AIO for thinking relationship can’t be mended?

[u/Hjane0319]

My fiancé (we’ve been together 3 years and have a child) has been texting other women. I really don’t know what all was said but this isn’t the first time I found him to be talking to women on Snapchat. He was having a full conversation with one woman saying that we weren’t really together he just takes care of me and the kids, he wants to get to know her, he wants to take her out, and see where it goes. He had a 12 day streak with one girl and most recent message was him saying “you so fine why can’t I have you” as a reply to one of her pictures. Another girl, his ex, he replied to her story and said “I need to find me a you😍” or something along those lines. I found all this when I went thru his phone. I kicked him out the house but I let him sleep on the couch for the past 2 nights as he has nowhere to go and it’s been the holidays and the 5 yo wanted him here and our 6 month old baby first Christmas. He tells me he knows he did wrong and he’s sorry and it won’t ever happen again that he can be the man he needs to be, he knows he hurt me and he’ll do anything to fix it, etc. I kinda want my family, but honestly at the same time (as I’ve been telling him) I really don’t think I can move past this and I want to be happy.

[u/whimsyladyy]

NOR. Trust is vital, and once it’s repeatedly broken, it’s hard to rebuild. You deserve respect and commitment, and it’s understandable that you’re questioning whether this can be fixed. Trust your instincts and prioritize your happiness.

[u/nilaq]

First off, I’m really sorry for you and the kids. You and them didn’t deserve this and it’s not your fault, assuming all relevant details have been shared here.

Based on what you said, there’s a history of this happening, and even now he’s talking to multiple women. As a guy, this isn’t really redeemable especially if it’s not a one time thing. You deserve a committed partner, and if you don’t see a strong chance of him stopping after this, unfortunately I think the best thing you can do for yourself and the kids is to separate. It seems like this will lot continue, and nobody will blame you for splitting since he was repeatedly unfaithful

[u/Hjane0319 → u/nilaq]

He hasn’t been talking to anyone since the event occurred and swears he wouldn’t ever again. I just can’t really trust him on that. And I don’t want to be on edge and suspicious in my daily life. I want peace. Honestly the girls is the tipping point here. he has had a gambling problem where he gambles money needed for even bills away at times (he’s stopped since the event too), and he is an alcoholic (not angry or anything but dependent). It’s just hard for me personally to not feel a bit bad when he’s begging and crying; saying he has nothing without us and telling me exactly what I need to hear on how he’s gonna change.

[u/nilaq → u/Hjane0319]

It sounds like the girls is part of a bigger pattern of impulsivity. It also sounds like he’s guilt tripping you to stay because he knows he’s messed up bad quite a few times and you have all the leverage.

Look I’m a guy too so I legitimately feel Bad for this man and hate to see kids not be with their dad but it sounds like he’s using the kids and pulling on your heartstrings to get you to stay when he could be doing damage to the family and giving you a marriage where you always feel like you have to look behind your back, that’s totally valid.

Ultimately it is YOUR choice whether or not to give him one final chance but I think most people wouldn’t blame you for Pulling the trigger now or sooner. You deserve a faithful marriage and to not feel like there’s a constant potential risk all the time. Good luck, peace and love

[u/SvPaladin]

With the right amount of work and appropriate levels of desire, every relationship can be "mended".

However, and I saw some of this hidden in the commentary, outside attraction, alcohol, gambling - combine these three "issues" and that puts forth a very, very high bar.

And allow me a moment to be very... tropey. Tropes, like stereotypes, exist for a reason - they're great to distill complex thoughts into recognizable and quicker to communicate ideas.

And the classic "men are about fixing, women are about (emotionally) venting" is appropriate here.

If he's honest about wanting to "do anything to fix the relationship", he'll have ideas as to what he needs to do, because remember, men "fix" when presented with problems. That, or he'll quickly come up with ways to meet goals you set forth.

Like the quickest, simplest, easiest one to "fix" - drinking. Why isn't he proposing at least cutting back and maybe having "monitored" (you reminding and maybe enforcing limits he's agreeable to) access to alcohol?

Right now, he's being very "feminine", as you say, he's hitting you with emotional appeals (pulling at heartstrings) more than "masculine" here's an idea for me to fix the issue, would it be good enough for you.

If you want this to work (because remember, relationship work is always two-way streets and both parties need to be onboard for the goals to be met / things work) - try that. Get into a discussion with him where you present goals you'd be "happy to see out of him", and see how he's willing to reach those goals. Use "you messed up, you need to be responsible to work on the fixes" to steer the conversation back to him - don't let him "trick" you into giving out ideas for him to do - that starts a complex chain that ends "in resentment on his part because of your 'nagging' to keep within the limits" or "him doing everything he can to 'look' like he's meeting 'your' bar while still doing what he wants".

And remember, if the damages you've "suffered" are of a level that his proposals won't overcome / help heal, by all means, call it.

[u/Lilymitchellx]

It’s understandable to feel torn, but trust your gut. If you’re struggling to move past it, it’s okay to prioritize your happiness and well-being.