The End

[u/Armouredpaperplane]

I miss you so much. Last night I had a nightmare about you telling me that you didn't feel anything for me anymore. And there were so many spiders. I woke up crying. The pain in my heart doesn't subside nor it seems does the love. I wish it would. I hate you for what you have done, ending things this way. All the lies. You lied about who the boxes were for. I think you changed the locks but I couldn't bring myself to check so I just left the keys in the letterbox. I couldn't take another blow. I don't understand why you left me this way. You said you wanted to remain friends. You said that you still loved me even though you were no longer in love with me. I moved out, she moved in. You lied about her moving in. You lied about who the boxes were for. You got rid of everything that was mine. You asked to expedite our divorce. You asked me to sign away my rights. I think you changed the locks. I hate you. I saw you both at the gym. You were patiently encouraging her. You used to do that with me. Until you started looking at me differently. I could see it. It made me anxious. It made me scared. It made me hold on too tight, I should have let go. We used to tease. It wasn't fun anymore. Holding on to critiques. Why did you clean my car the week you left me? I thought, perhaps we will make this work. I was so grateful. Petrol too. I sent some money, I knew you were short. I was so happy you had helped me get unstuck with that task. You said the money was emasculating. I didn't understand. I was so sad. I wanted to feel wanted. I felt so much guilt for our lack of sex. I stopped taking the nerve medication so I could feel again. It was only a bit of pain. I got scared after the first time. Started googling. Terrible idea. I thought you were going to ask for divorce and I realised I had no idea how that works. How would it affect me, you, us? No more us anymore. You changed the way you spoke to me. The only warmth in your voice came when you wanted me to agree to sign things, divide things, accept things. You wanted it over. Instant gratification. I yelled at you for moving her in. Only a week after I left. You had given me three. Far too painful to think every car coming down the driveway might be you. Surrounded by us. I yelled at her too, only a little. She left. Not for long though. Those boxes weren't for her. How could you? Why did you? What did you say to her? How could she be there? I hate you so much I want to stop loving you. You were my best friend. You were my person. I was so sure. For better or for worse. I was so burnt out. I was stressed. You were unhappy. I miss you so much. I miss my person. I was yours. You don't want me. You made me laugh. You were so strong. You were so determined. So smart. My person. You were a beacon. Giving light to the people around you. You cared so deeply. You hated yourself, I hated that. You were depressed. I didn't know how to help. I should have handled it better. I could have said things differently. I could have said different things. Now we're not us. I don't regret loving you. I hate that it hurts. I love you exactly how you are. I loved you when you changed and when you didn't. I love you now. I wish I didn't. I don't want to stop loving you. I miss our little home. Cuddled up on a rainy day. Projects when the sun was shining. The peace of being with you. Did you not feel that peace? Was it just me. I feel alone. Was I alone before I realised? Is that what you were trying to tell me? I thought you were figuring it out. You. It's nothing to do with me you said. Did you want it to be nothing to do with me instead? Were you pushing me away because you wanted me to leave or did you want to see if I would? It's done now. Are you happy with her? I want you to be happy. I wish I didn't. That's a lie. I don't hate you. I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate being heartbroken. I hate feeling betrayed. I hate losing each other's trust. I hate missing you so much. I hate thinking about you all the time. I miss the deep breath you take before laying out a new plan. I miss coming home to the furniture rearranged. I miss you holding me just because you can. I miss holding you. I miss our jokes and cooking up new ways to spend time with our friends. I miss the dogs, walking around the park and teaching them new tricks. I miss you beating me at every single board game but still playing them with me. I miss getting dressed up to go out. I miss you changing half a dozen times. I wish you could have seen you through my eyes, maybe you would have loved yourself. Why are we here?