r/Assistance • u/snafu168 • Apr 05 '23
REQUEST FULFILLED Please help me get to my dying dad.
UPDATE: We removed him from the ventilator on Sunday afternoon. He went quickly after that.
I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR GETTING ME THERE. I never imagined so many wonderful strangers would come out to help. We stayed longer than expected, skewing the budget a bit. That said, for those that continued to give after the goal, you are truly saints in training.
ORIGINAL TEXT: My dad had a stroke last week. He's on a ventilator with a pretty bad prognosis. I'm a disabled veteran on fixed income with 3 kids.
Unfortunately, any extra I had went to vehicle repairs last month so I can still get to all my doctor appointments.
My little brother is there and making all of dad's decisions and it's really taking a toll on him.
If you can at least share the link and help get the word out, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Edit: they're taking him off the vent on Saturday. I need to leave by tomorrow.
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-ken-see-his-father-before-its-too-late
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u/WantSumWontonDimSum Apr 06 '23
Hi! I think I was the last $45 you needed. Good luck!! I’m also in the SoCal area, so I’m sending you and your family good thoughts from nearby 💕
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Apr 05 '23
I saw that you reached your goal. Donated anyway. My condolences to you. I wish you and your family the best.
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u/snafu168 Apr 07 '23
Thanks, any extra is good for "just in case" it's an 18 hour drive, so there is always a chance for the unexpected.
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u/The_New_Spagora Apr 05 '23
I’m so glad to see that you’ve reached your goal. Safe travels! Sending love and best wishes for you and your family.
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u/Olacount Apr 06 '23
You’re so close to your goal!!! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, I’d donate if I had the ability to, commenting to boost 🫶🏻
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u/googs185 Apr 06 '23
Looks like you met your goal! So sorry to hear about your dad, I wish you safe travels to see him and my condolences!
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u/FrustratedPlantMum Apr 05 '23
So glad to see you reached your goal, OP. Sorry for your family's circumstance. Hugs.
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u/snafu168 Apr 07 '23
Thanks. I had no idea how much kindness is still out there. There's hope for humanity, after all.
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u/FrustratedPlantMum Apr 07 '23
For real. I forget a lot, but this sub is a great reminder. The number of Requests Fulfilled I see makes my heart soar.
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u/Training_Ruin_8203 Apr 05 '23
There are so many awesome people on here helping others I am so amazed
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u/unicornweedfairy Apr 05 '23
Just a heads up, if you call the airline that you intend to fly on to make the trip, they will often offer bereavement fairs that are much cheaper than normal fairs. You would just have to be able to provide documentation showing your father is in end of life care or a death certificate at some point. Couldn’t hurt to check on at least.
I truly hope you are able to see your father again. Best of luck to you, your family is in my thoughts.
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u/justcougit Apr 05 '23
I don't think this is a thing anymore. We tried last year.
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u/buzzybody21 Apr 05 '23
This isn’t a thing. It was all but discontinued due to the pandemic and subsequent concerns.
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u/unicornweedfairy Apr 05 '23
My housemate did it on Alaska in June of last year for his grandpa who passed away. I didn’t realize they had discontinued it since then. Bummer, as that was the least they could do to provide human decency for people struggling with horrible moments in their lives:(
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u/FirebirdWriter Apr 06 '23
I am so sorry. I did share this even though you met your goal in case more help is needed. I hope you and your family have support through this and that you can relieve your brother for a time.
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u/snafu168 Apr 07 '23
Thanks so much! That's exactly why we're leaving it open. Making the trip now, hoping for smooth travels. But rarely does anything of this nature go according to plan.
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u/FirebirdWriter Apr 07 '23
I am glad. I mentioned that in case because grief doesn't allow for clear thinking nor does stress and this is one of the biggest combos of that. Fingers crossed you arrive with minimal trouble. Update the sub when you're up for it or if you need more support
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u/snafu168 May 04 '23
It did end up taking longer and costing more than expected, but I don't like asking for help to start with. I'm working on covering the difference. But the way everyone rallied on my behalf truly put me into tears.
I can't thank the donors enough.
I'm still at a loss for that alone, plus dealing with Dad's death is more than I'm used to dealing with.
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u/FirebirdWriter May 04 '23
That's not unusual re cost and time. I understand the complications of asking for help. It's culturally frowned upon where I am and I get very anxious about having to ask but the alternatives aren't an option. Take time to just feel. Grief doesn't work the same for each of us and navigating this sort of loss takes time. Just remember you aren't alone
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u/snafu168 May 04 '23
I feel strange for trying to get through it my way because I've been through some shit when I was in the military. (And since) Thanks for the perspective and reassurance.
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u/FirebirdWriter May 04 '23
Trauma definitely adds layers. Not a combat veteran but my PTSD has always effected my grief because trauma makes you vulnerable so being vulnerable trips those sensitivities. Doesn't mean you have PTSD but the range of trauma and that being sensitized doesn't require it either. It's just my perspective comes from that. Coping will get easier because like the other trauma you get used to it. It's not gone but it's not this stand out sharp thing like your heart is constantly dancing barefoot on Legos.
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u/snafu168 May 04 '23
Not gonna lie, I've got CPTSD.
The Lego simile is surprisingly accurate.
My partner has gotten me to where I'm willing to consult with a professional. It isn't easy for me to accept, but I see the value. It's difficult, but worth it.
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u/FirebirdWriter May 04 '23
I have CPTSD too and I think it's important to get the help with non harmful coping skills a professional can offer. It may take some time to get someone you are comfortable with but that's normal as part of the process. The right therapist will help with that discomfort too. It's hard to word but essentially because they are the right person for you the stresses aren't as high. Some of the relief is hard to word but I don't fear hurting others from flashbacks anymore and I was very very very dangerous with them for a long time. It put me in jail as a child dangerous. I didn't find the right person until I was safe from abuse but that's just part of the process too. You cannot recover from abuse and trauma while being abused and traumatized. That's like punching a broken bone and wondering why it doesn't heal. Some of the healing needed to accept help is very hard so as someone who has been there? I am proud of you.
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u/nixiedust Apr 05 '23
I gave a little, wish it could be more but you are so close!
I have been on a ventilator following a stroke and please know I was not in pain. Your Dad very well may be able to hear you even if he is sedated; I can remember voices even though I know I was under. He will hear you and sense your presence. I wish you love and strength seeing him on the next phase of his journey.
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
Thanks so much! I'm hoping this is true for him as well. I'm still kind of in shock.
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u/nixiedust Apr 06 '23
How could you not be? I don't think you can ever be ready for loss. I try to remember that this is part of everyone's story, the universal experience that gives life urgency and meaning. All the pain and shock you feel is a testament to love and connection. For a while you'll feel like that connection is gone, but as you grieve you eventually feel it come back, and you will see your Dad in the faces and actions of others, not gone at all but diffused through the world.
My Dad has been gone since I was 4, but he is still with me all the time, in my nephew, in the antiques he collected and in my own sense of humor. Carry it forward with love and hope.
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u/Claud6568 Apr 05 '23
Done. Good luck to you.
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
Thank you for your help and being so kind! It's humbling to have to ask for help from strangers.
Thank you!
Thank you!
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u/44198554312318532110 Apr 05 '23
donated and goal fulfilled <3
my heart hurts to hear what you're going through, and i'm grateful i'm able to support. sending hugs and preciousness with the transitions in your life
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u/Ilovedietcokesprite Apr 06 '23
Woohoo people helping people is wonderful. Off you go. Be safe and take care of yourself. Check in if you can!
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u/snafu168 Apr 07 '23
I'll try to continue to post replies, however it's going to be a hectic few days at best.
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u/thewaryteabag Apr 06 '23
You reached your goal but I sent you a bit anyway. I’m so sorry about your dad. Sending hugs from the UK ❤️
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u/snafu168 Apr 07 '23
Thanks, mate! Having a little in case of emergency on the way is also wonderful.
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u/captnblood217 Apr 05 '23
I’m so sorry. I wish I could donate but I’m going to ask around and see if I can get a friend to donate. You’re almost to your goal, fingers crossed you make it.
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u/redheadinmo Apr 05 '23
Donated. Everyone should be able to say goodbye to a loved one. I hope you get there <3
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u/NostradaMart Apr 05 '23
good gods I feel you man ! my daughter is hospitalized far away from me, havn't seen her in a month, and they just put tubes in her nose to feed her yesterday cause it,s that bad...
I wish you get the help you need, and kow that you're not alone in this.
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
I'm so sorry for what you are fighting with. I can deal with my dad, but I can't imagine it being my daughter.
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u/NostradaMart Apr 05 '23
she's a strong young woman, i'm sure she'll get better, it's the not seeing her part that's hard on both of us.
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u/snafu168 Apr 24 '23
I hope so!
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u/NostradaMart Apr 24 '23
update: she's now on solid food it's been 3 days now. it gets better she made huge progress in the last week !
how about you ? did things get a bit better ? got the help you needed ?
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u/snafu168 Apr 24 '23
Great to hear positive progress for someone!
I did get the help needed, thankfully. I was able to be at dad's bedside when supportive care was removed. He passed quickly and peacefully. Better is subjective, but in a way, yes.
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u/FangtasticBattie Apr 05 '23
I lost my dad. I never got to see him. This tore me apart.
Please have such a good time with your dad. I’m so sorry.
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
It probably won't be good, due to his condition, but it will be better than nothing.
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u/JhoodsLady Apr 06 '23
I'm glad you met your goal. I'm so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad when he was 34 and I was 11 (he died in my arms). I also was the main caregiver for my paternal grandmother, that was more of a mom to me. She passed at home with me in 2016 from Alzhiemers. It about broke me watching her lose herself but I am so thankful that I was able to keep her at home and well taken care of until the very end.
I'm sending all my positive vibes to you, your little brother and the rest of the family.
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u/Own_Afternoon_6865 Apr 05 '23
Donated and sent this to Facebook. I pray you will get to say goodbye.
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
Thanks for your support. I'm humbled by the generosity of everyone.
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u/Own_Afternoon_6865 Apr 05 '23
My sister who lived 5 hours away went to the ER with N/V. They wanted to do an endoscopy (where they send a tube down the throat to look at the stomach EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD THEM SHE HAD ONE THE WEEK BEFORE ! Immediately after they did it, she complained of severe shortness of breath . Her ammonia levels went through the roof.and they had to put her on a vent. Following all of this, she went into a coma. That's when they called. I jumped in the car and drove at speeds I didn't know my car would do. When I got there I spent the most of the night there rubbing her hand and talking to her. I noticed her heart rate would go up when I talked, so I feel like she heard me. At 4 am I left to grab a little bit of sleep as we were having a family talk at the hospital to decide what to do at 7am. She passed at 6:20. I am so grateful that I got to say goodbye. My brother in law are both nurses We both knew that they had punctured a lung during the endoscopy. I am still SO THANKFUL that I got to say goodbye. I want that same thing for you. Safe travels and please let us know what happened. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
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Apr 05 '23
i’m so sorry that’s so disturbing and must have been so distressing for you all🙁🙁i’m happy you got to say goodbye😞
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u/Own_Afternoon_6865 Apr 06 '23
Thank you so much. It was horrible. She was 18 months older than me and my only sibling. My Mother was buried exactly 1 year prior. Her death was unexpected also. One year after Cindy's death, my father died. I lost my entire family in a 3 year period. It was (and is) so difficult. Your comment was so thoughtful!
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u/Own_Afternoon_6865 Apr 17 '23
I am so thankful that you were able to see your Dad. Those moments, minutes, and hours are priceless. You will remember them forever. I am so sorry to hear that he passed. Your father must have been a wonderful man-he raised a wonderful son.
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u/snafu168 Apr 17 '23
He was a great man. He adopted me as his own when I was 9 after marrying my mother.
I can only hope to be half the man he didn't have to be.
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u/Roadgoddess Apr 05 '23
I hope you make it home soon. I hope my little bit helps to move you on your way. ❤️
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u/Unaccomplished_fly Apr 05 '23
I’m glad you reached your goal, OP. I wish you the best. I’m currently going through hell with both my grandma’s in the hospital, and the caregiver for both of them. Hang in there. You’re in my thoughts
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Apr 05 '23
[deleted]
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u/snafu168 Apr 24 '23
Thanks for the advice. Thankfully this sub got me there. I don't want more than I need, others needs are much more. And the thoughts are always appreciated.
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Apr 25 '23
[deleted]
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u/snafu168 May 04 '23
No rude intentions observed. Thanks very much. It's going to be a hard road going forward. But the easiest roads are the least rewarding.
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Apr 05 '23
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, I just donated. I hope you get out there. Sending you and your family love ❤️
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u/YourCaptainSpeaking_ Apr 05 '23 edited Apr 05 '23
PMing re: getting some flights instead.
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u/blckfrailty Apr 05 '23
I'm really sorry about that. I hope you can find some light through this dark times. Sending you good vibes.
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Apr 05 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/snafu168 Apr 05 '23
I think you may have forgotten your /s at the end.
Sadly travel costs money. Especially when it's short notice, about 1200 miles away and I also have special medical considerations. Not to mention food, lodging, and incidental expenses.
$1000 was the lowest amount I can successfully make the trip on, and even that will be very tight.
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