerts! Our mission is to provide a venue that caters to Laughter and Fuckery. You will not find any General Audience (G) rated chronicles here. Stories are equipped with a five-point safety harness, because the standard seatbelt will not save your life on this fucking death-roll!

2

u/jbuckets44 Nov 19 '20

Yes, I saw that initially, but it only uses "re-gert(s)", not "gert." ;-) Just being silly since you can't re-gert until after you've first gert - and I can't find the word "gert" anywhere. Lol!

9

u/sw33tbaboo Sep 04 '20

....Yes.

5

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Or no. Maybe?

4

u/sw33tbaboo Oct 25 '20

Well, hi! I was hoping you'd run across this sub and post some. Hope you and yours are all doing well.

5

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

We are, thank you very much! I sincerely hope the same for you and yours. I appreciate Sloppy starting this. There are other stories not suitable for the other sub. I find telling them to be a kind of free therapy, and, tbh, most days I find myself with no one to talk to but my online friends. Good to hear from you!

4

u/sw33tbaboo Oct 25 '20

Thanks! I enjoy your storytelling and very much look forward to any upcoming installments. This is a great sub! Fun, entertaining and eclectic. I too, appreciate Sloppy's gumption in creating this place. I think it was a needed addition for those stories that don't quite fit elsewhere. Shoot me a DM if you get bored.

:)

3

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Thank you!, and you got it.

17

u/GeophysGal Moderator FuckeryUniveristy Sep 06 '20

This is the 3rd time in 12 hours Iā€™ve referenced The Egg

If they donā€™t like you this lifetime they will the next.

8

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 06 '20

I can't open it now, but I will check it out later when I am not on VPN. Thanks.

7

u/GeophysGal Moderator FuckeryUniveristy Sep 06 '20

Itā€™s different. I like it. If youā€™ve seen the movie The Adjustment Bureau then youā€™ve heard parts of it. Itā€™s quoted by over bearing know it all bad-ish guy.

1

u/schwarzeKatzen Jul 06 '24

Iā€™m so glad Iā€™m reading the comment sections on these old posts or I would have missed this. I also appreciate the throwback simplicity of that site. Thanks for sharing!

2

u/GeophysGal Moderator FuckeryUniveristy Jul 10 '24

Youā€™re welcome!

8

u/[deleted] Sep 04 '20

You really like that "X pounds of Y in a one pound bag" line, don't you? I just read you describe Hawk as a hundred pounds of stupid etc.

12

u/WhoHayes Sep 04 '20

It's a Midwestern thang.

11

u/carycartter šŸŖ– Military Veteran šŸŖ– Sep 04 '20

Graduated high school in the Midwest, can confirm.

Comes in handy while designing cabinetry for people with a bunch of dollars and zero sense, for example the ones who spend way too much time looking at kitchens on Pinterest with 14' ceilings and demand their 8' ceiling kitchen should look just like that ...

Why can't I have 2 36" Sub Zero units, an 18" wine tower, and nine feet of base and uppers on this six foot long wall?

7

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Lol. ā€œWhy canā€™t I put a chandelier in here? They look amazing!ā€

ā€œBecause youā€™ll be walking into it, Maā€™am.ā€

10

u/[deleted] Sep 04 '20

That would explain it then, I suppose. I like it. Idioms are such an interesting quirk of language, I could read about them for hours.

10

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 04 '20

My dictionary and fictionary have used that line for years. Maybe I need to kick it to the curb though?

10

u/[deleted] Sep 04 '20

No, I like it - I already replied to the other guy, I love learning about such little local quirks of language. Language is fascinating to me, and how different people can use the same language differently is a source of neverending joy to me.

8

u/aspienonomous No. Nope. Noped right the fuck out. Sep 09 '20

Good to know. I might un-edit some of my posts so they sound more like me and arenā€™t sub-conforming. I hated that I had to censor myself just so the fucktards delicate sensibilities werenā€™t judgemental ā€œoffended.ā€

7

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 09 '20

Yes. True. I get that I am different. I think different, and worse, I type like I think. Why change? I get that my humor is not for all, but it is for some. Feel free to post whatever you want. I let the community judge my shit, just like everyone else. But at least it will not get taken down. I am far too lazy to remove a post.

5

u/aspienonomous No. Nope. Noped right the fuck out. Sep 09 '20

Cheers! Just did. The accurate account of my last job and all the fun times that followed. I enjoy your humor and have other stories that I can un-edit as well.

3

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 09 '20

Sounds good. The more the merrier right!?!

7

u/Zrk2 Sep 08 '20

So can any asshole post stories? Do they have to involve the military or just fuckery?

8

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 08 '20

ANYONE can post here friend. They don't have to be about the military at all. Some of my stories are a result of me joining the Army, but are not entirely military so a friend and I created a sub. All are welcome.

8

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 08 '20

Oh. Write about what ever you please. We don't judge.

7

u/Zrk2 Sep 08 '20

Oh, you might.

7

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Sep 08 '20

That actually sounds more exciting now!

3

u/carycartter šŸŖ– Military Veteran šŸŖ– Nov 17 '20

Not directly, at least ...

2

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Nov 17 '20

LOL

5

u/phucked_cook Sep 11 '20

I'm an old army cook. I've got a few stupid ass stories. Some might even be good.

3

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

Dish.

3

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20

.

5

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20 edited Oct 25 '20

.

4

u/itsallalittleblurry The Eternal Bard Oct 25 '20 edited Oct 25 '20

.

5

u/GeophysGal Moderator FuckeryUniveristy Oct 25 '20

Love how you changed the ā€œusersā€ to fuckers on the front page.

2

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 26 '20

Still learning about all this shit here.

3

u/Buck0416 Oct 26 '21

You just ooze gush (were talking arterial bleed here) the same energy as my uncle and I could not be happier. This will forever be my favorite place on reddit. Thanks Sloppy!!!

2

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Oct 26 '21

LOL. Very happy you found us friend.

4

u/Compodulator Nov 24 '21

I just hope nobody instates a rule about "no swearing anymore". This is the sub I go to rant and use a colorful language other subs don't allow because they're all pussies.

2

u/brenda699 Jan 24 '21

How you feeling Sloppy?

2

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Jan 28 '21

I am there right now friend. Hit me up on DM and I will give you my number. Then you can open up the floodgates of Whey TF did I do that.

2

u/SloppyEyeScream Can Be a Real 8===D Jan 28 '21

I am there right now friend. Hit me up on DM and I will give you my number. Then you can open up the floodgates of Whey TF did I do that.

2

u/Sea_Researcher7410 Oct 13 '24

Son of a son of a veteran here. I hope to become a regular here, as many of my stories involve guns and too many liberals are crying about that. One concerned soul even reported me to RedditCares, which I assume is some type of counselling link? Okay. Whatever!