r/AmIOverreacting • u/exjewel • 1d ago
šØāš©āš§āš¦family/in-laws Aio to my brothers comment he left me?
Back story, I took care of my mom from when I was 20-30 yrs old. I moved an hour and a half away. In that time I would clean their hoarder house, Iām talking trash everywhere, cat pee/poop. Used depends. My mom had a TBI and wasnāt been quite right after, so while I was living near them if I didnāt answer right away she would leave nasty mean voicemails.
I would take her to all of her doctors appointments, along with working full time and being a single mom of 4. When I moved away I slowly stopped responding, she had made me into her parent. On my two days off a month Iād get I would also go out and help her at home with cleaning etc.
One of my siblings has always had it out for me, they would make fun of me at all family gatherings, shoot fire works at me, he even at one point threatened to hit my then (8) year old son.
My father and siblings had to step up and start caring for her. This last April they had a fire, and my father who is diabetic got burnt so bad they ended up having to remove his foot as if wouldnāt heal. My mother also found out she has bowel cancer, and had to have surgery. Iāve been told they arenāt doing well anymore.
These siblings only would come help clean once the city would get onto my father about the state of the house, otherwise it would fall onto me. The used depends piles were taller than me, and Iām 5ft. It was simple laziness.
Now that they have had to care for them full time like I do they are angry. I was expected just to do it, but they have each other to fall back on. I had no one, when Iād reach out for help from them it was an immediate no, they were too busy. I devoted 10 years to trying to help them.
My mother refused to get a colonoscopy ten years ago because she ādidnāt want a camera up her buttā so the issue could have been found years ago. My father was just unfortunate.
Iām done with them all. Iāve cut them all off. Growing up, they never took me or my siblings to the dentist or doctors. I remember having an infected tooth, and they wouldnāt take me in. They werenāt bad parents, but they didnāt provide basic medical care.
I tried for years to help them, 10 years. And now Iām the bad guy because I just donāt want to deal with it.
The post I commented on that prompted his lovely response was me expressing my understanding with my nieces body dismorphia. Sheās 23, so an adult.
The mental toll that went with that was too much. None of them were there for me when I had to be admitted to the psych ward multiple times, when I was SAāed, never. Anything they think I owe was paid in labor with cleaning a literal biohazard for years. There was one day I cleaned out over 50 bags of trash in three rooms, and I barely put a dent in the mess.
Am I really the bad guy? I have some guilt, and I feel bad my parents are not doing well at all. But when my grandma passed she left them 25k that my father immediately spent on cars, car parts, and lawn mowers instead of into a savings. They are older, in their 60s/70s but itās not my fault they didnāt prepare, and they didnāt eat healthy, my mother only sat in a chair her whole adult life drinking coffee and chain smoking.
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u/Fit_Ad1955 1d ago
you arenāt. iām digesting this story because itās similar to my own but youāre older. donāt let them believe youāre wrong. you can only do so much for people who wonāt accept greater help. surround yourself with those who appreciate your generosity
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u/exjewel 1d ago
Thank you. I just feel guilty for not speaking with my parents, but a person can only care so much.
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u/Fit_Ad1955 1d ago
my parents guilt trip me every conversation. it used to make me feel bad but theyāve been doing it so long i donāt even know if theyāre conscious theyāre doing it anymore. all you can do is protect your peace, and accept some people are okay with a lower quality of life
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u/Costa723 1d ago
This is a lot to process but I donāt think youāre the bad guy. It sounds you like you did a lot for your mother at the expense of your mental well being. I would try to not let it get to you. Easier said than doneā¦I get it.
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u/exjewel 1d ago
Thank you. I stopped really communicating with them other than an occasional phone call or text, or comment on Facebook 5 years ago when I moved. Iām 35 now, and Iāve been way happier now than I ever have been. I actually feel free to be who I really am. My relationship with my brother has always been strained at best. This just really sealed it for me. He asked my sister a few weeks ago for my phone number and now I see why.
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u/Costa723 1d ago
Youāve got your whole life ahead of you. Thatās great that youāre happy! Focus on staying that way. Iāve got a strained relationship with my brother.., I understand totally.
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u/Important_Shop_1561 1d ago
Youāve done enough. Let them deal with it. Donāt interact with them, let them be. Theyāll never appreciate you or be grateful so why suffer. Let your siblings deal with them now.
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u/exjewel 1d ago
Thank you. I guess I just really wanted confirmation that cutting them off was the right choice. I knew to expect the feelings of guilt, but I also realize I spent hours, days, months trying to keep up with their house cleaning, my house, doctor visits, working, and taking care of my 4 kids.
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u/Important_Shop_1561 1d ago
Donāt feel guilty. Youāve done plenty in those 10 years and Iām sure you sacrificed a lot. Take care of yourself and kids.
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u/Desireestarks 1d ago
You should send your brother exactly what you sent us and let him justify it. He sounds like a narcissist and their known for not being able to see outside what inconveniences them, that or reply back by simply saying F*Off and then block but if you do that remember it will probably be for good but do something for yourself! Stand up for yourself and stop letting them make you the problem. You'll find closure that way. Sorry your family sucks! Continue living YOUR life and focusing on your happiness and babies. ā¤ļø
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u/exjewel 1d ago
I just deactivated my facebook, I have a back up I use for marketplace and events near me, it has no friends and itās peaceful. I added my maiden name, so if they search me up they can find it. I posted a long long rant, and told them not to contact me again, I disabled the comments. Iām sure they can share it, but if they do my plan is to block them. I donāt even have the Facebook app on my phone, because I was too consumed with it 6 months ago, so I cut the ties. My life has been so much more peaceful since then. Anytime I would log on to my other account all I got was anxiety, and guilt trips about how awful I am. Iām just done with them trying to place my parents poor health on my shoulders. If I was still active in their lives, I know they would have had me caring full time for my mother, while they rallied around my dad, while working, and caring for my own family. They would have pressured me to take her into my home full time, and at one point in the past I tried to make that work, but it couldnāt.
I think my brother wants to blame someone, and that someone is me. But they forgot i was a cna for years, and if my parents are covered in shit then the care staff isnāt doing their job and they need to report it to the state. Last I knew they both were in the same nursing home.
Iāve been in therapy for the last 5 years. Itās helped me understand that while I was a bad teenager growing up, (stole, lied, hid things) that I did all I could to make it right by them as an adult and realized that behavior wasnāt acceptable and selfish. That I shouldnāt have all this burden on my shoulders or all the guilt and I do deserve happiness. For all those years all I had was guilt over how I was as a teenager. Because all Iāve ever been seen as 20 years later is āthe thiefā I paid back all the money I stole, I devoted my time making it up to my parents in other ways. I put them first for years. Anything I did was with them in mind over my own health, and over my kids.
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u/exjewel 1d ago
I moved an hour away when I turned 30, and from 20-30 I lived nearby and took care of her.