r/BoomersBeingFools • u/Apprehensive-Stop748 • 1d ago
Boomer mom explodes in every conversation in 2 stages
Every conversation I have had with my boomer mom is like an etch a sketch because it's not linear where two people can say things to each other without one or the other stopping the conversation and saying "are you sure?" followed by "You're a liar." it starts by asking a question.
The first stage is her responding with some version of "no it isn't" even for a factual and obvious question. It's like a form of adult oppositional defiant disorder.
When you show her the facts, like objective information, such as it being day or night because the sun is out, even with the strongest evidence of objective reality, she doubles down and flies into a rage, which involves her either running away from the person that she's talking to, hanging up the phone or cutting off the online conversation.
78
u/GemGlamourNGlitter 1d ago
Don't engage.
49
u/Apprehensive-Stop748 1d ago
That’s the method I’m using. The holidays are a time to visit relatives. Thank goodness I no longer live with her. It boggles my mind why someone would want to expend so much energy refuting everyone she comes in contact with.
She did what I described in my original post to my niece, sister, her employees, coworkers, attorneys and when my Dad was dying from kidney disease. She would joke about smothering him with a pillow and people would cringe. It’s so sad and she has no empathy. When I calmly told her about my cats risk of dying from bird flu, she immediately said “get over it” then I asked her how she would feel if both her dogs died from bird flu ? She opened her mouth and didn’t make a sound
10
u/Rhypefiepuppyyu 1d ago
Was she always like this? If so, how did she even get married??
22
u/Scare-Crow87 1d ago
Covert narcissists are good at masking until it collapses from lack of supply.
4
40
u/JennHatesYou 1d ago
I didn't know I had a sibling.
I used to say my mother lives in "Judyland" (her name is Judy) because she seems to live in a reality that does not exist to anyone else and refuses to allow actual reality to penetrate her mind palace. Only information that confirms her unfounded delusions is correct. She has what I can only describe as a reversion to primal tendencies when confronted. Screaming, hitting, hanging up, running away with her fingers in her ears saying "la la la I can't hear you". She's been doing this for at least my whole life (38 years).
Judy now has early dementia and is assisted living. This behavior is even more apparent now. She's had so many issues that she is on the verge of being put in a geriatric psych ward and drugged into complete oblivion. I went to the ends of the earth to try and help her throughout my life ( I have a degree and work in mental health with 15 years experience) but there was/is nothing I can do. This isn't to say you are headed for the same thing in terms of dementia but more a heads up that this shit does not get better over time. My advice is let them sink their own ship.
11
u/WeathermanOnTheTown 1d ago
Oh man. I'm sorry. I was going to ask "what was the effect on you" and then I got to the part about you working in mental health the last 15 years - question answered!
4
u/JennHatesYou 23h ago
The whole thing about psych majors going to college for psych to learn how to fix themselves? Can confirm 98% true.
13
10
u/Ok-Try-857 1d ago
That’s incredibly frustrating. Having a fully formed adult try to control and manipulate using toddler level behavior is ridiculous.
4
u/Mira_DFalco 1d ago
Well, I used to use toddler level responses with my in-laws, to keep them from spending every visit in constant scold/complain mode. Distract/deflect/derail.
10
8
u/XR171 1d ago
My silent gen grandma was like this. I liked getting her riled up at family gatherings.
10
u/Apprehensive-Stop748 1d ago
Yeah well that’s why I only call a few times a year and only go to family gatherings for a meal and don’t stay. I try to avoid subjects that set her off. She keeps finding new subjects to be oppositional about. It’s like surreal comedy
15
u/snowign 1d ago
I went the opposite direction in these scenarios. They're already upset, I didn't just agree to their non-sense. Why should I be upset too?
Next time you get a "that's not true," pause the convo.
"Do you want to fast forward to the end? (Confused look). I just said something. You said it's not true. When I show you proof, I'm right. You'll proceed to throw a tantrum. Why go through all of that? Just throw your tantrum now. Will save time. And I'll get a good laugh out of it......... Well? Go ahead. Throw your tantrum. But please come up with something new. I've been watching the same 5 reruns for years."
1
9
u/OkIntroduction5150 1d ago
I visited Jamestown: Europe's first permanent settlement in America. I learned about the cannibalism that happened when people were starving to death. I told my dad about it in random conversation. For some reason, this made him really mad and he literally said to me "I don't believe you". Like, why the hell would I make up something like that?!
5
u/YinzaJagoff 1d ago
My mom just had to be right, even though she didn’t know shit.
Don’t talk to her anymore because the narcissism thing gets old quickly.
6
u/cageycapybara 1d ago
Any way you could have her evaluated for dementia? Some of this sounds extremely similar to my nan, who has dementia. Sounds like Nan, but with a dose of narcissism.
6
u/sweatpantsDonut Gen X 1d ago
There have been times I've told my mom things are pretty easy to confirm as true, and she'll still tell me, "Well, ya never know."
5
u/Velocidal_Tendencies 22h ago
Are you familiar with the aronym DARVO? Its a very common narcissist behavior, standing for
D-eny: The person denies that they did what they are being blamed for.
A-ttack: The person attacks the person who blamed them, trying to make them look bad
R-everse V-ictim and O-ffender: The person pretends they are the victim and that the real victim is the one causing trouble
DARVO is a common manipulation strategy used by psychological abusers and perpetrators of domestic abuse. It's used to confuse the victim and their sense of reality
Basically its the scientific description of gaslighting, pure and simple
4
u/Weneeddietbleach 19h ago
A while back, my mom got checked for lung cancer. She got the papers back, showing that it was (surprisingly) less than 2% chance to be cancer but written as <2%. She took that as to be greater than instead and she told me. I tell her that can't be right and it leaves for a massive margin, but she kept at it. I asked to see the papers, and had to explain that it was less than. She of course still refused to believe me. Finally, I pulled up Google, showed it to her, only for her to say "I know what I know" and leave the room.
God fucking forbid that I be right JUST ONE FUCKING TIME in almost 40 years.
2
u/DifferentPeach2979 13h ago
My mom did this everyday of her life, just to lie to people and make "drama" as she said. No, she wasn't intelligent enough to be subtle or anything, she plainly stated drama was the goal. She'd call you a liar just because you are stating something.
1
1
1
u/Sensitive-Aioli8075 1d ago
It’s called cognitive dissonance and it’s super common, especially among boomers.
1
u/honey-milkshake 14h ago
That's not about receiving information they don't believe, that's a person holding two opposing views simultaneously.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Remember to report submissions that violate the rules! Harassment and encouraging violence are not allowed.
Enjoying the subreddit? Consider joining our discord server: https://discord.gg/v8z8jNwJs6
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.